Age 38 – My rigorous training is diminishing a destructive temptation

I am 38. My desire to quit watching porn originated when I reached a point where I did not feel good about myself after  watching porn–I started to feel that watching other people have sex was a sleazy, unmanly activity. I was also disgusted with the porn industry’s extremely seedy underbelly, and I didn’t want to help it profit. So I made a promise to quit. But then, I would have relapses–almost exclusively when drunk. I realized I had an addiction–I wanted to quit, but couldn’t. That’s why it’s so critical for me, from the stand point of personal growth, to stop.

I only experience relapses when I drink. What usually happens during a relapse, and I bet you know exactly what I am talking about, is that the intense urge to watch porn overpowers your will power–I am guessing it’s analogous to what drug addicts experience. During these relapses, I have either justified giving in to the destructive urge by telling myself “I only do this when drunk” or I simply surrendered to the temptation without justifying it.

Over the last two months, I have been relentless in reminding myself that if I cave in to the temptation, I will feel worse about myself the next day–that objectively speaking, the costs far outweigh the “benefits.” This is a destructive habit, I’ll repeat, especially when I know I’ll be drinking that night.

So yes, I guess you could say I’ve been fortifying my mind against giving in to a destructive temptation–through routine self-reminders about why I gave up porn in the first place and why making excuses (e.g. blame it on the alcohol) is a an inexcusable cop out.

Oh and this is critical: over the last two months, I can recall just once when the urge to watch porn was so great that it would have broken me in the past. Thankfully, I overcame it. BUT, I am optimistic that my rigorous training has actually diminished the temptation’s power–something like repeated action (or inaction in the case) leads to habit. After all, the ideal is to not be tempted to watch porn at all, right? Maybe I am getting to that point, but I am not letting my guard down, not becoming complacent–if the enemy compulsion returns, I am prepared to fight it. And I will continue to train my mind for battle if the enemy returns as powerful as ever. I know, very dramatic!

You mean how do I masturbate? I close my eyes and fantasize. I am lucky enough I can do that. What I fantasize about is another issue–but one step at a time.

LINK – Porn free since 10/8/18–over two months. Longest streak in more than two years. YES!!!!!

By Thrasybulus