I quit porn about two months ago and have been on recovery ever since. My long-time Internet porn addiction evolved into a sex addiction and I did wrong things. In last November I “woke up” because somebody on a dating site told me how wrong I had done and I told my spouse.
Long story short. In ’99 I got my first “good” PC and a broadband connection to the world of still-emerging Internet. I was able to download porn movies and watch pics on a daily basis without restriction, just closing the door to my room.
When I moved to another city to study, I was watching porn almost daily. I did not see this as a big problem, as I was doing large amounts of studying and it was just “stress release” for me. And the same continued in working life: I could start a weekend at home by watching porn, then meeting friends later in the evening and watch porn when I got back home in the night.
I did not comprehend that my behaviour was developing towards sexually addictive. I had had just a handful of sexual experiences before I met my spouse. I was “porn-driven” in the sense that my spouse was wondering why I could not relate to her fully on a spiritual level when we were close. I was mainly thinking of sex as something you need to do a lot of work for to “be good at”, to learn good sex. Like some positions that are not very nice for you to be in but might, according to my porn-centered view, give much pleasure to your partner and in this way also to me. I also got turned on by the fact that I had to do and put effort on what I do to “fully satisfy my partner”.
But it was physical things I had on my mind. The spiritual connection that leads to true intimacy and relaxation in loving sex was lacking, to a great extent. My spouse told me that what I was doing felt physically very good, but usually there was no deeper connection. Now I understand what she is saying better than ever before.
When I had told my spouse about my doings, I believed I had done things because my spouse did not want to have “enough” sex with me. I had a conception that I have some “high natural sexual need” that should be satisfied, and she was constantly turning me down without any apparent reason as I saw it. Neither of us talked about sex and why there was none, or maybe some every two or three weeks.
In reality, as I know believe if I understand her correctly, my spouse didn’t want to have sex with me because it was too much porn-like: no real intimacy, just mostly physically taking care of one’s sexual needs. She told me she had felt like this almost the whole time we have been together. On the other hand, I was feeling that she was maybe not a very sexual person, which was confusing to me because we had sex every day in the beginning months of our relationship, sometimes three times a day. Maybe I had an idea that she didn’t put enough effort on sex and this was disturbing. I felt that you need to do some work for it if you want sex to be good.
I was wrong. Good sex is of course not effortless, but the feeling of a need to work hard for good sex doesn’t necessarily make the sex good.
I have been without porn for about two months now. On some days, I have felt great urges to masturbate and have done something in that direction for a couple of seconds, but without an orgasm. This usually has resulted from my basic needs not being satisfied, such as enough sleep, relaxation and eating healthy food regularly. I have been so turned on that a couple of times I have had an orgasm while just lying close to my spouse on our bed and moving my body a little, with clothes on. I think this is some physical side-effect of quitting porn and masturbation. I’ve also read that some recovering porn addicts have orgasms in their sleep, maybe because of the physical adjustment of body to a new situation.
More than 15 years of porn addiction and some troubling relationships between my family members among other things might be true hidden sources of anxiety for me. This is highly personal for any addict: the real causes for watching porn and what evolves from it.
On the other hand, I have experienced feelings of calmness and joy that I have not experienced before, or at least in a very long time. One great thing is that I feel the need to connect more to people close to me, to WhatsApp and meet friends and relatives and so on.
I know now that two personal deficits in me have been found, that is porn addiction and sex addiction. It is for the better, of me and of the people close to me. And everyone else, too. I don’t necessarily feel good all the time because of this, but I believe I’m now more in reality and in a better relation to the world around me.