I’d like to start this out by saying I didn’t believe there was any hope for me. I had gone deep down the rabbit hole and literally thought I would never be able to have sex in my life. But as people say, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m having amazing sex now and desire women more than ever in my life. I used this site plenty of times when I was trying to quit porn, so I felt it was only right to help those who went through what I went through. I remember reading stories of guys going hard mode for 60 days and magically cured. That’s not my story at all, so I thought I’d share it for those of you that could relate to me. I’ll do my best to not include any triggers but will explain how bad I was, so you can see you can return from anything as well. The main reason I’m writing this is I want to say I’m living in Phoenix. If anyone in Arizona needs help or wants to talk, I’ll talk or meet up with you. Anyone somewhere else I’ll message, call or whatever else you need. This stuff is not easy to go through alone, I will be your accountability partner. Please ask for help! We need people around us keeping our heads up.
As I stated before, I’m 23 now. I can’t exactly remember when I started watching porn, I remember watching in 8th grade or before so I’d say at least 13 years old. I was probably younger. I didn’t stop watching porn until I was 20. I’ve watched it here and there since then, and to this day still feel the pull to my phone, occasionally giving in. I’d say I had PIED from 17-22, Didn’t have actually sex until I was 22, I had to be porn free for 3 long years before that could happen. IT’S WORTH IT.
We’ve all seen the ted talk and maybe you’ve read the book as well (Your Brain on Porn), if you haven’t, go read it! Just like everyone else, I was the Ram that needed more and more, I needed to continue to stretch the boundaries to keep pushing that rush. I would masturbate to Porn anywhere from 1-4 times daily for 7 years. I had girlfriends occasionally, but I’m raised in a religious family, never tried to have sex. I would casually date, then break up, never going beyond making out. I didn’t know porn and no sex would do so much harm to me.
My interests went from anything normal to the most extreme. I remember in the beginning I could see a single video and that’s all I needed. By the end, I couldn’t even get myself up and hard if I switched every ten seconds. I don’t think I had a serious erection for four damn years, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and miserable. I literally watched so much porn, anything normal bored me. I still watched it multiple times a day despite not even loving it anymore. Naturally, this means I would kick up the stimulation to something more extreme. Any genre was acceptable, and we all know the extent those can go to. It led me to the idea of gay. I was not and am not gay. I literally have contacted gay guys, then bailed out at the last second because I knew It wasn’t what I was attracted to. Looking back, it’s so obvious I would do anything it would take to get the high it gave me. (I don’t want to go too in depth and trigger anyone, but feel free to ask questions, I’m open to talk about anything).
I first attempted to have sex at 19 years old. Failed of course. Tried again, failed. Again, Failed. Again, failed. And the list goes on! I know how shitty it feels to have a girl tell you in the moment, “You have a naked girl on you, how are you not excited??” I’ll remember that forever. Eventually, I was so anxious that there wasn’t even a chance and I would do anything do avoid being in a bed with a girl. It came to a point that I could barely get an erection at all. I had to go to the most extreme to get any excitement out of me. I wasn’t at all interested in women. BUT I STILL KEPT WATCHING PORN.
I’ll try and wrap this up quickly. Basically I was lucky, I am in the army reserves and was sent on a deployment for a year. I knew of “Your brain on porn” and this group beforehand, so I used this to my advantage and quit porn while I was there.
Surprise surprise, when I came home everything wasn’t perfect. I still felt the draw to porn and still gave in occasionally. But you know what? That’s okay. I can’t hate myself every time I slip up. I’m human and so is everyone else. All that matters is you keep moving in the right direction and you will get better. I promise, you will mess up, but you will get better. When I got home I told my Ex-girlfriend about this, when we broke up I told the next girl about it. 2 years after being home I met my current girlfriend and I still didn’t get it up multiple times!! She was patient and kind with me though. Told me it’s okay and that she is ready whenever I am. I got better and better, and currently rarely have an issue. (Dating almost a year, didn’t happen in a week). I now crave her more than anything.
As far as recovery goes, I say take everyone’s advice on here. They usually are right.
My big 3 things
1.) Do your best to go hard mode, but it turns out it’s freaking hard, probably why they call it that.
When you fail, it’s okay just pick it back up. I don’t even like putting a specific number of days as goals. My goal is NOT TODAY. That’s all I think of is today and how can I prevent it today. I say stop think 3 months ahead, think about today.
2.) Do your best to find a girl to help you through it and be patient with you. I don’t buy all that incel crap, haha everyone can find a girl if you keep working on it! But it does help to have someone to readjust what you’re sexually attracted to.
3.) This may be the hardest part but tell the closest people around you. Tell your parents if you live at home, tell your girlfriend, tell your wife, tell your roommate. Whoever it is that needs to know and can work with you through it. It gets easier with each person you tell. I’m not even ashamed of it anymore, it’s just who I am!
a. I’m not saying you must tell everyone. But you probably know who can help you and who you can leave out. Also you don’t have to give all the details. Just explain you’re addicted to porn and want to stop. If you have a significant other, you should tell them.
b. If you have no one, message me. We can call or skype and hold each other accountable.
(A secret 4th thing is keep coming back here, nothing motivated me like reading these stories.)
I apologize this is so long, I feel like I could write about it forever. But I wanted to share that I’ve been in the pit of this shit and climbed out. Still freakin climbing. You won’t wake up one day and be fixed, but you will continue to grow into what you want to be if you keep pushing and moving forward. If you think your story is worse and you have no hope, lets message and compare. Purely to show you that you can make it out of this thing because I did. As I said earlier, please message me with any questions and comments you may have. I’m no longer ashamed of this and neither should you. I’m willing to message, text, email, call, etc with anyone who needs it.