First off, thank you all from this amazing group. I have been lurking for some time and the stories you all have written and the success I have seen motivated me beyond belief! So much so that I wanted to create an account to share my story that some might resonate with, and hopefully help others as I continue to seek help as well. This will be a long story. I know some people like me enjoy these so this is why I am writing it out in detail.
WARNING: I do not believe this story will have many triggers, but if you are someone who is easily triggered, it might be a good idea to stop here but thanks for reading thus far anyways…
So, I am 23, will graduate college this year. My whole life I’ve been considered a great guy, with good looks, (6’2, 220 muscular) charisma, status (played college football, if that even means anything) etc. I say all of this to give my story perspective, I am not trying to brag in any way. So many people have told me they were jealous of me blah. blah. blah. Little did they know how depressed and fucking weak I’ve felt since I was an early teen.
I first discovered porn when I was in the 5th grade. I vividly remember after school me and a couple kids hid in the playground under a jungle gym to watch our buddy’s portable DVD player. Something like 13 years ago. Little did I know what we were about to see. This was my first real exposure to people having sex. From what I could remember I understood exactly what was going on, and I remember getting my first erection or what I would just consider being aroused. However, even as a kid, I remember it being not exactly “right”.
Fast forward to going to middle school. Lord have mercy lol. I can remember to this day seeing girls that were developing and such and as a young boy being very aroused. There was a blonde girl in particular, much ahead of her time that turned me on the first day I walked into those gates. I remember thinking about her all day, which led me home to discover masturbation for the first time. Now this is where my story really begins to suck. The way I learned to fap was not your standard. Instead of reaching for some lotion to stroke myself with, I had an erection and rubbed It on our couch pillows. It had felt SO GOOD. It did not take long for me to have my first orgasm which scared me, but at the same time was the most amazing feeling I had ever had. After I felt fine and probably did it a few more times. Around this time, I started to have more access to our family computer, and if you can put two and two together, you can see where this is about to go…
I began masturbating and watching porn pretty regularly once I was in the 7th grade. I remember being so horny in class, feeling my erection through my clothes. I had a sexy math teacher who I would fantasize about. etc. All while I was going through puberty. I now realize that porn and masturbation is how I developed the sexual parts of me.
As life moved on, I continued to masturbate prone style which is basically dry humping objects (I preferred pillows) and watching porn whenever I could. Then came my first sexual experiences which were all failures and would eventually lead to my downfall mentally.
It was never a problem for me to hook up with girls. As a matter of fact, it was easy. But I never enjoyed it. My poor masturbation habits had ruined my ability to have sex. I would have an erection and go in, and feel nothing. My dick was basically numb with no sensitivity. I could be banging the baddest chick in school and feel nothing. I could not orgasm. It was horrible.
I then discovered how bad prone masturbation was for you and eventually stopped but obviously continued watching porn. I would later develop PIED and all the other sexual dysfunctions under the sun that quickly started to ruin me. By 18/19 I am in college. Having sex, and never enjoyed it. Never got off with a woman. Most of the time now I couldn’t even get hard, which would leave me extremely embarrassed and sad to my core.
Around this time is when the porn monster really started to grow. Just like many of you, I found it harder to get off to vanilla shit, and I spiraled deeper and deeper into weirder and stranger sides of porn that I do not even care to mention. My mind was a fucking mess. There have been times I even questioned my sexuality which really scared me as well.
Now, let’s bring this back story to present day. All the failed sexual experiences really have had a negative effect on my life. On the outside I look like an “alpha” but internally I feel like a beta bitch. Porn has fucked with my head so bad, to the point where the insecurities it has brought me creeped into other areas of my life including sports, work, and anything else I am involved in basically.
I now have some pretty deep performance anxiety that I am trying to overcome. All the PIED I have suffered through has ruined my sex drive and has made me so hesitant to have sex. I can’t even enjoy it because before I even meet a girl or go on a date, I get this terrible anxiety that I won’t be able to have sex.
There have also been times where before I have sex or am on a date, I have had full on panic attacks that left me shaking and unable to perform. At times this has really crippled me. This is the main reason why I am still here. I can say proudly that I have had flashes of good progress in the last couple of years finding myself on and off P. I have had sex successfully and enjoyed it with a couple girls, and it felt great. I still struggle though and it still pains me. Particularly with new girls. I have a couple chicks I dated and smashed in the past and we still do. I guess that has to do with just being comfortable. I believe this will resolve itself in time as I continue to build a healthy sex life in general.
I am now 60 days clean of porn. I have urges, a lot this week actually. But like others have said they begin to become easier to shake off the deeper you get into this. In addition, porn also gave me some body dysmorphia issues that I should not even have, but because of how wrapped up I was into the whole thing, it makes sense. I believe I am slowly shaking this as well.
I have noticed some benefits like an increase in confidence, more morning erections, quality of life seems better, I actually enjoy having conversations with people of all walks of life, etc. However, I am still dealing with some of the sexual issues. Couple weeks ago, my good friend came to visit. We had sex 8 times in 3 days. I can honestly say it went great pretty much the whole time. At times I was SUPER HARD and she couldn’t even take it, and at other times I was hard enough to make things happen. This was a good boost to my self-esteem because I know if I can replicate that and continue to have good sex, I will want more of it, I will feel more free and less insecure, and I will be able to enjoy it and be in the moment, and not have to worry about anything but that.
Thanks for reading y’all. I really just wanted to pour my heart out as I am recovering but it is still not easy 60 days in! However, I am feeling much stronger, and I am glad to be a part of this community. Like so many of you, I am on this pornfree path to be a better me and start enjoying life again. If I can be of any help, please feel free to message me or comment here. And if you have any advice for me on my journey, please let me know.