Hello to everyone in this website. Here i am, in my 68th day on the way to day 90 this time writing to share something with you all. For this occasion, i want to talk about changes which have been taking place in my life now that i’m past day 60 free from P.M.O but emphazising more about one change in particular which has substantially changed my life, and contributed to free me from the slavery to that destructive lifestyle.
We all know about what pornography addiction does to our brain, we know about how it distorts our vision of sexuality and other human beings to something completely unhealthy, but most importantly we know all too well about how this usually comes coupled with damage to our self esteem, resulting from the excessive consumption of pornographic material. Well it’s about this in particular i’m here to talk about.
As i’ve stated before in other posts my addiction can be traced back to 2005 when things were going really sour for me. But if there is a factor which has been present during all this is the fact i’ve never had a girlfriend in my entire life, that is in real life because i did have a long distance relationship a long time ago, which even though it didn’t work out after two years and two months was one of the happiest periods in my life, my ex and i are in good terms even.
Now then, how does all of this play into my PMO addiction? Well, i’ll make it no secret that at a certain point in my life i begun to have an unrealistic and unhealthy view of women. Hate? No. The complete opposite in fact: I made the mistake of seeing women as divine unreachable beings which required some form of arcane knowledge to even get them to notice you. My self esteem was at an all time low, looking for excuses, defense mechanisms, lies to myself so i could inefficiently do damage control, and here P.M.O was the thing which gave me a temporary solution to the problem.
This translated into: Me not even being able to approach any girl i found attractive, because i felt too little for said person. In fact i remember how last person this happened with was a teacher who was younger than me by a few years (i was 24 at the time) and who was very very beautiful, but again i felt very intimidated and didn’t even try, then i find she has a significant other (basically what happened every single time i felt attracted to somebody). It’s then i said i had enough and proceed into a spiral of depression where the PMO addiction hits me with more force than before. Here also happens something which worsens the problem. I start looking at women who i know are way out of my league, and i don’t mean celebs, i’m talking about women who are either taken, mostly married or in their 40s in a life completely different from mine. I knew i had no chance, but i was fine with only fantasizing and desiring them, as i was also safe from the pain of being judged or rejected. The idea of going after an older woman came stronger, thinking it would bring me happiness and the acceptance i sought. It was a chaotic and hellish situation.
Let’s fast-forward to the present time. I’ve been in therapy for 4 months already, and i can see these 68 days free from pornography have paid off. I’ve seen the benefits such as increased confidence, no need for aproval of others and more love for myself, more concentration, more drive to seek out real experiences. But most importantly, toxic mindsets have been destroyed to give way to new healthier ones.
The one most meaningful being the way i looked at women: Not only do i understand there is absolutely no reason to put anybody on a pedestal, that’s giving someone too much power over your own happiness. But i also understand another thing: Porn had distorted my mentality to one where i was basically chasing a trophy wife, something i do not take pride in but forgive myself for. My pursuit for the perfect woman, that one ingrained in my brain from the images in porn and other sexually arousing material had led to nothing but misery. Realizing and accepting that wasn’t easy, but it gave way to an enormous leap in my recovery process. As of now not only do i not feel the need for porn, i’m disgusted by it and want nothing to do with it.
What i aspire for now, is a relationship with a girl i’ll love for real where actual love and respect are predominant. I’m aware that to achieve this there’s a lot of work involved, there is no such thing as immediate reward (something PMO has us used to), i know i’ll have to make an effort. This fact used to scare me, but that’s how things are, if you want something good for your life step out of your comfort zone and get a move on, and that is what i intend to do. All in it’s time without rushing things of course.
It’s true, there are days where i’ve felt lonely, i’m human and things like these are normal. But i’ll say this: No matter how lonely i may feel, or how much of a bad day i had, i will never resort to Pornography again. I want these changes and new mindsets to be here to stay, reason why i’m not letting my guard down anytime regardless of how long my streak will go on.
That is all for now. Thanks for reading.
And for the changes in my way of thinking and living. Thank you Nofap, Thank you.