90 days. 3 months. Three months of a full-on commitment to beat a dark part of me. Three months of ups and downs, of lying in bed and wishing I could claw my insides out (yeah, no other way to describe the feeling), of taking long walks before going to bed, but most of all: Three months of getting to know parts of me that I’ve shut out for years.
I discovered that with the right motivation, I can pick myself up and actually take responsibility for my life. For the first time, I’m not running away or shutting my eyes. I discovered that I can no longer expect my extreme shyness to disappear on its own. Time to get serious on that, too. I discovered that I’m addicted to eating. I can exercise fine, but what’s stopping me losing serious weight is my eating problems. I’ve also still got plenty of urges. Most days, they’re low to medium, and quite manageable. Other days, as I wrote above, I want to tear out my insides. But I keep reminding myself how it’s way more worth it to keep rebooting.
I’ve still got some work to do, it seems.
With that being said, during the last few months, I felt a kind of rebirth:
- Suddenly I no longer needed physical relief to fall asleep at night – sure, I had sleep problems at the beginning, but those passed with time.
- Over time, I stopped hating myself whenever I looked in the mirror.
- I found that it’s not so bad to sit and work/learn in silence, without listening to anything. Same goes for long walks – just me, my thoughts and the cool night air.
- Wet dreams no longer leave me feeling emotionally and physically drained – and eventually, they lessened.
- My dreams have become more vivid – one of those dreams inspired me to write a short story.
- I’ve found myself becoming more serious about my writing – for the first time, I’m thinking hard on the whole process.
- I’m slowly getting better at maintaining eye contact with other people, in particular, strangers or people I don’t know very well.
I’d like to thank everyone here who supported me during this whole time, and to wish myself and everyone else good luck on the rest of the journey. If anyone wants any advice, feel free to PM me, and I’ll try to help as best as I can.
I’ll end up with an expression that’s been floating around my head for a long time now: Keep Moving Forward.
LINK – 90 Days, Finally