This is my first time ever actually reaching 90 days although ive had a few decent streaks i think 70 was my best before this. How do I feel? Really good to be honest. Now for a short story. I’ve had basically a sad life. I started life as a winner, I was social, popular and happy. At the age of 15 my life came crashing down (for reasons I won’t bother going into).
This led to me suffering extreme anxiety and a mild-moderate depression that has lasted around 18-19 years and robbed me of what i hoped would be the best years of my life. I’d wake in a total brain fog, then travel to work on the train in abject terror. My whole world would often be dark from derealisation/depersonalisation. I never felt like myself, i was scared to talk to people and i was unable to have a flowing conversation for long.
What hurt the most is i am extroverted and quite socially competent. I didn’t rest on my laurels in this time; in fact i tried everything I could think of to get better (however nothing much worked until recently).
Anyway, fast forward to today, my anxiety levels are at about 3-5%. I have felt so much better for around 2 months. I am feeling joy again and I am returning again to the person who I once was. I can think clearly and smile when I’m chatting to people. How much of this is due to nofap? Unfortunately, i am not 100% certain. These are the changes i have made
– Accepting and letting go of anxiety (3 years this began)
– Started a depression program (currently week 13) and practiced nightly relaxation (the nightly relaxation has blindsided me with how much its helped).
– Had a sleep study and found mild – moderate sleep apnea (AHI 17), started sleeping on my side (around 1 month ago).
– And of course no fap (0 porn, 0 fap for 91 days) .
It’s amazing to see that I was not too far gone as I had almost lost all hope for myself. I’m actually a bit worried to find out how much of this is to do with nofap. If I’m honest, I’m hoping most of my feeling better is to do with other things. I’m worried when I do get laid again it could send me back into anxiety again. This being said, i have no intention of fapping right at the moment, I want to continue to feel good for a long while. The longer a person can feel good the more their nervous system will desensitize.
What i do think (at the very least) is that Pornfree/Nofap has given me time and energy to focus on myself and my goals which has changed my life. I don’t think I’ll ever watch porn again. The Nofap has been extremely easy for me this time. I haven’t been reading here or watching my days, I’ve forgotten about it for weeks at a time.
Lastly i am left with a bit of a problem. A woman from my work (who is married) has been really flirting with me. Indications started around 1 year ago that she kind of liked me. I was a total mess back then, anxious, couldn’t properly look people in the eyes so i have no idea what she saw in me. Now I am different, my eyes are almost glowing and while i am not a god or anything I just feel a profound sense of relief and lightness. She has clearly noticed as she has ramped up her flirting a lot (to the point of trying to touch my hand a couple of times, looking at me with doe eyes, plenty of comments).
I’ll be honest, having a women flirting with me has felt really nice I’ve not had much attention and sadly, i actually really like her. I’ve thought about my values and have decided I will resist her. I don’t want to break up a marriage. I’m not sure if i should tell her flat out to stop or just pull away from her (I’m thinking the latter). I’d lie if I said it’s not kind of tearing a hole in my feelings to be honest. I’m not perfect btw, i’ve slept with a married women when I was far younger. Typically everyone loses and often the single person’s emotions are the ones fucked with the most. Perhaps one small thing i can take solace in is that from all the pain i’ve built a bit of character.
Apart from that unintended side effect though, I’m hoping that my life might continue to get better from here on in. Perhaps I’ll be able to find an unattached lady and be in a relationship after all 🙂
TLDR: 90+ days, I’m not sure how much of my feeling great i can attribute to nofap (due to it leading to me trying other things) but I think it’s helped quite a bit.