So after about 200 days of no PMO and after that only 3times of MO, I am focusing on gaining a healthy sexual mind. This started with the 3 MO session, because I was able to get erect with fantasy only for the first time in 15+ years. This was the first sign of healing and I only discovered it through (unhealthy fantasy) MO.
Since then I realized that orgasm isn’t evil, but my fantasies are.
So to combat those unhealthy fantasies, I started to interrupt the intrusive fantasies with what I assumed to be my healthy sexual ideal instead. This consisted of me visualizing holding a women, laying next to her, feeling her warmth and had very little to do with any sex.
The fact that this visualization popped to my mind told me a lot about what I am truly seeking. I want companionship and deep romantic/emotional connection with a women and sex is secondary. This is the really deep truth, only discovered through abstinence from PMO!
So the first time I tried this healthy fantasy, it actually killed my arousal. I’m so conditioned to be turned on by insanely fetishy and taboo subjects, that normal emotional connection fantasy did nothing for me… at first.
So continuing in this new found recovery path of embracing my truth behind my sexual needs and trying to cultivate that, the fantasy morphed into clearer imagry. My new fantasy is me laying in a grassy field, in the sun, with a women and holding her hand or touching her thigh. it’s a fantasy of deep connection, ultimate safety and understanding. Where I am accepted as completely myself and loved for it. And we share this relaxed experience of intense connection.
And this new fantasy give me butterflies in my stomach!!! It’s insanely arousing!
I’ve been using sex/PMO for years because I never learned the skills to seek that type of experience, so using PMO gives me a cheap and effective alternative to that.
I am now experiencing arousal from this fantasy!! And this is the first time in my life I’ve ever had this happen!
Today I was on a clothing website shopping. I filtered by “men clothes”, but the site is broken and included women in sports bras. There was A model who fit my interests and I couldn’t help but click on her and zoom in on her body. I stopped and started journaling.
What I realized with journaling is that i Could explore this arousal and rather than focusing on the sexual arousal, i Can try and focus on what i really am hoping to experience through this picture. So i went back to the website, found that picture again and focused on the story i build in my head while looking at her. And to my surprise…. it was exactly what my sexual fantasy depicts!! I don’t think I’ve been chasing frivolous sex, I think I’ve been chasing intense emotional safety and connection, but to afraid to seek it out in real life, so PMO was the easy solution.
I gave this model a personality. I gave her a style, I gave her a story. I imagined she liked me and we got along, and that this girl would be the one to sit In The grass with me and make me feel loved and safe.
Of course there’s the primal urge to fuck her, but the majority of my selectiveness is seeking someone who looks like they would fit that personality type. Not a difficult woman, not a woman who sleeps around with a lot of people, not a prostitute, but a perky chipper upbeat cute person who could intellectually understand me and we could be together.
This was a huge eye opener for me!!! And the next phase of my recovery is to build that fantasy and seek it out in real life. And if the destructive selfish sexual fantasy creeps back in (as it will cuz I have 20+ years of experience with it) I can transfer that urge towards the healthy fantasy and start to experience orgasm and arousal in conjunction with my healthy desires rather than the destructive ones from the past.
And work on the issues in my head that keep me wanting to escape the real world and enter the fantasy realm of PMO.