So I’ve been on a “streak” of about 40 days. I really don’t like the fascination with the “streaks” because I found the healing process has started the day I decided that I had problem, and wouldn’t continue PMOing 3 times a day, which was about 1.5 years ago now. In recent months, my PMO is nearly non existent, and like I said before I’m now at approx 40 days. I cannot say I have been having any more withdrawal effects, and I have gone past my flatline. The only thing present now is the occasional moodswing (which could be attributed to anything really) and porn dreams.
I recently met a girl who things are going really well with. And we have been having sex. We care about each other, and we made it clear to each other upfront that casual sex was not on our minds. Having a relationship with another human being has been amongst the most fulfilling and exciting experiences I’ve ever had. It’s new to me, as my previous PMO habits suppressed my drive for human intimacy and interaction for a very long time.
My PIED is non-existent, and the sex is very enjoyable, even if I don’t “finish”. When at the worst of my PMO life, I lost my virginity to a casual hookup that was so numb and devoid of feeling, I hated it. I couldn’t keep my junk up and I felt so empty inside. I don’t quite think I’m having delayed ejaculation now, I just chalk it up to needing more time with her is all. It’s just amazing how magical sex can be when it’s with someone you care about and that cares about you. I always knew porn was an act and fake, but it never occurred to me just how “cold” it really was compared to the real thing.
We all know those “porn dreams” we get when we begin to distance ourselves from porn. I’ve been having them here and there still. I guess that means my brain is still rewiring. I know by talking to others on this forum that they are not uncommon by any means. They can range from being really really intense to mild. Usually they have me waking up relieved to know they were just a dream. The worst of the dreams was the other day, where I dreamed I cheated on my girlfriend. And at the same time I cheated, I was looking at porn on my phone.
I woke up wanting to vomit, as I was still in that sleepy stupor where I haven’t yet realized I was awake and it was all just a nightmare. After I realized I was awake, I had time to think about what the dream meant for my mental state. I was deeply disturbed from the cheating, but also at the link between it and porn. Clearly I’m not as “out of the woods” as I thought I was.
I guess that’s why they say the full rewiring process is 90 days clean. It’s difficult, but so rewarding when you begin to discover things about yourself during this journey.
Rather then feeling discouraged, I’m only more excited for what the future holds in my healing process.