Sorry for the long post in advance, I know it’s a lot but I wanted to share how I’m doing and maybe it motivates other people to keep going or to start out. I feel like I’m less emotional or optimistic than other people so I’m not promising superpowers or girl magnets. but I’m actually seeing a better way of enjoying and going through life that I didn’t see possible before.
First steps: I started the reboot right after a relapse, generally I would wait a few days till the guilt and shame faded away to start again. Sometimes I would take advantage of the relapse to keep using porn some more and when I touched bottom I would say to myself that this was enough and then start rebooting again.
This time, the moment I relapsed, I decided with a clear mind that I would start my reboot and this helped a lot.
Another thing that really set my mind to it was to realize that I was about to finish university, and even though I was doing good academically I was not really proud of myself. Being a porn addict is not something that I was holding me down a lot. I saw that I was happy about lots of things in my life but porn was covering all those things up. After several failed reboots I saw the power of the addiction and thought to myself : “what if I can’t get away from this addiction” this thought really scared me into a small crisis that motivated me to make the change.
Here are 3 things that changed:
BEFORE: Clouded and tiresome mind.
Specially on the first first days of the reboot (20-25 days) my mind was very crowded with thoughts about tons of things. Every time I had to focus on something thoughts about porn, and other anxiety producing thought came continuously to bother me.
How I solved it:
Meditation was a big one, I used headspace for the first days and then I torrented the rest (it’s illegal, don’t do it) This got me into the habit of observing my thoughts, even though I had some experience doing it it was great to start over again with a program like this. gym: Going to the gym, or going for a run helped me out quiet down my thoughts. I usually had most of my urges in the night or the afternoon. So going to the gym from 4pm onwards gave me some quiet mind time in the most stressful and triggering times.
AFTER: Clear and fresh mind.
I realized how messed up my head was when it started to function better. The difference is enormous, now most of the day I have a clear mind. I can focus on each problem individually and solve it easily by thinking about it. If I can’t solve it at least I can work out a plan to deal with it.
Also, my everyday problems lost a lot of power over me. I don’t feel as stressed as before and I have more energy to jump out of bed and face my day without much struggle. Of course I have difficult and challenging days but at least i’m dealing with interesting, work-related stuff and not porn. Give your mind 20 or 30 days to achieve this, and help it by meditating and exercising enough.
BEFORE: Masturbation was almost a struggle, orgasm was the main objective. ED.
I did not masturbate on the first days of the reboot (20 days) but then I started masturbating from time to time, I always tried to keep a hard on but felt very worried when I could not orgasm. this was sometimes accompanied by ED. A kind of flatline I guess. This fueled a lot of insecurities when I went out with a girl. I told myself I needed a hard-on to have sex, that she was expecting an erection and I needed to be fully erect all the time because that was ‘expected’ of me.
DURING: I realized that I was masturbating without feeling turned on. While I masturbated I had to place porn images in my head in order to get to climax and this was a struggle. orgasm was a very difficult stage to reach without porn. this may be difficult to explain but: I saw that the things that turned me on from porn are not the same ones that turn me on on real life.
HOW I SOLVED (or trying to)
As the reboot started to make it’s effects “porn Images” lost it’s power so I started masturbating to actual sex moments that I had before. I jacked of to real experiences that I went through. it’s not always easy though.
Going to the gym helped me to be more fit, and more importantly more conscious of my own body. During baths I soap myself up and try to experience my body and see how it feels and how it reacts to touch. Before I would simply focus on my penis and surrounding areas now I have an idea of where and how I like to be touched. I guess this also helps to rewire my turn-ons.
NOW: Masturbation feels more pleasurable and less objective driven.
I realized that porn and sex are two different beasts. porn is about stimulating visually and it generates very unrealistic expectations. Now turning myself on is not about thinking about specific bodyparts or actions. It’s about imagining myself with another person, feeling trust and the desire to make each other feel pleasure. Even though I still struggle with it: ED and performance anxiety have both faded a lot. I fantasize about being close to another person. feeling intimacy and trust. having an orgasm is a result of all of this, it’s no longer my main objetive. I feel like slowly, i’m starting to know what actually turns me on and I want to try it with someone real. Having sex (something that created anxiety before) is starting to be something that I’m looking forward to.
Although a lot of people in NoFap are against masturbation. In my case I feel it helped to modify a lot of my beliefs about my own body and be more confident about it. I feel more connected to it. Or at least connected in a very different way.
I thing I masturbate 2 or 3 times a week now. I have a natural desire to do it, specially when I think about a girl i’m going out with.
BEFORE: Feeling ashamed of my porn addiction and myself.
NOW: Feeling proud and happy about who I am becoming.
This one is an obvious one, but it’s important. For me being a porn addict sucked. I felt like a fool and most importantly felt like I was missing out in a thousand things in life that I knew I would enjoy.
Without porn I feel like I can be whoever I want. My struggles are real, and I can measure them objectively. If I achieve something, I can be happy about that and not be dragged down by the thoughts of porn.
Now I am actively working on improving myself physically and mentally. Working hard every day. I realized that I have a lot of potential and I’m happy to exploit it every day.
When I meet someone new, it feels different, like I have nothing to hide. and this feels amazing.
Other things that changed:
- I feel like i’m actually enjoying life now, and every day I am happier about living it.
- I feel more open and more willing to experience new things and new people.
- I’m more open to conversation and feel more sure about what I say, I also have no problem in staying quiet when I have nothing good to say. This makes me feel confident.
- I can plan ahead more efficiently and have fantasies about my future. Before I would be really short minded when thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.
- I have more energy when I wake up and feel less tense and stressed throughout the day.
- Around girls I stopped thinking about hitting on them and having sex. I’m more interested in actually knowing them and specially making an impression on them that can last. Being chill and not so sex oriented relaxed me a lot when interacting with girls.
- I’m more open about my insecurities with other people and can also see other people’s insecurities more easily. This helps me talk about lots of things and get into good conversations that help me and help other people out in dealing with different struggles in life.
- HOCD and Bisexual thoughts: I had these all my life, and masturbated a lot to gay porn before. Now that faded a lot and i’m more focused on having a girlfriend than ever before. bisexual fantasies are no longer stressing me out. and if they appear I just let them be for a little until they go away.
Be active all day long, make sure you work hard on school, work, gym or anything else you’re doing. this will make you tired and specially proud because you’re making a good change. There is a HUGE difference between staying home all day long doing little and procrastinating and working on something and arriving home tired but proud of what you did.
Block all the sites that generate triggers:
I use a chrome extension called “Block Site” and use “waste no time” for Safari. Now when I get into Tumblr (i miss u tumblr) it redirects me to google.com. I uninstalled all other browsers from my computer and added a lot of porn webpages to the blocked list. It was interesting to see how many webpages I know from memory.
Stay away from your trigger zones. For me my house was a place where I was alone during a long time and where I procrastinated a lot leading me to a lot of triggers. I stayed away from my house doing homework at libraries of friends houses. went to work, changed at my house and left to the gym. When I was feeling really tired I arrived home to take a bath and sleep.
Be with other people: Being with others helped me out A LOT. specially with other couples. even if it was just to chill and do nothing. It helped me out to see different lifestyles and ways of wasting or enjoying time that are not related to porn. Plus its amazing to spend time with friends.
Gaming: This is a sensitive subject because it’s easy to replace one addiction with another. But in times of of anxiety I played half an hour of Call of Duty or Battlefield and this helped me out especially when I arrived home after a long stressful day.
Focus on your body: Finding good things to eat, working out and using my spare time to learn about a healthy lifestyle was very helpful.
Computer: If you’re using the computer and start procrastinating leave the computer. eat something, take a 20 min nap, take a walk etc etc. procrastination for me leads to thoughts about watching porn and I feel like I cannot continue working if I didn’t masturbate.
That’s it for now, hope this helps. I know that there is a long long way to go here so I’m excited about my future. And as always thanks to people like @MrGeonov and @TheSpaniardDude that support me everyday.
Well I’ve been thinking about what to write next, after my 90 days post I just tried to pay attention towards how my life was playing out and I think this is the first time I feel this kind of happiness.
This week, I had to study a lot, gave my last 2 finals on thursday. Now i’m an architect.
This last month I officially introduced the girl I was dating to my parents, the rest of my family and all my friends. Now I can call her my girlfriend, the first one I ever had.
I also went on small trip to the west of my beautiful country with her and another couple of our age, we camped it the middle of the mountains in one of the best nights of my life.
On this trip I reconnected with photography, my strongest passion and understood that it is something that I never have to give up.
I’m having a lot of sex, with someone I really trust and it’s the most fun and intimate I’ve been with someone of the opposite gender, it’s beautiful. Sex with my girlfriend improves each day.
I had a crazy party with all my university friends who graduated with me, here I invited my long time school friends. Both groups came together and had a great time.
I had a lot of people come to me and tell me how much they appreciate me and told me how valuable I am, lifting my soul and spirit. I’ve also had the courage to tell them how much I value them, and how much I love all my friends.
I’m feeling very connected with my body, with my emotions, good and bad. And it’s been amazing to express my happiness and let myself feel pain. Both emotions burn brighter than ever. In the most beautiful way.
I’m feeling very excited about my future. Where to go next, what to do with myself.
In times of great tension, before I would crawl into my bedroom with my computer to masturbate and try to forget, I now just feel great tension and nervousness, what I’m supposed to feel, and it’s fantastic.
Going through life feels like a rollercoaster. Emotionally it’s real, pure. My feelings are as strong as ever. I feel young.
The year is ending, before I would start thinking about a way to fix my life, how to stop porn use, how to quiet my mind, “another year flies by”. Now I proud to say that 2017 was one of my best years and I cannot say that I didn’t enjoy the hell out of it.
Christmas is coming, due to my losses it was always a very painful holiday, Now I’m looking forward to it, thinking about how to enjoy my family and friends.
I feel confident about my body and about my personality, I can now be almost naked in front of anybody and not be conscious about it.
Most importantly I forgot what porn was all about. I don’t miss it, I sometimes crave it, but those thoughts fire up so weakly that I cannot understand what I was thinking about before.
I could speak for hours about each thing, but it’s too much. I just can’t understand how much of my life changed in so little time. 150 days without porn, and now I can’t even recognize myself. I look in the mirror and feel proud.
I wish I could go back and give myself a taste of this feeling. I’m sure that it would convince me to just quit for real and in a number of days start feeling life like never before.
Good luck everyone, wish you the best. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.