Age 38 – 120+ days and 10 cliff notes for you

I`m here to tell you that it is worth it. I`m not going to bother you with my addiction story, it is very similar to yours I believe. The thing is, I didn`t know I had a way out for this, truth be told I didn`t know I was lost in the first place. Ever since I can remember having an erection I would masturbate. And after internet came, boom. I was hooked.

But let me tell you about some stuff that might be similar and also different from others stories.

1- Everyone of you will suffer at different degrees. During my first 3 days I was excited, it was challenging not to view porn or to masturbate.
But the feeling of excitement was soon gone. I became angry. I became short tempered. I was a raging bull. Let me tell you, it is normal. It is a part of your process.

2- The feeling of anger was something I did not expect. I read about it but I didn`t think I was going to be this way. I was always very centered and peaceful. Having said that, I tried to think about why I was angry in the first place. I had no answer for almost 2 months. During this period I became extremely anxious, I became afraid I was going to have ED. Every single night I would fantasize about something in order to get it up, sometimes I would get it up and sometimes I wouldn`t. Thinking about it makes me really sad right now, but I have accepted it now. It is normal. It is part of the process.

3- During the anxious phase I would systematically avoid anything related to sex, I became priest like, I avoided everything. For me and maybe for you, might not be healthy because I was also avoiding questioning myself why did I do all those things in the first place.  I was afraid of the real me. It`s ok. It was not my fault. I accept it now.

4- I read a lot. I read forums, articles about brain chemistry, I studied the subject but I wasn`t feeling godly, I wasn`t feeling like all those man and woman reported in the first place. I was in doubt about the whole thing. Why do this if I`m feeling anxious, afraid and angry? Let me tell you, I was about to click.

5- The feeling of depression sank in, flatline, feeling 0 libido but I was thinking about it, I was feeling guilty that I wanted sex, that I wanted to O. It is ok. I get it now, this is normal and part of the process. This might be the hardest part, the depressing shit you go through this phase, feeling lost without identity. But do not worry, it will get better. FEELING 0 LIBIDO IS OKAY. IT IS YOUR BRAIN REGULATING ITSELF. IT IS NORMAL TO NOT THINK ABOUT SEX ALL THE TIME AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

6- The click I mentioned wasn`t something like an a-ha moment. It was gradual. How? Why? I have no idea. But for me, and maybe for you, that feeling of depression, anxiety and anger it is because I was lacking a reward for my brain. I had shut down every single benefit of PMO and my body and especially my mind was aching for a hit. I read about but it didn`t connect to my thoughts right away. That`s what a brain fog actually feels like. You can read, you can hear something but your brain feels distant from the actual reality.

7- During this phase I found myself, for no reason whatsoever going through some plans and old hobbies that I had left behind. Seriously, I`m not creating this shit up. I restarted a personal project of brewery and got it going little by little. Read something, bought some equipment and started working every other day. How did I do that? Now I know, but I`ll tell you about it later on.

8- The thing is, I didn`t complete my research, it is still ongoing. But I started to reward my brain with little hits of happiness. It brings me a smile to type this, but I became less depressed and less anxious while I was working on this new stuff. Brain fog aside, it makes sense now. I was rewarding myself with something else besides PMO. Every day I had a little improvement of my mind, my thoughts became clearer each day. I wasn`t as angry but I confess that my short tempered was still kinda there. I understand now, I was in the verge of finding my true self.

9- Before I realize, I was waking up more energized. I was also more confident in social situations. I might have flirted several times without even noticing it. My EQ was 100% but I did not had the urge to O like I used to. Mind that I wanted to watch P and M, but it was a different kind of degree of neediness if you get the point. Suddenly I had goals, I was establishing clear objectives for a day and for a week. I was LIVING, that`s when I realized that I had clicked.

10- item 9 was during mid 70 day. In the past 20 days I developed my inner sense of empathy, I am more aware of others feelings and how I was such a jerk in some situations. I`m still not over being short tempered, but I learned to accept myself and work on it. In reward, I`m feeling great. Just great. Right now I have three ongoing projects on my life besides work (did I tell you that my work got better? well it did…). I have these three hobbies and they have nothing to do with PMO, but they reward me way more than that. It is weird though, I`m discovering all these things that makes me want more from life (stfu so corny), but it is true.

I am so proud of what I have been doing and how I am communicating myself with others. How I am capable of expressing feelings towards someone else and how that all of this it is actually the true ME. I discovered during the past 90 days that I am a good person, I have several flaws but I`m working my ass off to become better not for others, but for myself. I started working out (I`m not running yet, but I`m not eager for it) and lost 6kg in total. I`m saving up for new clothes and a teeth whitening (lol, I always wanted to do this).

It is good to take care of yourself. Be a bit zealous with what you got. Be proud of who you are and the most difficult thing is: accept yourself, it will only get better.

For the next 90 days I will continue to work. I did not count each day from my recover, I tried to focus on other things besides counting, that helped me a lot.
I won`t promise that I will never PMO, because O is good, P is great and M feels good. But nothing related to PMO came even close to what I`m feeling now.

So if you are in need of a word of advice, or an incentive to start your journey. Do it.
It is a path to know yourself, why are you behaving like this and how getting rid of binge pmo can turn your life around.



by idontwanttoreveal