So for the first time in my life i have reached 30 days after countless of attempts of getting through 14 days without relapsing.
I’m very pleased and happy that I’m on the path to become a better, healthier man.
I am 23 years old and have been masturbating to porn several times a day since i was around 12. Right before i started to fight against porn i was very anxious, depressed about being lonely and very demotivated about normal stuff that everyone do in their daily life, like cleaning, cooking, working out etc.
All my encounters with sex has been disastrous. I have not been able to successfully penetrate a woman even though i have been with quite a few. Last time i was in bed with a girl was in march, i remember she was giving me BJ and i just couldn’t get hard. It was very tough for me and i was a coward for not explaining to her about my problems. I tried my hardest not to make her feel sad about it, telling her stuff i really meant to make her feel good. And just like the other encounters, we did not speak ever again, it just got awkward as usual.
I felt more sorry for all the girls for being with me, and i realized that i had to quit this to make myself happier. I have PIED and i haven’t had any morning wood since the age of 19.
First 7 days
First 7 days were very hard to go through, i had reached the bottom of my life where i was always feeling down and sad after masturbating to pornography. I had strong urges during this period but fought my way through it by willpower and writing on a paper of 3 things that i wanted to do (or not to do) during the day that would make me go to bed happy and grateful. I managed to get through seven days by trying my hardest to resist all urges.
In day 9-10 i felt reaaally good about myself and felt more energized. I didn’t think so much about it until i got to bed and couldn’t sleep. Insomnia had been striking me hard and this is TO THIS DAY still a problem for me, i have trouble sleeping because i’m too energized to sleep.
2:nd week to day 30
The infamous flatline has come to visit my body… at least i assume it is.
My penis is basically dead, it has shrunken to a level that is really embarrassing for me, and i have no libido. I’m really just riding the wave as for now cause i see flatline as a great opportunity for me to just stay away from anything that is visually sexual.
As for now, the urges to watch PMO is MUCH MUCH easier to resist. I guess the 2 week barrier is a tough one to climb over, but once i’ve gotten past it, i feel that i’m controlling my mind more and more instead of the mind controlling me.
Benefits from staying away from PMO has been quite few for me personally, but oh so valuable and motivational that will keep me going.
More energy and motivation to explore and do stuff
I feel that i have much more energy to do stuff that i wouldn’t do before. Like going for a run in a windy day, or going to the gym to lift weights. Cleaning my apartment, socializing with college friends at 11:30 at night and hanging out, learning how to cook different dishes. I have willingly done these things unconsciously, and i think i have a lot to NOFAP to thank for this. I need less hours of sleep to feel enough energy for a day. The downside of the whole energy thing is the insomnia at night where i find it more difficult than before to fall asleep.
I’m starting to dream more vivid dreams again! Not every night, but they are coming more and more frequent. Oooh how i miss dreaming while sleeping.
Happier and willing to socialize more
I am looking people in the eyes and talking to them with a smile rather than forcing myself to do so. I feel more grateful to my family and friends and my anxiety is less frequent than ever before.
Thoughts and questions about my journey right now, and ahead
1. During the first two weeks of college i met many new friends. Guys and girls.
One girl is very interested in me and i like her a lot and we have been chatting and talking a lot. I think it’s the first time in ages where i actually feel mature feelings about a girl, and not just thinking about having her in bed. Problem is.. she has BF she says she doesn’t like. I don’t want to do anything with her until she’s single, and to be frank i don’t think i can trust her if she’s single either.. maybe we should stay just friends.. but that’s not important for now.
Anyway, I got invited to a party in which she did not come, that’s where I found another girl that was really into me. (MAYBE ANOTHER NOFAP BENEFIT??) I have been reluctant to have sex with anyone during my streak because i have PIED, and i don’t want to end up like all the other times before. We met and she was very funny and beautiful. we ended up kissing and snuggling in bed when we slept together, we did not have sex and we did not touch each others genitals. I felt really good the day after about not trying to have sex with this girl.
Is this setting me back or is it helping me in my recovery?
2. So I’m in 30th day, and my morning wood is still non existent. I read a lot of success stories where people have been getting there MW back within 30 days. I know every journey and repair is different but.. should i be worried that my morning wood hasn’t been back, not even the slightest yet after 30 days?
(please feel free to tell me about your own experiences, when did your morning wood come back? At what age?)
3. College life is pretty hectic but really fun. I enjoy partying a lot on the weekends but I’m worried that it could slow down my progress with NoFap. Could all the partying/drinking/smoking/smoking weed in the weekends be slowing my progress?