Age 35 – This 90-day journey was difficult and bumpy, I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about my wife.

Wow 90 days, it is unbelievable. I’ve never gone so long without PM, I definitely never thought I would make it this far. I’ve had few DDays in the past and I always tried to do recovery on my own, and that was a big mistake. This time around I decided to seek help. My wife, who already told me that she is done, and that she is only going to stay for time being until our eldest daughter goes to high school and that we would just be living like roommates. She sent me a link to this forum with a message “do what you want with this”. She never thought I would do anything with it, I had my doubts about it too. I thought she was ‘gone’ anyway, so what’s the point.

Well, I decided to check out the forum and something changed. People reached out to me and started giving me advice. Everyone was very helpful and supportive, one of the best advice I got was to talk to my wife, and we’ve been talking every night for 3 months and it has really helped us reconnect. I think what really opened my eyes was the Help Her Heal video series, these videos really describe what the SO’s go through, of course I know I would never know the real pain my wife went through, but the description was so vivid it really made me empathize. After that we talked about her pain, it took a while till she started to open up, but she did and it helped both of us. I think talking was the best thing we ever did, our connection and intimacy are like it’s never been before.

About a month into my recovery, I decided to give my wife my full disclosure and I thought that would be the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. What I told her was one of the worse things I could’ve done and I did not know how she would react, I told her that I cheated on her and I thought it would be the end of everything. However, because we’ve been talking and I was being honest with her she listened and took it better then I thought. The following week she had a lot of questions about what I’ve done, and even though I didn’t want to think or talk about it, I knew I had to and answered the best as I could. After FD our connection and intimacy got even better, it was like a huge weight was lifted.

Coincidentally, our anniversary and my 90 days free of PM fell on the same day. I wanted to do something while ago, but two months ago she told me not to even think or try to plan anything. She took off her rings, and that’s was big for her because things like that always matter to her and if she took them off that means she doesn’t feel anything. A month ago, when I saw that and felt that we are in the different place and the feeling was mutual I asked her if she doesn’t mind if I would plan something because 90 days and our anniversary on the same day, she told me that it’s ok and I can plan something. A week before the big day we couldn’t wait for it to come already, we were both excited and had butterflies in our stomachs. When it finally came it was amazing and just so special. We went out for dinner and it was ogle free because in the past all the special dates and dinners were ruined for her because of me ogling, when we came home we exchanged presents and letters that we wrote for each other. Later that night when kids were in bed we read each other’s letters. In that letter she told me that because of all my changes and because of all my actions she is ready to forgive me, I thought to myself that it is too soon and do I really deserve it, but it felt so overwhelming. After I finished her letter I asked her if she would consider putting her rings back on, and again I kinda did think it might be too soon, but after reading that she considers to forgive me I decided to take a chance, and she said yes. I went to our little safe, where she had put them away, and put it back on her finger. I felt like I am proposing all over again.

This 90-day journey was difficult and bumpy, I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about my wife. I learned about the pain and suffering I caused with my actions, I learned that simply talking and being honest I could’ve avoided so much problem, who knew oh wait my wife knew. I learned that besides my PM and lying problem, ogling is another one that I didn’t even realize how bad it was. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I got aware of it, and after that, I really have been trying to make sure I stop. I also got a very amazing wife because I can talk to her about and she is ok because she knows I am not trying to lie and I am trying to take control of my problems. The road to recovery is a bumpy road and not easy, I am very lucky to have a woman by my side that supports me and helps me on that journey, and in return, I want to help to heal. So far, we’ve been doing a good job helping each other and all she asks is, to be honest, and that’s all I can do to make sure we continue to help each other. I’ve tasted this amazing intimacy, connection, and LOVE, I can really say that I really, really love her.


by Wade W. Wilson