For last 586 days I’ve been on NoFap everyday. Not that everyday I wasn’t watching porn. Not that every one of those days I was absolutely free from orgasming. No.
It’s not about it. It has never been.
It’s about freedom from slavery that I put myself into when I was 13. It was, is and is going to always be about becoming innocent again, feeling the air in the same way I did when I was a kid. I know I will get there.
How it all started.
Laying in bed, pushing my penis back and forth while not knowing what is about to happen. It’s just me, the bed and thoughts about an random girl I’d like to have some sexual connection with.
I go wild, my kids brain imagines everything that might as well happen there, even tho I have seen P before maybe once or twice.
Yet I think about it.
All of the sudden something weird happens. I’ve never known this feeling before. It’s so… Unusual. I couldn’t explain it back then and even now – I can’t explain exactly how it felt.
Things got really weird, I was confused. Ran to toilet to realize – I just had my first orgasm.
Journey to hell and back started here…
Sins, sins… Deadly sins.
Sat in front of my brothers laptop for entire day. Playing games, talking with random people over skype and just not enjoying life at all. That’s 13 year old me.
Night comes closer and everyone is falling asleep, including my brain.
But not the sins. They crawl up, they get into my head. They lit up fire in dopamine lab and it just burns like in hell. It’s bad, but immature me loves it. Watching everything that makes me feel that rush. I’m just digging it more than ever. Feels so good, just like paradise.
Months after, I had to move into a house that my parents lived in. I didn’t like it as much. Didn’t have the access to internet. But magazines with naked girls? ANYTIME! As soon as my parents would go to nearest shop that was like 6 kilometers away from home, I would just lose it. 3 times a day, 4 times a day. Sometimes just doing it to do it again later. There was no sense in it – I was grabbed and sucked into that void.
What even IS life?
Don’t ask me. I can’t reply. Busy avoiding it.
I was turning 14 and I was also turning into a rotting piece of meat. I didn’t have personality. I didn’t have social life or real friends. I just had computer… That was not mine. And power of lust – to more precise – that was the power over me, not the power I controled.
I lived with my sister then. As soon as she was out to work or just to live a life – I wasted mine with porn and videogames.
I felt horrible. But I didn’t know why. I was kind of there… Just eating, using PC, going to school and back. Nothing had meaning, nothing had purpose.
In school I was laughed at by peers, since I was only 14, and most of 14 year olds in my school were not really friendly. It’s kind of natural here I guess.
School made me feel bad. I was not wanting to be myself in my own brain.
I had changed like 4 schools before that. I’ve moved around – and I was tired.
I wasn’t from an wealthy family. I was poor. Clothes were shit, hygiene was shit and I myself – felt like shit. My head was full of noise, stress and overall bad feelings about future and life in general. Lifeless, loveless, helpless. Also, just horrible kid in nature.
I’ve always been different from other kids. Really different, not just in traditional sense. That also was one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to connect to the world. Cables didn’t match the ports I’d say. I was really trying to make friends, but my fucked up way of thinking and brain that I had fapped away just kept twisting things in different directions and made it just worse and worse day by day. Also my way of showing feelings is different, so it was just bad chemistry there.
I wanted out.
So who am I?
Once again I changed schools. This was the last time tho. But it wasn’t easy. For almost two years I barely talked to anyone. I was quiet, shy, hiding from myself and others.
I was there in my own room now. With my computer and my own pornography. It was worse than ever. I was becoming worse than ever, life did also.
I was into myself so much that… People noticed me not being there just because of how REALLY quiet I was. I was so into myself, so lonely and just anti-social that it is hard to believe now that that 16 year old there was me now. Of course you have to grow up too, so with that comes in some changes, but I still believe that porn was killing my self esteem that I was already lacking badly. My life was shit. I was overweight, loser, eating chips and playing age of empires 3 for like whole summer, just fapping my self away. Swimming in my coom and wanting to die.
And they hit hard. Me, my mother, father and two dogs had to move from house two one room.
Don’t ask why, it’s basically years of heavy drinking and problems with egos… Not going to point fingers really.
There I was. Mom drunk, laying on floor, dad drunk – laying in bed. Dogs laying next to mom, me – standing there – mad at the world. Bitter and sad. Now everyone in small town new that I had to live in this one tiny fucking room with all those problems…
King dogshit I was.
But it changed me. And for better.
In some weird way I lost like 8 kilograms of weight. Was it because of me growing up? Maybe. Maybe different diet or… If that’s how you call it. Maybe. Noone knows, but one thing I can be sure about – it was part of chain. I slowly started changing.
Not always for the best, but in general I became more confident, gave less fucks and lived better life even in one tiny room with drunk parents.
I became probably the most talkative guy in school, I was more confident, I was just… A kid again.
No, I did not stop watching porn – but I did it less. I also realized that there is nothing I can do about this change. It just happened and that is that. I can shove it up and live with it.
And I did.
Not gonna go in to many details, just let’s jump to that day.
What a beautiful morning
Woke up and grabbed my phone. Wanted to know why am I even watching porn. Started looking for benefits of porn (what an idiot) and found… Nofap!
I straightaway started accepting the fact that I’m an porn addict and I need to save myself from it. I think I subconsciously knew that I HAVE TO GROW! It’s within each and one of us.
That same evening I sat in meadow with my dog and thoughts about how I will never watch porn again.
Same evening I watched anime with such a feel of joy like never. I felt like becoming an innocent kid again.
After 4 days I signed up on this site and real journey began.
I went through a lots of hard and tough moments. There were beautiful moments also. Euphoric – just paradise in it’s core.
Even after relapsing I knew that I’m doing better than the ones not knowing about nofap. I always kept it in my head – I’m blessed. People on nofap – they’re blessed. We are all blessed! This is the true beauty of life – freedom from your demons!!
Here goes things I realized while on Nofap journey:
- Doesn’t matter how many days you haven’t been watching porn. Sure, streak is a good thing – but streak without strong core ain’t shit. The more you know about porn addiction, the sharper your sword becomes. READ ABOUT PORN ADDICTION! EDUCATE YOURSELF!
- Women are far more beautiful than men in some way; they are no tools at all. What they have is magic, true beauty. They are not meant to be tortured. Not by force and not by an eye.
- Life is really beautiful even in it’s darkest moments!
- What you have between your legs is power. Not just two balls and a friend – but power! You have body, mind and soul. Use your mind to control your body and let your body make your soul happier. Don’t let the lust take control over you.
- There is no such thing as “just taking a look”; it’s a relapse. Drop dead relapse! Do not take a look at something that’s porn related. NEVER!
- You don’t have to look at porn at all. It’s not good for you. It never was and never will be. The ones who benefit from porn are the ones that make it. Please – DO NOT SUPPORT PORN INDUSTRY BY WATCHING PORN!
- You don’t have to focus on not thinking about porn. Just think about something else. Acquire that skill of snapping from an urge into doing something creative. It’s REALLY important.
Tips on avoiding urges!
- Work on your mentality. Just cause you have an urge doesn’t mean you have to give up.
- Do push ups, pull-ups – something physical. Spend your energy.
- Cold showers. They help facing challenges everyday.
- Do one of things you like doing the most everyday. Make sure it’s not porn. If you like reading – read. If you like drumming – play the drums! Just do something that you really don’t have to force on yourself and let it take your time and useful creative energy away!
- Read, read and once more – read about porn addiction. I did mention this before, however – it’s often overlooked by a lots of people. Be really consistent with it. Never stop doing it. Make it a ritual. Read at least one or two posts on nofap/porn addiction a day. Just get it in your brain.
- Philosophy. Have it. It helps A LOT.
- Journaling. Journaling helps. Can’t explain how, but it just… Does!
- Lifting weights. If you can lift something heavier thn you, then you can easily quit porn addiction. Weights are not just about physical stuff. It’s also mental things that might as well help you get through this tough journey.
- Accept that nofap is hard. But don’t get scared of it. If you’re going to accept quitting porn as something easy – it won’t be easy, and the fact that you lied to yourself is going to fuck up things even more.
And finally – the benefits
- Improved focus
- Sense of innocence.
- Don’t enjoy so called “black humor” from 9gag or shit like that. I used to laugh at fucked up stuff, cause my brain was a mess. I was messed up myself, I just couldn’t care less. Not now. I think my brain becomes more ethical and closer to what it used to be when I was just a kid.
- More strength and stamina. I feel way better physically than ever.
- Not caring too much. Might as well just say confidence, but I think confidence comes from knowing your abilities. This is more not caring too much about someone laughing at your failures etc.
- Better mood.
- Clear mind. I can control what mentality comes in my brain. Fuck losers mentality. Do what you have to do to become who you want to become. Don’t whine about how bad things are around you. Just enjoy what you have.
- Gratefulness. Really, it makes me so happy to be able to be thankful. Yes, I said it – I’m thankful for being thankful!
- Breathing has improved. When I was an active coomer, I had asthma. It’s still there, but it’s like 10 times less intense. Rarely any asthma attacks.
- I just want to improve myself now more and more! I want to be a man more and more! I feel like I’m spiritually growing more than ever. Clarity of mind helps a lot.
LINK – My way.