It took a long time to get here. I couldn’t have done it without my girlfriend. For those of you doing this alone, you have my utmost respect. I probably won’t get many up votes for this, but I’m not going to tell you I have super powers now, because I don’t. I still get grouchy as fuck, have bad days, and occasionally the temptation to load up porn emerges. My fetishes have not disappeared, but they have reduced in intensity.
That’s the negative stuff out of the way. Now here are the positives:
• Hard ons. They’re back. Like, really back. Private Morning Wood reports for duty every day.
• Presence. I’m physically present a lot more and especially during sex. I used to almost always imagine someone else during sex. It does occasionally happen, but it is far less frequent than it used to be. Because I don’t need to. Sensation and intimacy are better than ever.
• Clarity of thought. I haven’t had brain fog in so long I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like. I’m precise in my speech and articulate. -awareness. I’m generally much more aware of my surroundings though I still have a ways to go.
• Confidence. I believe in myself more. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. I make eye contact and maintain it, especially with other men. I feel like I can tell if someone watches porn and jerk odd a lot. They have a look about them that says they’re ashamed of something. I know the feeling well.
How I’ve got to say something about how long it took me and the shit felt on the way. Porn can really fuck you up. I’ve been watching it since I was 15. I started on shemale porn – yeah, even my first time jerking. I’ve slept with trans escorts. I’ve met up with strangers online for anonymous sex in dark rooms. I began watching sissy hypnosis, questioning my own gender and having serious anxiety attacks and bouts of depression. I almost broke up with my girlfriend because of an impending sense of doom that I couldn’t beat this, my fetishes, my urges, my terrible self esteem. I’ve cross dressed and subjected myself to debasement for my own sexual gratification.
Thankfully, I never quite got as far as commuting to the “sissy” lifestyle, but that was the path I was on, until my girlfriend arrived in the scene. Some of you won’t know what that means. Some of you will, and reading this will cause you relief. If you understand what I’m talking about, understand that you do not have a destiny. You are in control of your own bloody life, whatever your sexual preferences.
I didn’t realise for a long time that so, so much of this came from shame. A sense of not deserving something. Not being worthy. I had a terrible father who constantly emasculated me and crushed my ego as a child. That has certainly played a role in my psychological and sexual development. My father is dead now and I’m angry I’ll never have a chance to tell him how shit he was. For a very long time, I didn’t want children because of my fear of being as bad a father as he was. But I won’t be.
I want to clarify that I have nothing against trans people, or cross dressers, or sissies, anything else in that realm. Quite the contrary, I have an awful lot of empathy and a great deal of attraction to them, and have come close to having relationships with them. But for me personally, I needed to remove the shame component I’d attached to those people. They didn’t deserve it, either from society or internally, and for me personally, all of that bad come from porn.
If I can come back from the shit I’ve done, so can anyone. I’m not going back to porn. And neither should you.