I am always moved by how difficult this is for all of us. Yes, extremely difficult for me, too. Stopping pmo is surely the hardest thing many or most of you have ever done in your lives. For me, it’s been worth the trouble. Well, I can hardly believe it. 90 days seemed absolutely impossible when I started back in October.
I had never managed more than 60 days one other time and 30 days a couple of other times. Otherwise, it had always been streaks anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks. But then I learned about yourbrainonporn.com and this community and they were big game changers for me. It has still been challenging. I’ve also had many of the nice benefits and you can read about those in some of my earlier updates. Those are truly worth the trouble, by the way. I have such amazing focus and learning capability right now that it’s crazy!
Here’s what I’ve learned that may alter how you approach this. It’s a bad news/good news sort of thing.
1. Bad News – For those of you waiting for that magic day when the urges go away, stop holding your breath. They don’t go away. At all. Don’t stop reading here and don’t get depressed because this ends up also being part of the good news, okay?
However you are defining urges, let’s agree that the common component of any of those definitions is arousal, often accompanied by a real strong desire to orgasm. Yeah, none of that goes away except during flatlines. But…
2. Good News – What happens is that from about 30 days on, you start to get used to the urges! That’s right! You start to get used to having them and I’m even now kind of enjoying them! You also get better at being able to handle them and get past them.
This next bit is for the guys (no offense to the women who might be reading this but guys have their unique sets of problems, too). Men, having urges and wood is just a natural part of having testosterone and other androgens surging through your body. It’s part of being a man and they are natural. The difference between you and those guys who don’t have a pmo addiction is that you fap your urges away, believing that you’re fapping your stress away. Other than very temporarily, you’re not.
Guess what you are actually fapping away? Your manhood. Your desire to meet your obligations and carry out your responsibilities. Your mojo to talk to girls. Your self-esteem. Your feeling of masculinity. Your time. Your relationships. Your happiness. It leads to a lot of your stress and social anxiety, which then leads to procrastination and more stress, fapping and even depression.
Why is it so damned difficult? Why suffer the torture of urges in order to beat pmo?
For many or most of us, the pmo cycle has become a compulsion, meaning our brain’s limbic system takes over and we can’t stop ourselves once triggered without a lot of difficulty. You can read more about this in the education section of this website. I recommend that you do.
But in addition to the compulsion, the urges are so strong because most of us really never allowed the urges to build before. We always fapped the urges away. Guess what? In the same way that the so-called non-fap “superpower benefits” are just qualities we would have if we weren’t pmo addicts, the urges are also what we would have if we weren’t pmo addicts.
Instead of fearing them and fapping them away, use the urges for mojo! This is what those successful youtube Fapstronauts like Elisha Long mean then they talk about transforming or transmuting the sexual energy. Boys fap the urges away. Men use the urges to get stuff done, mojo for talking to girls and getting themselves out of their comfort zones and positive energy for conquering the world through a career or for getting good at stuff like climbing, etc.
Bottom line: Don’t fear the urges. Don’t fap the urges away. Use them to exercise and do amazing stuff!! If you feel the urge to fap, drop and give as many sets of 10 stomach crunches as you can, holding each one 5 seconds–you’ll build amazing abs. Use the mojo to call up that girl you like. Use the energy to go to the gym or pay the bills you’ve been putting off or clean out your messy car or whatever! Anything but looking at porn, which leads to M, which leads to binge, which leads to feeling like crap, which leads to looking at porn, which leads to M, etc.
This is, in my experience, what the 90 days is about. Learning to embrace the urges. Enjoy feeling aroused! Enjoy feeling like a stud! Don’t fap that arousal away! Get off your ass and get something accomplished. That will build your confidence like crazy!!! Self-esteem and self-confidence come from accomplishing things. You have NEVER accomplished anything bigger or more impressive than beating pmo (unless you’ve conquered another addiction). If you can conquer this, you can conquer ANYTHING life throws at you.
Yes! It’s sheer torture, especially after the flatline stage. That testosterone surge after the big, horrible flatline is when you need to start doing something with your time. I ended my big, horrible flatline at day 32. On day 33 was my very first post on this site and since then I’ve been keeping my thread humming like a machine with positivity and compassion. That’s how I spend my time that I would have previously been fapping. Now after 90 days, I’m going to start backing off a bit from this thread and start attacking things I need and want to do in my life!! My urges are still strong (maybe stronger since I have so much more testosterone and other androgens zooming through my body) but I now HATE porn and refuse to look at it. I don’t want to M habitually ever again. There’s no going back, you see.
As one of the thread members said yesterday, at this point, nofap becomes a lifestyle rather than a hope. Even if I were to give in and M once or twice in the next few months, I know that there is NO WAY I’m ever going back to my former habitually fappy self. That boy is gone for good as far as I’m concerned and I have no intention of giving up the man with all his benefits. No thanks.
Keep working everyone. Embrace the urges and use them to beat pmo. I’m proof that you can do it. EVERY STREAK IS A GOOD STREAK!!! Use every streak to build your strategies and ability to get used to urges and avoid triggers. Hide your stupid phones while you’re at it. Seriously.
Focus on the streaks and don’t despair at relapses. Keep track of every day you don’t fap and watch your calendar get filled with streak days. You’ve got this!!