Warning: Possible Long Post and trigger alert ahead. The last time I PMO’ed was in late August, but due to my registration today it shows that I am on 0 days but I’d still like to share my story. I was 16 when I had my first contact with P. Boys would sneak in VHS tapes into boarding school and we would watch them from the Headboys room,
but I didn’t M till I was 19 years old and that was when everything started going sideways for me. Ever since then, I have had relapse after relapse but this time round I am determined to kick this habit out once and for all.
As I mentioned, I decided to quit PMO in August after seeing what it had done to a friend of mine. She called me up to talk to me about something and I did not suspect what it was about. When she told me about the addiction I was shocked, describing what she was going through, her addictions to some of the things she was watching and acting them out and it was ruining her life. I am ashamed to admit that while she spoke, my mind was else where thinking about how this would be me if I allowed the habit to continue.
For the next couple of days, all I could think about how she looked, she was broken, she was confused and she was lost. That was when I decided that I had to do something about it. The first thing I did was to call her up and also admit my addiction and let her know that I was most likely going to be of great help to her but we would be there for each other.
The next thing was to purge all the things that would possibly trigger me like deleting my P collection, leaving explicit groups on social media, I even stopped hanging out with friends who were too comfortable about things sexual. This had to work.
The first week was what I could only describe as hell, the need for release was so overwhelming and even things that shouldn’t be triggers were playing with my thoughts. In order to combat this, I had to keep my self busy and I chose to do something that I always hated, cleaning.
The task itself was hard but once I got into it, it was surprisingly helpful. I started by working on my space in office, clearing clutter from my desk then doing my filing. I then moved to my home clearing my room, getting rid of all the things I did not need and ensuring that all was in order. I then moved to organising my phone contacts and also my computer files just to prevent the urges from winning.
By the third week, they weren’t as strong as before, I had the power to ignore them and not want to watch P anymore.
Fast forward to 2 months and I had noticeably changed as a person, I was no longer shy among my church friends because I was hiding a nasty secret while pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I also started talking to women more confidently because I had more respect for them because I had stopped objectifying them and would be able to look them in the eyes and not scan the rest of their features. One actually commented that I look at a person like I was in love with them.
It is now late December and it would seem that I have altered my personality. I have gone on a few dates with my female friends just to test myself and see if I am ready to go and start a relationship with someone without seeming like a creep who objectifies women and these dates have been successful so far.
I still get urges and dirty thoughts from time to time but compared to before they are easily handled. That is not to say that I am overly sure that they won’t over whelm me one day.
I hope that this streak never ends and my story helps someone know that this is possible even when things seem difficult.
LINK – The Journey So far