I started my healing journey 1,5 years ago after a traumatic “sissy” hypnosis experience. Some of you may or may not know what this is, but if p*rn is an illness, sissy hypno is cancer. It can be explained as media that destroys lives, produced by malignant people without any ethics or morals.
Unfortunately I used those kind of hypnosis files for a very long time. I did not realize that I had a problem until I almost had a mental breakdown induced by those files. I hope that my success story will serve as a warning, but will also give those hope who went down the same rabbit hole.
I first came in contact with p*rn when I was about 12 (I’m 33 now). I even bought magazines in shops when I was about 14. I do not know if the owners of the shops thought that I’m older or that they frankly did not give a f*. Later I accessed p*rn over the internet, which was a novelty back then. It started with softcore and evolved into different fetishes. Even during school I watched extreme p*rn and I was masturbating compulsively several times a day. I started crossdressing for fun, nothing serious. It was something that was probably connected to a bad childhood experience that I do not remember anymore, but I was told about it. On the other side I started p*rn induced self harming behavior, which I could stop years later.
During my time in the military I had little to no access to p*rn, and it made me a stronger person. This is probably the reason that I also met my first steady girlfriend at that time. It did not last very long but it was a good relationship.
Later at university I unfortunately started my bad habits again. This included joining transgender forums, because i slipped into sissy p*rn. Probably it was curiosity paired with bad influence from p*rn sites. As you can imagine, it was a time filled with anxiety.
I remember that over a decade ago I found a hypnosis video on youtube. It was about changing your gender. But honestly I did not believe it works and I thought if it works it only lasts for the duration of the 30 minutes hypnosis. I listened several times and I found myself thinking I was born a woman and even wondered if I have a p*ssy later after that. I also had a delusion that I have long legs and I bought some pieces of female clothing and other stuff. The funny thing is I figured that out over a decade later, I believed that those thoughts were my thoughts. And I believed that made up experiences really happened. Now I realize that I had a depression that was caused by body dysmorphia. And the body dysmorphia was caused by this hypnosis.
Later I discovered hypnosis recordings by a hypnodomme, which were also about gender change. As I listened to the other hypnosis before, I believed that this is something I want and something I like. Basically the lies I believed, made me believe other more extreme lies. And the only thing they gave me, besides new fetishes were anxiety, stress, panic attacks and occasional depression. Also this records made me believe that all these things were “mine ideas”. Something I realized a lot later. But many things make more sense when you look back. Typing these words makes me realize that I went through hell and didn’t even know it.
About 1,5 years ago I had a couple of failed relationships behind me. I met the wrong women, because I listened to hypnosis that made me believe that it is good to be treated like sh*t. Which lead me to a dark spot, looking for more hypnosis files and I found some extreme files that can be described as personality erasure. I did not know the exact content and I thought they were just about “feminisation”, but I believed blindly that those are some fun files. Also the internet was full of wrong information about the files to lure people in, so that the person making these files can cash in.
It was insane in a dreadful way, and fighting the complusions / addiction symptoms that were created by hypnosis was absolutely the toughest thing I ever did in my life. It was a fight between life and death. At that moment I chose to live. It wasn’t just hard, it was very hard. Extreme anxiety, insomnia, not being sure if I will be able to live a normal life again. This was not just quitting p*rn, it was quitting death and fighting for sanity. When you start dreaming about those hypnosis files and when you start hearing voices like a schizophrenic (and this never happened before), you definitely know something is very wrong. This happened in February 2018.
My current situation is a stark contrast to everything that happened.
I managed to stop sissy hypno files entirely. Maybe I listened once or twice since in the past 1,5 years, but never a whole file. I feel no desire whatsoever to do so. The extreme compulsions I had are entirely gone.
During that time I had some periods without PMO that lasted up to two months. Currently I rarely watch p*rn, and I masturbate only when I don’t see my girlfriend for a while. I do not edge and if I watch p*rn to get off, I only do it for as short as possible. In general my goal is to cut it out entirely. Also I almost never watch sh*male p*rn or other extreme things anymore as I find it disgusting (despite watching extreme p*rn for almost two decades).
I threw away all my crossdressing things. I feel no desire or compulsion to buy anything to crossdress anymore. It is something I do not connect with my personality anymore.
I fully identify as man, and have no desire to be a woman. Thinking I was born a woman is something that clearly was never my wish but that I was influenced into as a young individual. Funny how curiosity can lead you to wrong choices and a horrible time.
I enjoy regular sex and everything works just fine. My sexual drive has decreased, but I assume that it was rather an induced compulsion than genuine drive. Also I’m not 20 anymore, but I probably still have more sex than most twenty-something out there. It is a bit weird if you are used to being controlled by a compulsion and then it’s gone.
In general I became much more confident, I do not tolerate if people do not respect me, I do not tolerate if somebody treats me bad in a relationship and I state my opinion if I want to. There are no “blocks” anymore to say no or to tell somebody to f*ck off. While I am kind and respectful to others, I draw a very clear line to what I accept and what I do not accept.
I have far less anxiety and am calm and centered. When I think about my past self I feel sorry for that poor person I was.
My relationships improved. I do not accept if friends treat me bad, even if it’s subtle. This lead to some conflict, but they got used to it.
Also I started to pursue some dreams that I didn’t thought I can do them. Currently I’m working on a diploma to become a certified hypnotist so that I can help others and that’s just one of my projects.
If you are or were in a similar situation, you can change. Yes, it is hard in the beginning, but it is worth it. As I used hypnosis files to destroy my confidence I found records that built me up again and that restored my confidence. If by any means possible get professional help, or get files from credible sources. Get rid of those suggestions and triggers and start enjoying your life. As impossible as it may seem at the moment – it is possible.