Just dropping by to share my progress so far. I started nofap in January, 247 days ago to be precise. Reason being I could get myself off as much as I liked but couldn’t orgasm with a partner (any partner), whatever they did or however hard they tried. Back when I was 19 had never masturbated before in my life, and I used to only orgasm from me-on-top PIV sex (which I realise is quite rare, as most women need clitoral stimulation, but I didn’t).
By age 20 I had got quite a taste for orgasms, and when single got myself a rampant rabbit [vibrator] – big mistake, PIV O’s never seen again, or any other kind of O’s with anyone. Over the next 14 years I could O only from the rabbit, while fantasising (or watching porn).
6 years ago I chucked the rabbit and finally learned how to use my hand, but still had to fantasise or watch porn to O. I could only orgasm with a partner, if I MO’d myself a certain precise way during sex and fantasised, so I wasn’t present. I also couldn’t get physically aroused with my partner any more. I thought this was because we had been together for nearly a decade and the spark was gone – but actually it’s because my mind only recognised my own hand and unrealistic fantasises as a source of orgasmic pleasure.
So, fed up with only being able to satisfy myself and feeling broken down there, I decided to try nofap. I quit porn and haven’t looked at it once since quitting, which wasn’t a problem as I only watched it a few times a month and was never addicted to it. I was desensitised from it though, even from just watching it a few times a month. I also attempted to quit MO, which I have been pretty successful with, having long streaks, but then I would have the odd week of relapsing here & there. Most importantly I decided to stop fantasising about unrealistic or pornographic things. These thoughts had accompanied my arousal and orgasm for 14 years, and its these thoughts that were really messing up my psychological sexual function.
There were 2 issues that needed sorting out;
- Physically – I had the female version of death grip. I could only O if I rubbed my clit with a certain pressure, direction and speed. So I had become completely physically desensitised to any other kind of touch from myself, let alone from another person.
- Psychologically – I had the female versions of both PIED and DE. I could only become physically aroused or reach O if I was off in fantasy land or watching porn. No one and nothing that happened in real life triggered physical arousal for me, even if I was horny and gagging for sex. So of course, O with a partner was not possible.
This is how it’s gone so far;
- Day 20+ arousal issues started to improve
- Day 40+ sex and touch start to feel much more pleasurable
- Day 47; had my first ever O from oral sex – in the upright sitting-on-face position (still needed that element of being in control) – have continued to have these since then
- Day 70+ during a relapse phase, able to MO clitorally without fantasising for the first time, from touch alone. And able to O from massaging and gentle touch rather than intense rubbing motion.
- Day 200+ during another relapse phase, able to MO vaginally without direct clit stim for the first time, simulating sex. Vastly increased lubrication during sex – sometimes to gushy levels
- Day 246 (yesterday!); I had my first ever O from oral sex while laying down – crucially, this is the first orgasm I’ve ever had in my life where I wasn’t upright/on top, and therefore not in control of the motion. So technically, it’s the first time in my life that I’ve been able to lie back and relax while someone else brings me to orgasm, with absolutely no input from myself
Where I have put ‘first time’ above, I mean first time ever, in my entire life.
So it’s taken me 8 months to get to this point. I’m still not able to O from PIV sex like I used to before I started masturbating, but I do believe it will be possible if I keep going with this, as I’m able to MO vaginally now. The physical ability is there (which it wasn’t before, I wasn’t physically able to when I was PMO’ing and fantasy MO’ing all the time), it’s just the mental side of transferring it back to actual sex to figure out now.
Strangely my MO’ing has never reduced my sex drive or my attraction to partners, or my capacity for intimacy. I remained a very sexual person throughout my MO addiction. I just didn’t work properly any more. And as a very sexual person, this was very upsetting for me.
It’s worth mentioning that death grip, PIED and DE are all very noticeable for a male, with the sex organs on the outside and very obvious. But for a female, where it’s all neat and internal, you can’t tell. You don’t realise there’s a problem for a long time, because you can’t see it. And whereas a man needs to be physically aroused to have sex, a woman doesn’t. I enjoy the sensation of lube, but I spent 14 years relying on it because my body wasn’t responding. If I were a man, I’m pretty sure I would have been sorting this out as soon as my bits stopped working properly, instead of 14 years down the line. I’m now in my 30’s, and spent the whole of my 20’s with a MO addiction only responding to myself. All the while completely clueless to what the problem actually was.
Anyway, my advice is this. If porn or masturbation are in any way affecting your desire for sex, your responsiveness to another person, your sexual function or your ability to orgasm, now is the time to start taking action. It might take a long time, it might take a really long time, abstinence will be unbearable at times, and you will relapse at times. You will sometimes feel like it’s pointless, that it’s not working.
But it will be working. If you try, and you dust yourself off and get back on it after you fall, slowly but surely, your mind will be re-wiring in the background, your sensitivity and responsiveness will start to return. For me, reconditioning has been absolutely crucial so far, not just abstinence. If I didn’t have someone to play with, who was aware of my issues and willing to be patient with me and help me learn it all again, I would not be able to do this, my sex drive is too high to just go without sex.
My partner, who is a recovering PA himself, has given me wonderful oral for months, on a weekly basis, well aware that there would probably be no orgasm from it, but willing to do it anyway, purely because it feels nice for me and helps my mind re-learn. It’s this kind of play and understanding that is needed.
Don’t get too hung up on the 90 days thing. I was never even addicted to porn and it’s taken me a lot longer than that to get to where I am now, and I’m still not where I want to be yet. Think of it as a new way of life that will be ongoing, and just be patient with it
Hopefully I’ll be back at some point to say that my PIV orgasms are back but regardless, I’ll be carrying on, because being able to lie back and receive pleasure and O on my partners face is just the best!