Porn was always there for me for 9 years of my life. It was my friend and it helped me when I had problems. It took all my problems away and it was so good to me. Well, that is what I thought before these last two months. Now, I know that it was nothing of those things.
I always thought that a true friend tells you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. Porn told me what I wanted to hear. It told me I didn’t need anything and that if I didn’t have, any friends it was ok. It told me that I could fail all my exams and it was ok. It told me that I could be dismissing and disrespectful to other people and it was ok. It told me I could be lazy as hell and it was ok. It told me I was fine by myself and it was ok.
Who doesn’t want to hear those things? I think many people do. And it made sense. Porn made all my troubles go away, right? Yeah, not so much. It took me 9 years to figure it out.
All it ever did for me was hide my biggest flaws, my biggest fears and my biggest wishes. That is porn’s trick, it tells you all you want to hear and then hides the truth from you. It is very smart actually. The worst part is that you can’t blame porn though, because it was you who chose to believe it. But, you can also choose to stop believing it. And that is what I did 2 months ago.
But it is not that easy. It will try to pull you back. If there is one thing that you can respect about porn is that it doesn’t give up. It pulled me back a few times. But there was always something that told me that something was wrong with porn. And like I chose to listen to porn for 9 years, I chose to listen to this something 2 months ago.
And now here I am. 26 days after my last relapse. How much my life has changed?
1) I feel better overall.
2) I feel more confident.
3) I am happier.
4) I feel stronger physically and mentally.
5) I don’t feel guilty all the time.
6) My face looks better.
7) I respect the man I see in the mirror.
8) I know life isn’t perfect.
9) I try to make the right choice every day. (Sometimes I still struggle with this, but it is part of being human.)
10) The most important benefit of it all. I know that I still need to grow a lot as a person.
Today I didn’t sleep well. I didn’t sleep well yesterday as well. I feel like shit because of it. But I tried to do the things I have to do. I tried to study. I will work out. I will read. I will meditate. I am treating my family and others with the kindness and respect they deserve. I am not making excuses anymore for my behavior. The way I feel and the way I act are two different things.
If I think about other things that have changed in my life, I’d probably spend the afternoon writing this post. And the thing is that there are many more things that I still need to figure out. But now I am not living in the porn lie anymore. I am living in the truth.
I want to thank this community for everything. It helped me to start the healing process. But all good things must come to an end and my time here is over. I have been spending too much time here and it is not productive as well. I think I am ready to stop coming here since I have other people to help me now.
To those of you struggling with these, porn gives you the option to live a lie. It is your choice to believe it or not.
Always remember, it will be hard, but will be worth it.
Thank you guys.