I start by telling you that as a child I was very shy. One of those children always attached to the family and who never left much from home, not even with friends. I never felt excluded, but when everyone did something, let’s say, I thought about it many times and then in the majority I pulled back.
having said that, my first memories of attraction to the opposite sex date back to when I was about 7 years old. Obviously at that age I did not know what the sexual act was, but I was equally attracted to it. so at 8 I called my classmate at home and we began to touch and do something more intimate. Already at 8 years I had discovered a new world and I felt much stronger and safer, paradoxically without knowing yet what the world of porn and masturbation was.
At 11 I changed school for family reasons, and I found myself in a class where there were all the guys who were talking only about pmo. so after a few days I started this practice too. here is discovered another world as when I was 8 years old. I started practicing pmo every day for at least 2 times a day. I could not wait to get home to do it. with the years I started to download porn movies.
I became more fetishist, and I was always looking for something stronger. So far everything is OK, my life had not yet suffered. Meanwhile, at the age of 15 (I always kept pmo twice a day) I had a girlfriend for 2 years, while my father died and she was very close to me. then over time I turned around and started to smoke weed and to make use of cocaine during the weekend and for this reason she left me after a few months.
She left me when I was 18, and so having understood the mistake I left the cocaine forever. but after a few months I began to suffer from mental fog, apathy, panic attacks, I could not understand what the reality of things was anymore. I felt lost, as if my soul and my self no longer existed.
so I went to the doctor explaining my story. but the symptoms reported to him did not coincide. it could not be a crisis, let alone a physical problem because all the blood and urine tests did not find any problems. so I became even more frustrated with frustration and started smoking about 20 cigarettes a day.
One day I met a beautiful girl I was still 18 years old. she attracted me so much, after a few days, we went to my house. but there at home I suddenly felt embarrassed, without knowing and being able to do anything. I did not give it weight and trying to start the relationship I found my first ED. I did not understand what had happened. It had never happened to me before.
For the embarrassment also towards the girl, I left and I tried to start doing sports, going to the gym, running, swimming in the pool etc. momentarily I felt better, I thought that everything had been caused by too much stress and I convinced myself that it never happened. so I tried with another girl, and again I found ED. Then I got nervous and angry with myself thinking that for the evil I had with my ex-girlfriend I could no longer have relationships with other women.
In all this, however, I never had ED with masturbation accompanied by porn. but of this I noticed it a year later. so, after the last bullshit with the girl, I got depressed, but I continued to fapp.
The brain fog increased and I also began to lose the memory of my previous years. I lived in a chasm, lost libido towards the girls. my eyes looked like a heroin’s toxic and inside I felt older than my grandfather. I went to a psychologist and he too (like the other doctor) thought it was due to the handful of stress I had in a few years.
But I did not feel like that, in fact I knew there was something else … at age 19, you can not be so stressed or even feel as old as a 80-year-old. So I looked for myself on the Internet, I tried everything: diseases, erectile dysfunction, stress, food allergies, but nothing … I could not find a cure for my problem, because the problem did not even know what it was.
I bought food supplements that gave me strength for a few weeks, but then again I found the same problem, and I realized that now in my daily Fap, I was increasingly going to meet a sexuality different from mine. I was looking for videos always composed by 3 people, and one day I happened to watch a homosexual porn. The main fact is that it was disgusting to me and I did not understand why I was looking at it. so I panicked and searched the internet if years of porn could change sexuality.
among many things I found YBOP.com and later this community. I started to read all the posts, comments, videos on the site and my eyes lit up … all the problems that were reported on the site and in the forum were mine. I must tell you that all this I discovered with a great mental fog in my brain. I realized that I, too, were years since I had a morning wood, that listening to music I did not feel emotions, that my libido, and my way of seeing the girls was now dead and the only thing that I cared and I could the pmo survived.
this for me was the discovery of happiness. from 28 October I committed myself in the 90 days of reboot on hard mode and today I am on the 60th day.
during this period, I started to be myself, I see and I understand people, I realize the importance of people and life itself, I feel the best food, I sleep better, I have morning erections, the mental fog is gone , my libido is much stronger and I almost feel like I’m back when I was 14. My memory improves from day to day and finally I feel good, I feel safe, alert, I feel that my problem is going away.
Unfortunately, children as children are immune to everything, and they think they are invincible, but unfortunately it is not. we are very vulnerable especially when it comes to sexuality, and unfortunately the companies that offer porn (they do it for free) know that they can manipulate us.
no fap really helps people, because this is unfortunately a big problem that still few people know. unfortunately I spent 4 years of my life in the dark, seeing the rest of my friendships progress and being happy, while I tried to solve a problem that actually proved to be an addiction.
it was very difficult the first few days. I did not sleep, I was nervous, angry, depressed, I passed 3 very powerful flatlines in the first 30 days. they took the paranoia and I woke up during the night for this. now after 60 days, without, my mind is remapping, I feel energetic every day, I play sports, I always try to help others and the thing I like most is that finally (in addition to having a sex drive unbelievable) I can finally look in the face of the girls I like and flirt with them without taking my eyes from them, without being afraid.
Unfortunately, I still can not remove the cigarettes. but I’ll try as soon as I finish the 90 days. This is my story so far. Thanks to everyone for what you do and for the support you give to people, I hope I have also helped someone with my story. always look for the best for you.