Girlfriend – PIED progress, but it still hurts that he lied to me for so long

He used for our whole relationship with exception of a few breaks but has been officially clean for over 4 months now. Our relationship sucked with porn. I caught him staring at other girls while holding my hand a lot, and not just a glance. It embarrassed me, and obviously made me feel really insecure. He always swore he didn’t watch it. He always lied about how “he’s not like every other guy and would never do that to me”. He would say I should be glad he doesn’t hide it and just lie about it like every other guy. I found his folder once, he deleted it right then and there and promised he didn’t know he still had it(he still maintains he didn’t know, it was one of the few times he took a porn break by himself so I believe him). His decision making was always spotty, he has other addiction issues too. But he would always be tired and lethargic, when we would argue he would be rash and explosive all of a sudden, and he always had erectile dysfunction- the whole relationship.

-The ED killed me. He swore it wasn’t porn. I had massive trust issues from a past relationship so I swallowed my gut feeling constantly because I felt like a toxic partner for not believing him and tried to convince myself it was just me, not him. His brother and best friend had the same issues and said it was normal, especially with a condom. I had a hard time blaming him if other people were the same way at his age and I had yet to learn everything I know about the negatives of porn. It went left unsaid for a while because of this, but I suffered silently and miserably as we could never have a real sexual relationship because things didn’t work out with him. It made me feel so unattractive and unwanted, he also never initiated so that didn’t help. He could also never finish unless he used his own hand to get there. It was awful.

-He eventually told me he was using porn, in a fight. I’m glad he came to me and I didn’t have to find it myself again, but it fucking killed me and it still does. He has made so much progress and I’m so proud of him. He’s asleep next to me and I keep looking at him and smiling because I’m just so proud. I know he wants me to heal. I know be wishes he never did this. I know he regrets not listening to me when I said I refused to have porn in my relationship.

He’s come so far and been so clean. Our relationship has improved so much. But I have such a hard time improving. I can’t look at men the same, I can’t look back on the good times of our relationship cause I always wonder if he was watching girls show off then or not and I usually end up crying. I have no clue how I’ll be able to go to my favorite place with him, the beach. Going to the mall is even really hard. Sleeping is impossible. Waking up in my own skin is miserable. Looking in the mirror is devastating. And being complimented by him feels like being stabbed sometimes.

[UPDATE: According to my bf, sex is SO much better. He prefers it over bjs now lol (i just mean the feeling, not the whole act)

More:  getting a good streak going makes a huge difference with PIED. my bf had it pretty much the whole relationship until he quit and now things are great. he always says how bad he feels for ruining sex cause he didn’t realize it could feel so amazing if things worked properly. our relationship without porn is so much better too]

I came a long way with my self esteem before knowing about his use, him telling me killed it. I know I’m beautiful and have a lot to offer. I know I’m thankfully conventionally attractive. But god it fucking kills me that my best friend who swore he only wanted me constantly chose to use and fantasize about naked girls showing off. He didn’t even watch that much actual porn. He can never take it back and he’s trying so hard to undo what he did but it just isn’t really working. He’s really a great guy, unfortunately the world is just porn sick and he made a really bad mistake. It hurts so much that he lied to me for so long over porn.

-All I’m here to say is, dont keep doing it. Get off that leash. Be your own person, not some sheep following this awful industry. We’ve all been sucked in, the whole world is sexualized now. I don’t blame any of you for being porn addicts. But you do have to take accountability for the pain you cause and the lies you tell. Get out while you can and live a better life. Have a positive relationship with women. Would you want your mom or you daughter treated the way women like me are treated?

You guys are all doing a great job starting and keeping streaks, reading in this sub is already a huge step up from most porn users. You can’t change the world but you can change how you see it. You can change the pain you inflict. You can change supporting an industry that inflicts so much pain. Men have always treated me terribly and over-sexualized me, since I was a little kid. And I’m sure porn was a common factor for most of them. So many women deal with it too.

Porn promotes it. Porn promotes the lying, the degradation, the violence, and the pain. It promotes the HUGE lack of respect women face nowadays, especially the self respect. We can’t change that but we can change ourselves. I can grow and heal. You guys can do the same. I hope this opened some light to the other side for you guys. I hope this is useful to someone. If not, sorry you read this far but thanks anyway lol

LINK – From the partner of an addict

By mgmtbitch