I will start off by apologizing for not unlocking the necessary badges. The reason i even considered publishing this post is because of the overwhelming joy i have in myself. And i wish my PMO addicted self (13 years ago) knew.
I’m 33 years old and i suffered with heavy PMO addiction for over 13 years. I would also add smoking cigarettes to that addiction as i only smoke while watching porn. At my lowest point i was no longer watching porn from websites. I was making my own sex-tapes with my girlfriends(8 of them) to stroke my own ego. Sometimes recording our intimate sexual moments with hidden cameras to increase my dopamine *hit*
Yes i was a sexual deviant.
But let me say this. I’ve never hurt a female or had sex against their will. Sex was always consensual. It was filthy and we enjoyed every bit of it, but it was consensual. However given the demon that i slowly let into my soul, i wouldn’t have been surprised if i eventually committed sexual acts against their will.
I was doing 6-7 solo missions a day. Edging on perhaps 4 of those missions. And without a doubt every female i looked at was merely a sex object to me. And i would say EVERY FEMALE that wasn’t my sister or mother was a sex object to me.
I would consider myself to be quite average looking but throughout my life i’ve had women throw themselves at me. Ever since i was a teenage boy I was groped in public by females and males alike. I was molested by my older cousins when i was a kid. I was repulsed and angry when males would grope me, but i secretly enjoyed it when females groped me.
I would get hit on/asked out every time i go to a crowded place. My own cousin lusted after me even after she got married. I just had what most people would call charisma. I was a narcissist in denial. I could always get laid and that made me want to find love
The previous NOFAP Journey
I tried nofap a few times before. My longest streak was just over two months. I felt like i accomplished something at two months and i slipped into pmo again.
The real reason i became addicted to PMO
Long story short i was a victim of a 10 month fake relationship abt 13 years ago. The girl who orchestrated the whole thing was my cousins best friends fiancée . She had an obsession with me and knew i wouldn’t pursue her because she was dating a mutual friend of ours. So she set out to make my life a living hell.
I was so angry with myself that i let someone(a female) do this to me and vowed to never let anyone (female) try to hurt me again.
So eventually the porn-stars became my secret friends. I gave up on love. I only wanted to have sex with hot females who enjoyed having sex. Guilt Free. With no fear of rejection, judgement or shame.
And as a creative guy i was inspired to create my own sextapes. Eventually i no longer found porn from websites appealing. I would watch a clip/video every now and then for inspiration purposes but they weren’t real enough for me. I dated only models, ballet dancers and hot girls to satiate my desire for high quality sextapes. And when we would break up it would only trigger my insecurities and fuel my anger to become more deviant and heartless in relationships.
I transformed into demon himself
Eventually i started to lose all my real friends and family. I disconnected from all social media. I even lashed out at people i worked with. I had contemplated suicide and even reached a point where i thought “Since i have no real friends or family no one would even miss me if i was gone”… I lost all faith and hope.
300 days ago i had a glimpse of what i was doing to myself. As i found myself alone in my room, friendless, guilt free about to watch one of my own sextapes, a voice in me whispered “you are better than this” That’s all i recall.
From that moment on i made promise to myself and thus the 300day streak was born.
Day 1-Day 50
The struggle was real as i had to replace the habit. Fortunately i picked working out and prayer to replace the time and this helped immensely. I’d say this was instrumental to embracing the new me. I had withdrawals from nofap and no smoking.
Breaking my longest streak (60+days)
After 2 months i felt a sense of joy, anxiety was gone, i felt energized. However on the flipside (yes i will call it the flipside) i was getting approached by females again. This was the first test. For i remember trying extra hard to not let peoples infatuations get to me. I became indifferent to whether people liked me or not.
Day 60- Day 120
I had a new found appreciation to life. I had an infinite supply of energy and love for all things. I started connecting with plants and animals more. I found nature connecting with me through synchronizations and divine interventions.
Day 120- Day 200
The sight of a nude female body no longer triggered me into sexual deviant mode (unless i wanted to switch on beast mode). This was the second test. I was able to see for the first time that the female body is just another version of a human being. I was more interested in getting to know the person. And if there was no chemistry between us i moved on immediately.
Day 250- Day300
I reconnected with my family and friends. Let go of all the friends that were a bad influence on me and made new friends.
My third test. The collection of sextapes. Over 13 years of videos and pictures of all the girls i had loved and lost. Over 200GBs of videos and pictures.(my deviant life’s work) SHIFT+DELETED. Erased permanently. The old me DEAD and GONE.
That moment i shift+deleted i felt that whisper run through my entire body. Cleansing every cell and vein. Releasing the darkness in my soul.
I found my way back to god. Back to Christ!
What i realized brothers and sisters is this.. PMO violates your soul. I allowed the demon to use me as an instrument in exchange for a momentary sense of false happiness.
I do not wish to make this about religion. But the spirit of evil lurks in PMO.
If you are on this page, site, thread. You are called. Your higherself is desperately urging you to align yourself with all that is pure.
You are stronger than evil
You are the light and the love of the world
And what i personally realized is that even when i thought nobody cared and no one was looking GOD was fighting for my righteousness. And weeping for how far i had strayed away from home.
NOFAP is not about a streak or about trying to become attractive to the opposite sex. Its about a promise you make to yourself to keep your mind and your heart away from evil.
LINK – 300 Days – NOFAP (100% Real)