For the last three months I didn’t look at porn. I cringe writing this because I don’t want to be known to even look at porn at all. But here we are, and I am sharing this personal detail of my life with thousands of strangers I will never meet. I had plenty of urges and plenty of lows, but I am grateful to finally have accomplished this.
Before I begin, please excuse my English as it is not my first language.
What I noticed
It’s hard for me to tell exactly what changed. I didn’t keep a journal per se, but I have a weekly task planner that I use and when things get hard, writing in it in a stream-of-thought style usually helps. More on that weekly task planner later. One thing is certain: I feel more. This means that if before everything was kind of gray, now things have more color. I think this is a pretty common theme on this board, one of the first things people notice. That’s a positive most of the time but also a negative sometimes, since “negative” emotions like sadness and horniness are exacerbated.
Also, I bought a task planner in January, hoping it would help me be less stressed. It didn’t really work at first, because I didn’t know how to use it well and because I would never actually have the will to sit down Sunday night and plan the next week. Recently (4 weeks ago), I did it. I planned my uni week and all essential tasks of the week. I felt better and that week was way less stressful than the previous ones. Since then, I am planning each week every Sunday. Fingers crossed that I will continue. As you can understand, doing this porn-free challenge made me realize that I had willpower. I always thought that this was something for others. That I was lazy. But this was only simple excuses that I told myself, brothers. Now that I have the power to change one thing (my porn consumption), I can change all the things I don’t like about myself. Before I was only a slave to myself, and a bad one at that. Now I am becoming not only a better slave, but also a much better master.
Dealing with fixations
I often have pictures or small clips of porn videos I used to watch that just pop into my head. I call these, “fixations”, i.e. when porn thoughts enter my mind I am under the process of fixation (a fixation is similar to an urge, I’m not sure if there’s a difference at all). At the beginning it was extremely hard to deal with these blows from my subconscious. It’s crazy how much details I can remember. The colors of the scene, the moans of the actresses, the music, the way all my self dissolved while I starred blank eyed at the screen. It’s really powerful. Even writing this is making me breathe faster. I have an O.K. memory, but in a state of fixation the recall is out of this world. It just proves that porn is its own category of experience, something different. As mentioned, this was a big problem for me at the start of my journey. I had to find a way to deal with these, and I think I found a good strategy. Now, as soon as I start reliving a porn watching experience in my head, I “freeze” the frame and I imagine a big white hot fire consuming the thought, like putting a sheet of paper in the Sun. I use this fire, it becomes my fire, and it gives me new energy while destroying these thoughts and putting me out of the fixation state. Nowadays, it has become a defense reflex for my mind; I don’t even think about “starting the fire”, it just starts itself when a porn fixation begins.
What’s next
Obviously, I will continue on this journey. However I think it will radically transform into something that doesn’t only include change with respect to porn, but with respect to consumption in general and with becoming a good person. I am highly addicted to my smartphone (mindlessly browsing Reddit, even this board!) and so I will try to defeat this other monster looming over me since my early teenage years. I also started working out (bodyweight). This will hopefully make me better at using my body and will increase my confidence in my abilities. I also have a good reading habit that I wish to keep forever.
I’m 24 winters old. I noticed my erections where less strong and I had trouble keeping it up with my girl. However the symptoms were mostly psychological (head fog, lack of concentration and confidence, etc.)
LINK – Ninety Days Report
By monodrome
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