Disclaimer: My streak refers to no masturbation to porn. But I did look at porn during my streak. Never to use as fuel for my fantasy or to tease myself or anything like that. I’ll explain in detail why I did it. I understand if you dismiss my input for not being a pure no porn streaker. However, if you want to learn how I managed to be completely fearless of triggers and relapses continue reading.
First a bit of background: I started watching porn when our home got internet, back in 2004 when I was 12. I had a lot of fun with it, but as I got into my twenties, I got a feeling of the greed inside me that I had every time I watched. I decided firmly that I didn’t want porn for the rest of my life, for many reasons, freedom being one of them but also to not bother my future wife with an addict.
Two years ago I wanted to quit. And I couldn’t. That’s when I knew that I’m an addict. Half a year later I joined NoFap. What followed were a series of trial and error of various methods, all the classic stuff you guys are already aware of. It all amounted to 17 days PMO free as my best effort (until this streak) which, you know, is pretty weak.
However I did learn many lessons from my relapses and failures. The strongest one was that I understood, that every relapse always came down to making a choice.
I realized that I’ve played a game with myself when relapsing, a game that was based on lies:
The first lie is that I told myself that I’m dead serious about quitting.
The second lie is that the urges in the moment were too strong and “I couldn’t help myself”.
To explain the first lie you need to understand some basic psychology. The psyche of a human being is layered. Your different states of mind, like anger, joyfulness, lust, thoughtfulness, conscientiousness, all act like different versions of you. That truth was discovered by famous psychologists like Freud and Jung and was later confirmed by neurobiologists who saw that the brain has different systems that act on their own accord and also have a way of harmonizing. Your conscious, or the “core you” so to speak, is what weighs what each side of you has to say and makes a decision (commonly depicted in movies as the little angel and the little devil sitting on the shoulder).
The different parts of you all have, and this is crucial to know, different belief systems and goals. Because of that it is quite normal that you can have two opposing viewpoints inside of you, as I’m sure you know from your own life. However, because most of our psyche is hidden in the unconscious, we are often unaware of our inner intentions.
That ignorance of our own hidden ambitions is at the very core of why people relapse. See you might think that your intense urges to watch porn come from your addicted neurobiology. And that’s partly true, but that’s just a symptom. The root cause is your lust, acting as a separate part of you, which still believes that porn has great value!
So when I used to tell myself that I’m “serious about quitting”, I was only aware of what the conscientious part of me wants. The part of me that cares about the best life in the long-term for me and kind of acts like a father. I’m sure you know what I’m referring to. However unconsciously my lust was still in no way ready to let go of porn.
That’s the setup that lead to the second lie. What I perceived as the “urges being too strong” was simply me not being able to stand against my own will. The truth was, every time, I relapsed because deep down I wanted to.
So I realized that all the struggle and all the mental battles were caused by me not knowing what I truly want. I was split in two and therefor directionless.
One day I read a part of a ginormous post by a Chinese fellow on this forum, it was something like “6 years no relapse”. He said one thing that struck a cord with me and helped profoundly. I paraphrase:
If you’re not serious about quitting porn, it’s as hard as trying to punch through stone with your fist. But if you are serious it’s as easy as punching through paper.
This guy had it really figured out, 6 years porn free, and apparently if you do it right it’s supposed to be easy.
And I’m here to tell you, even though that unfortunately offends some people, it is easy.
The ease comes from the fact that you don’t doubt yourself anymore. You don’t doubt yourself anymore because you know what you want through and through.
The fear of triggers and all the advice to avoid it has one single reason. People don’t trust themselves. They know deep down, that all it takes is a memory of how good it feels, and the part inside them that still wants porn will bubble up and take a hold of them.
Well for me it doesn’t anymore. That’s why I’m not worried about triggers or relapses. Quitting porn has become a relaxed waiting experience for me.
If you understood what I’ve written so far you should have a hint of what I did. I first made the desires, reasoning and goals of my lust as conscious as possible. Then I started to decompose them through logic. Porn is a bad deal I told myself. It’s not that it’s not fun to PMO, it’s that the costs are too high and there are way better alternatives in life. And to my surprise my lust listened to reason. Remembering all the bad feelings I had after relapses helped. Also, that masturbation to fantasy is really just as good as watching porn and not even half as harmful. And sex is obviously way better than PMO by default, but when abstaining from porn it becomes incomparably better. A world of joy with no ceiling. Porn and sex are like a 20-cent sour chewing gum that gives you cancer next to a beef wellington with truffle sauce which adds 5 days to your lifespan.
It took days and weeks of self-reflection, but I finally managed to change the value that porn has to me. That was last January.
Essentially, I synchronized the belief systems and goals of my different parts. I became of one mind regarding porn. See when you truly no longer want to PMO you don’t have to be scared that you will betray yourself.
I started this streak. But this time I didn’t want to just rely on my change of mindset. I failed with the cold turkey approach too often in the past. And I learned from a famous clinical psychologist, J.B. Peterson, that if you keep failing at a goal aim lower. Succeeding at small improvements beats the hell out of constantly failing at large improvements.
So for this streak I decided to not jerk off to porn for 75 days. But if I have the impulse to just look at it, I won’t stop myself. After 75 days I’ll also stop looking at it.
You might ask yourself at this point if all that talk was bs, because how can I still look at it if I don’t want it? Well so far, I’ve only changed the belief about using porn to jerk off. When it comes to simply enjoying the sight of hot chicks, I have some more work to do.
But I can say with all honesty not once during this streak did, I come close to jerking off. It wasn’t even an option for me. Most time’s (like three times a week) when I’d open a porn site to peek, I’d close it after 2-3 minutes, because my brain knows there’s nothing to get. So, I pretty much just open it out of habit.
Again I don’t need to “fight my urges” or convince myself any further. It really does feel easy to not do it.
Every time I look at porn now it’s like a mental stink arises in my brain, which feels familiar yet unpleasant. I’d used to always bare it because that’s just what porn is, but now my brain goes like “Do I have to endure this stink? No, of course not, let’s close this shit.”
Which is why to me this is a success, because before I was a hardcore binge watcher, it used to be the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing before I slept. And the only thing that I found good enough towards the end was sissy hypnosis and porn addict brainwash hypnosis, so you know, pretty much the worst stuff an addict can watch.
I’m very relieved that this part of my life is behind me. I’m looking forward to have porn completely out of my life very soon.
My sex life has improved drastically in the sense that I can enjoy the girl I’m with now for who and how she is in the moment, rather than having to imagine more dirty images during sex to satisfy my porn brain.
I’ve reached a new level of trust in myself. Because I’ve witnessed the power of free will.
So to close this off here’s some advice that helped me immensely to get to this point:
If it feels hard, you’re fighting yourself, you’re doing it wrong! If your mind feels at ease, you’re on the right path.
NOTHING CAN FORCE YOUR HAND! Only your will.
Your lust is a part of you. Make it your friend not an enemy.
Brutal honesty about your own desires is the quickest way to break the delusions of your lust.
Thank you for reading and thank you for this forum.
LINK – Fearless of triggers