My name is andreas and I am 34 years old. I started watching porn as 9 year old and you know, you can really get lost in that shit. As it does things to your sexuality and personality. And from really hurts the people you love around you.
About me… Well, I am a borderliner, or borderline personality disorder if you prefer, and suffered sexual abuse as a child and young adult. My life was hell, since I can remember.
I got addicted to a lot of things, but porn and sex, well, that stays with me to this day. Like an alcoholic should not drink the first beer, I dont watch the first picture. I am radical about that. I won’t cross that line at all costs. Even if it means to stare at the ceiling for an hour or so.
Well, I am clean since 21. November 2016. No porn, no pictures. Yeah, I did got caught up in some bad relationships, where I got addicted to sex again, almost lost track of myself again. But I got out of there. With a little help, of course and got stronger than before. To be the best version of myself, I can be.
I got a lot of treatment during the years, psychotherapy, psychiatry, dbt, medication, … It took a lot of time, to just understand, that I am the one who is responsible for his behaviour. But once I realised that, I was set on a path with no return. I worked hard, work hard, every day, to push through the shit. Through my personality disorder and through that awful addiction. Even though I understand why I got addicted in the first place, sometimes I just feel like puking all over again, when I think of what that stuff has done to me. What I had done to me and in return, I did to other people. And of course not, you really don’t need bpd oder sexual abuse in your past to get addicted to porn. This stuff is dangerous. And I learned a lot from other people here on nofap and yourbrainonporn how that stuff works inside your head. But we all have emotions, needs, so it really does work in our souls as well. If you let it, you wake up someday and cant see yourself anymore. no bpd or sexual abuse needed^^
So, when you start out, first day, first try, it hurts like hell. And that pain can stay with you for a long time. I know it is still there with me, to this day. It may be silent now, but I know that if I would get on that train again, it would be awake as it never slept. It might make you wonder why am I doing this, what for. I don’t have a woman in my life, nobody cares, nobody understands and so on and on. Well, let me ask you: do you care? Do you care about yourself? do you care enough about yourself to make some needed changes in your life? I always got inspired by rocky quotes. And it really is this: until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life. As long as we are addicted, there is no room for others and most importantly, for ourselves.
Don’t put pressure on you: you are good just the way you are. You just don’t really know it, feel it yet. But that time will come. It will. The soul takes time to heal and it is so important, that you take that time. Come on the forums, talk to other people about that pain. Make music, make art, do something, just something, other than let it win. And one day, that pain, will be over and something else can take its place.
And yeah, it is a fight. It is a very real fight. Porn might not take your life as alcohol or drugs can, but it can hold you in a cage as long as you are feeding it. I got the nofap app and all those motivational pictures really got through to me, so I fought. One day, hell, sometimes just one second at a time, just to stay clean. I cried, I screamed, fell silent and did it all over again. dbt really helped a lot. Not just with my bpd, but its mechanics really can help anyone who is struggling with high peaks of tension and powerful emotions. And recovery from addiction is a very emotional and powerful experience.
So, what happens, when all is said and done? I thought about that a lot through the years. Will I have friends, will I be in love, hell, am I able to love at all? here comes my bpd into play and that was one, sometimes still is, a hell of its own. but when i look at how empty, shallow and lonely only my porn addiction alone made me feel, I still get down on my knees sometimes and thank god and all the people who helped me, that today, I am able to be just in that moment. Alive, breathing and myself. I lost a lot of so called friends, never had any real and lasting relationship. And for a long time that was my goal. To be myself and clean, free from porn addiction. Well, it is a motivator, of course, But in the end, I found that I had to do this for myself, for myself alone. I struggled with this for a while and then I realized: nothing in this life is promised. nothing. Nothing stays with you forever, ’cause, we all gotta die someday. And if all that is left in the end, is myself, I have to keep up the work, work harder but more important: more self-loving. Yes, there it is. I said it. Love yourself. Everyday. Not matter what mistakes you made, no matter if you relapsed, no matter what, just love yourself the way you are in that very moment of your life. Because it is yours. yours alone. No matter what got us caught up in that addiction, may it be abuse, may it be psychological disorders, or just that guy you met at school the other day. You are here, now and it is your life. It may dont feel like it, you may be concerend about a lot of things right now, but at the end of the day, it is your life. I can’t stress that enough. You are allowed, you are really allowed, to be responsible for yourself. So, take control, take up that fight and fight as hard as you can. it is a fight about yourself and the life you want to live. and there is nothing in this life more important than that.
Because, your life, friends, love, the things you like to do, and so on, all that can only happen and feel fulfilling, when you are with yourself, knowing who you are, what you want. because that is what that addiction can take from you.
So, a wall of text
I am living my life today. And it feels good. Feels really good. Do I have many friends? No. but people who I really like for who they are.
And the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me:
I met a wonderful woman. Just, wow. The way I am around her, with her. The way I make her feel and the way she makes me feel. So loved, so real, so warm inside. I love her for who she is. She loves me for I am and that bond, it is the realest thing I ever felt.
I thought that to be impossible. I was living my life with myself, the way I am, the way it felt real to me. And then I met her. And it all became so much more real.
And yes, i don’t know how long we will be together. Maybe the day will come; she might wants to be with someone else, maybe I want to be with someone else. Could happen. Nothing is promised.
But what I know is, today I am myself. I can work really hard, if I need to. I can push through the shit and push harder until I get where I want to be. To know and feel this today, is amazing, wonderful and fulfilling. That was something not only bpd prevented for a long time, no, it was my porn addiction just as well.
So, thank you all!!!! From deepest within my heart. The day I found nofap, changed my life. I was finally able to change my life. And I know, whatever good times and/or bad times might come. Because they will, life just is that way. I am able to live and love with my whole self.
For me there is no greater thing than that. Because now I can share it. Make my woman feel loved and at home. Be there for her. Or just have a good time together. I can do the things I love to do because I know myself and have time to do them.
So, thank you!
And please take care of yourself. You are valuable. And we need you.
Andreas from Germany