The real struggle after relapsing is not wanting anything anymore. I’m in my thirties now. I see my friends getting married. People say they’re willing to die for their wife and kids. I can understand what they’re saying, but I can’t sympathize because I don’t have particularly strong feelings for anything. I see a friend finally becoming a doctor after years of struggling to pay for school.
After being rejected from every med school in the US, he quit his job and studied for the MCAT for 2 years with no pay living at his parents house eating beans and rice everyday. He finally got into a school out east 4 years ago at the age of 28. This is when I relapsed. I can’t tell you why because I don’t remember and I likely won’t because of the accumulation of brain fog. Though I do remember thinking my friend was an idiot. He left a good paying job to study for a test he’d bombed already. At 28, I thought he was too old to go to school with 22 year olds. I thought I was so much better than him having my shitty job that paid okay. But really, I hated how hard he worked because deep down I couldn’t bring myself to want anything like he did.
Right now, I see his smile plastered all over Facebook saying common and basic things about how happy and grateful he is with his doctor’s gown on. I haven’t smiled like that in a long time.
Work gave me a few weeks off. I think they don’t really need me and they’re gunna fire me soon that’s why they gave me such a long time off. Anyway, I take the vacation and visit my best friend from college in Northern California. I live with him for a few days sleeping on his couch. Do you want to know what his life is like? He’s obese now. He fucking smells. He’s got fungus on his toes and he works as a secretary and assistant to some mediocre lawyer.
My best friend from college used to be a really good looking guy. I remember how he woke up earlier than everybody else and never needed an alarm clock. Girls used to look at him all the time. He’s 5’8″, so not the tallest dude around, but he was a dude’s dude. Ready to go anywhere to have fun. He had energy like you wouldn’t believe, and found the time to study and get good grades. Girls noticed this. Guys noticed this. Everyone wanted to be around him.
I lived with him in a tiny room in college so I know for a fact he never jerked off as much as me. (He liked to save his load for his girl who was well worth it).
After college, his girlfriend broke up with him and he never recovered from losing her. He forced himself to reach for the easiest goals in life after losing the only thing he’s ever loved or wanted. I guess it’s easy to want what’s easy. He jerks off everyday now. Without fail.
I woke up in the mornings on his couch in the living room to the sound of his fat rolls slapping against one another while he’s fapping. I could hear it though the thin walls of his shitty apartment. He walks out to wash his hands in the bathroom looking completely tired and exhausted even after 8 hours of sleep.
He’s got an ugly girlfriend now who treats him badly. I met her and she’s all around a terrible human being, but to him she’s better than the beautiful girl who broke his heart.
So my old best friend is pre diabetic now, so I suggest we go to a free trial day at the local gym. He says no. He can’t afford to pay the monthly fee anyway so why go one day? I suggest we go for a run instead, the pavement’s free. He says no.
It’s been a few days I’ve been sleeping on his couch now and I haven’t jerked off this whole time. We don’t have anything to do, so I run by myself and my mind is fucking blown by how easy the run is going and how fast I’m running. Jerking off everyday at home, I can’t even break a 12 minute mile on the treadmill.
I walk into my old best friend’s apartment all sweaty because I pushed myself for the first time in a long time, and he gives me a nasty look warning me not stink up his place and to take a shower.
But he’s noseblind to his own stink. There’s dirty clothes stuffed in his closet he doesn’t think smells bad but it reeks like the worst human filth. There’s mold in his carpet because he didn’t bother cleaning up the soda he’s spilled.
I’m staying there for free, so I don’t say anything. But I am worried about his health.
He blames everything on his genes. But I saw him shovel hot garbage into his mouth nonstop all weekend. He had one continuous meal from Friday to Sunday. Of course when we went out to eat, he tells me I need to eat something more substantial cuz after my record run I chose to hold onto the very little gains I had at the gym by eating relatively healthy.
We get back to his place, and I bring up our mutual friend who finally became a doctor.
My old best friend says, “Good for him. I wouldn’t have done it, not worth all that trouble. He’s still got a lot left to do.”
NOT FUCKING WORTH IT?!?! In my mind, I go ballistic. Our friend got a dermatology residency in Hawaii. He’s gunna make 300k a year working 9-5, NOT treating critically ill patients, surfing whenever he wants, and living in a huge ass house, while I live a mediocre meh life with very little choices because I don’t have any money.
For some reason I couldn’t stand looking at my old best friend anymore, so I lied and said work needed me back early, so I drove back home earlier than I had to.
When I got home, out of the blue, I Facebook messaged my old best friend’s ex girlfriend, the hot one who dumped him. We used to be friends before the break up and I felt bad for losing touch. I ask her how her life is going and I apologized for being MIA after the break up. She responded immediately saying she understood completely, granted she was the one who broke up with my best friend.
I haven’t jerked off for almost a week now, so I manage to diplomatically ask why she and my old best friend broke up without sounding like an awkward goon.
She flat out tells me how it is. She felt like there was a huge loser inside of him. He was lucky because he was good looking back then, but she never really saw him try all that hard at anything. I defended him by saying he got pretty darn good grades, but she said it was all relative. She had 2 majors and worked a part time job. He had no plans after college and just wanted to be with her. She also said something pretty fucking creepy. She said that one of the reasons she broke up with him is that she felt that if their relationship ended, he’d fall apart, and she didn’t want to be with a man who needed someone to be a man.
And I was fucking floored. She saw that fat loser that he is now deep inside the happy go lucky kid in college who didn’t have to try all that hard cuz he had a nice smile and an easy major.
If you’re wondering about by old best friend’s ex. She makes more money than me (about 3 times more). She’s still fucking hot even though she’s got a kid now. Apparently her husband said she can quit her job so she can go back to school and take care of her kid full time if she wanted. She’s so in love with him. I was done talking at this point, but she adds that she didn’t want to be with my old best friend because she didn’t want to share the fruits of all her hard work with someone like him. She felt like she’d end up picking up the slack for him and carry their relationship.
At the end of our conversation, she asks what was going on with me. I say nothing much, just a dead end job, everything’s pretty meh, I say. And hot girls are brutal as shit. She asks what happened to me. I used to want things, she says.
So fuck me, right?
Word to the wise. When I was on my long streaks, I saw my old best friend clearly for who he was. A jealous, needy, lazy, guy. I loved him, and still do. But I’ve made a lot of excuses for him because deep inside, I was like him, too.
So, the point of this whole fucking story is this. YOU’RE NOT INVISIBLE. People can see how disgusting you are. Just because you jerk off privately and you’re cleverly lazy, doesn’t mean women can’t sense that you aren’t a man.
Other men know it too.
I reached out to my doctor friend and had a long conversation with him in person cuz he’s here for the holidays. He said I became a downer at one point in our friendship, and he couldn’t be around me cuz he doubted himself enough, and he didn’t want me to do it too. He also found himself taking the easy road in life when he was around me. He said you turn into the people you surround yourself with, and for him, he said he was turning into me.
No one likes being insulted, but I wasn’t offended because it was all true.
Wanna know why you don’t have friends? How about a girl? The good ones are running away from you because they can see you.
My doctor friend invited me to stay with him in Hawaii in his extra room for a while to get my life back on track as long as I could pay for my own food and clean the house a bit while he’s working.
I asked him why he’s going out of his way to help me after all these years.
He said, for the first time in a long time, he can see that I want to be more than what I am. And I’m only 8 days into nofap again, and he can see something’s changed in me.
What I’ve realized is really wanting is not just in your head. It’s waking up everyday and saving your sexual energy to make yourself and everyone around you better, hitting your goals, and not splurging all your desires in a fucking cum rag. I thought not wanting anything made me strong. It didn’t.
I told my old best friend about no fap, and I told him that I don’t want for anything after I’ve jerked off and doing it everyday made me numb. I’ve pointed him to this forum and all the youtube videos, and he said, “I don’t see what that’s got to do with anything.”
No. He doesn’t.