Age 22 – From darkness to Light

First of all this is not a common story where I will tell you what kind of physical impact and changes you will see throughout the whole journey. Neither this is a conventional story of how I have seen usually people get over this addiction. You have plenty of posts regarding that. In all possible ways I have always found this site extremely helpful and I am not saying to follow my path to any of you who are currently reading. This is a story about a lost 17 year old kid find his way again back to normal life and came out of that dark hole again. Honestly, I don’t remember when I started to fap. I don’t know how but before I come to know about it, porn has become a necessity for me than luxury. As far I can think of it has been around 5 years when I was 17 years old since I started to masturbate. I had severe depression and anxiety before because of various traumas I faced when I was a kid and I wanted a way out of it, something that will make me forget about those pains and suffering for at least a minute . When I started to search for that something I stumbled across porn. At First it was pretty good, for the first time for at least few moments I was able to forget everything and I started to think this is the only way out, and started to dive deep into it. It was around 2 years ago when things were normal as what you would expect from a porn addict. Getting up, going out perhaps sometimes, studying, and watch porn and masturbate and going back to bed again. It was after 2 years around my exam, I realized I really can’t get passed this. I am trying not to watch porn or masturbate for a week but I just can’t. Then I started to search internet and found this website nofap, and some more websites regarding porn addiction. For the first time I came to know this is an addiction and I am addicted pretty badly. Since that day I started my journey.

At First there were lots and lots of determination, I have to quit porn at any way I can and I joined various what’s app groups where also people are trying to quit porn addiction like me. It felt really good at first seeing so many people is addicted like me and we all are fighting together against this addiction. But there was a strange cycle that keeps happening to me, for first three days there was a lot of determination and every possible motivation. Although around fourth day it is just over, no motivation at all so I started watching every motivational videos there is, but all these motivation lasted only for 3-4 days, and every time all support from this forum or group members seems pretty little to me when the urges hit like an ocean and I relapsed within 7 days or 14 days. Although every time as soon as I relapsed I felt extreme guilt and then next day as fresh morning begins I started my journey again, only to fail at 7th day or maybe 14th day. Overall all determination and support I got from this forum and all those people I met virtually gave me motivation for 2 weeks and then I relapsed. It cycle continued for 6-7 month maybe and I started to become more desperate to quit it. There was a time when I used to be online here all the time and reading favourite success stories I had and everything related to it. I was motivated at my best to quit, although I relapsed after 29 days. After that I realized having every possible motivation and motivational videos and having a clear understanding why do you have porn addiction is not gonna help you to actually quit addiction. At the end all I was doing was consuming these motivational videos and success stories like a junk food and getting high over it. I am not doing a thing by myself, I am just seeing how other people has quit it and I am just trying to follow their paths.

I realized something more. I realized to quit addiction you need connection. Addiction always grows like a moss in darkness, in isolation, you just need connection to quit addiction. And that is the day my second journey began. It was around 3 years ago. I started to build my own path, my own way a unique process where no one has ever done. I had three nofap counter, two motivational video channels,two what’s app groups, and one completely active account . I deleted all of them at an instant. Because if you are really determined that you will quit it, you don’t need any of these at all. Living without porn and masturbation should be a natural process like breathing. I have lived 17 years of my life without porn addiction, it isn’t like the first thing I did when I was born was breathe,cry and watch porn. I have let my guard down only to get momentary high on something so seductive and illusive and by the time I came to realize that all these years I am not actually running away from anything from my fear and myself in turn only, I was caught in it so badly that I couldn’t let myself go out of it. I have to face my fear, and trauma and connect with people and there is no room of isolation when you have connection, so there is no room for porn either. I knew all these things and I started to follow this path. Although doing something isn’t easy as it sounds. For a socially awkward, introvert teen to just get out and talk to people is just too much and although I had mental stability since I knew what my way out to addiction is I was afraid to actually walk. And so the relapsing continued. It was around 4 months ago my best friend completely insisted me to let one step out. I started doing calisthenics, it’s a form of physical exercise and when I started doing it, I started to feel a little bit better and my anxiety was reduced. And it feels like I was like a wheel who was stuck in a place for years, and someone finally started it to roll. Although it also wasn’t working, like I am missing something fundamental, some thing like a part of me and when I will get it those addiction will just go away. After 20 days I have started to do calisthenics I met my soulmate in the most craziest way one can think of.

Since, the day I met with her my addiction is just gone. It’s like someone light up a candle in middle of a dark,lost hole I was in. After that day I never thought of porn or any kind of addiction. She is as beautiful as first rain after long, sultry summer and she is like a lighthouse who is continuously showing a way for I stuck in a boat stranded in between a middle of ocean. After meeting with her I knew that missing thing I was longing for, the last piece of puzzle is actually a human connection and it’s she. I have improved significantly in my career. I have reached a point in my career right now where I am pretty sure many people can’t reach and people who knows me is actually surprised how someone like me who was usually introvert and shy and awkward reached this far in his career and usually all day I am so busy that I don’t usually think about any other stuff and thoughts ever. All I am now is because of her, and I am writing this post because she inspired me a lot and I want to dedicate this journey to her and also wanted to help if someone is stuck like me at same place.

So at last all I want to say that, you can create your own path. If you are also stuck in a place like me where u want to find motivation to fight against addiction. I will say you need a better introspection of yourself and should know why you got addicted in first place. Addiction is always used to mask some thing , and u need to know what is it that you are hiding through addiction. If you stay true to yourself, you can understand what you are hiding and how to get over it. As soon as you know it, you know the path to get out of it. All that remains is to find the keys to unlocks the doors and you are out of it. It’s only that, it’s nothing big, nothing melodramatic. It’s just addiction and as soon as you find the connection you can get out of addiction. At least that’s how it worked for me. I am currently I think at least 3 months of sober now. I don’t remember properly because I don’t think it’s not a thing to be proud of or keep track of. It’s just change of lifestyle that you have decided to do to make yourself a better person, so instead keeping track of how many days you are sober keep track of what have you been doing to stay sober and how can you get good at it. If I can do it, then you can do it too.

Thank you for reading this far with me, I hope you will get over this addiction and get what you want out of life. Because in the world full of 8 billion people to meet, so many countries to visit, so many things to do, staying in a room hiding from the world and jerking off watching some pixels is pretty shitty ways to spend your life on.

P.S: I am not a native English speaker, so please forgive any mistakes and grammatical errors I have made in this post. Thank you.

LINK – From darkness to Light

by Coming back to life