After so many years of trying to beat this demon i managed to achieve the 90 day milestone.
I started with P on TV when i was 12 and it really became a problem when i got internet in my room at 15. My addiction was severe. First i started edging to porn for an hour or 2. By 23 i was watching and edging to P for even 12 hours at one point.. I didn’t watch porn every day…it was mostly 2 or 3 times per week, but edging for hours and hours changed my brain in the worst possible way!!
Over the years I became depressed, socially anxious , stressed and i was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. 9 years ago i found YBOP and decided to quit. I WOULD never expect that it would be so difficult to leave P and P fantasy behind and the severity of withdrawal caught me by surprise when i first tried to quit.
Since then ( 9 years ago) i’ve been in this circle of trying to recover ,relapse and withdrawal. I’ve managed to stay away, anywhere from a week to a maximum of 55 days.
How do i feel now?
Honestly i think it will take much much longer than 90 days to recover. I have lots of ups and downs… days that i feel like shit , insecure , super anxious, low mood etc and days or times of a day that i feel confident, raging libido and energetic.
Some days i feel the brain fog is leaving me completely for 4 or 5 hours and i feel this amazing mental clarity, my brain is quiet , i’m super calm and very confident. (that happens once or twice per week for a few hours and its very strong)
I have morning wood maybe once every 10 days or so. My libido is not amazing at the moment, but some rare days i feel it’s very strong .
I still have flashbacks and images in my head every now and then,but it feels a bit easier to resist now.. 90 days ago i would just surrender in 2 minutes time and go online…
I have sex with my girlfriend (we got in a relationship 6 months ago) about 4-5 times per week, which i’m trying to reduce to 2-3 times or lower. Sex is getting a bit better and there is a lot of ups and downs.
One of the problems i experience recently is specific P flashbacks flooding my head when i have sex and get me out of the moment…This mostly happens when i’m not hard enough and it feels like my brain is trying to find the next best thing to get aroused.
What i’m doing to survive the flatlines and withdrawal?
– Running every other day
– Calisthenics 4 days per week
– Cold showers every day
– Meditation at least 20min every day
– Keeping a journal
Thank you everyone for the support !!
Today I’m 6 months free of any porn or masturbation.
Also I decided to not have sex with my gf for a while (it’s been 16 days so far) .
Sex sends me in a bad mood (possibly flatline and anxiety) for about 5-6 days at the moment.
It’s quite sad, but it is what it is.
The war is not over yet for sure!
The last 6 days I’m dreaming of porn scenes and having porn flashbacks from the past.
I’m proud of myself and of what I’ve achieved so far and I’ll keep going forward.
I started a new course in college 2 weeks ago that can possibly
help me shape my future (I’ve been unemployed for a year now).
Post Acute Withdrawal, urges, porn flashbacks, mood swings, depression , anxiety are still here , but not all the time.
I’ll say I have 60% good days or times of the day and 40% bad days or times of the day.
Funny thing that I thought It would be over after 90 days and I would feel amazing. I was addicted to PMO for 20 years, so I don’t expect fast results. Good things take time!
I’m still here and keep fighting!
I’ll keep posting my progress.
Thank you everyone for the support!