The last of the depression has left me.
2 months ago, during my last post, I was very angry and frustrated because I wasn’t normal yet. Spoiler alert: I’ll NEVER be normal. I am a porn addict. But I’m clean. And I now function normally.
Shit, man, the past week has seen me fail at sex, have a large emotional conversation with my wife where I cried and told her I felt like a failure as a man, and that my performance anxiety was killing me. She kissed me. She told me she loved me, and that we would just start messing around with no pressure.
That’s all it took to end performance anxiety. The past week had been filled with fun, playful intimacy, with ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. Sex 5 or 6 times. Lots of kissing and love, no worry. And I get harder than Chinese algebra lol.
This program saved my life. You guys saved my life. 47 fucking months of this. 47 months in and out of flatline. One Month shy of four years. Four fucking years. No relapses, no fapping. Just pain, and growth. Am I 100%? No, but I’m close.
And I’ll never go back to porn or porn substitutes or fapping. I’ll have to be careful, cause it can sneak in, but eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.
I thought I’d wake up one day, and the sun would shine on me, angels would sing, and someone would hand me a certificate that said I was healed. Lol that didn’t happen. What did is I woke up today and am happier than I can remember being. Ever. And all the worry and fear is gone. Has been gone. Since my wife kissed me.
I love you all, I’ll pop in from time to time to offer encouragement…but I do have a favor to ask? Porn was (IS) a bitch. It will steal your joy and make you cry. I know that for a fact. This whole experience ended with a whimper.
I want something louder. If it were springtime I’d hop on motorcycle, burn the rear tire, and play this song at top volume. In 8 minutes I leave for lunch. I plan to smoke the tires, blast this song, and hoist my middle finger to porn. I did it, you bitch. I beat you. If you can, if you will, play this loud and sing along. As far as I know only one other dude has taken this long to recover. This is for you, brother. It has been an honor.