I couldn’t go a fucking day without jacking off. I was one of those ’10 times a day’ types. I woke up every morning and reached for my phone. I jacked off before getting out of bed and before going to bed EVERY DAY FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. I have spent as much money on toilet paper in my lifetime as smokers spend on cigarettes.
I had all the symptoms. Objectifying women, socially nervous and anxious, erectile dysfunction, migraines. I also found myself watching some sick shit just to get aroused. And I mean SICK. I was fuckin sick.
My journey has not been straightforward. I’d been trying for the last 4 years to kick this habit. It was like, “I know how much I want to stop, I know why I want to stop, so why can’t I fuckin stop?“
What is it about that innocent split second urge that just completely trumps all the benefits of NoFap just for that shitty 10 minutes in the bathroom followed by a 10 second feeling of euphoria? What is it about the immediate regret and guilt that doesn’t seem to matter an hour later when you’re back doing it again?
I made it to 30 days once. It took me being absolutely obsessed. I had to set timers on my phone that went off every hour, reminding me that “Love is sacred.” PM’d on day 31.
My advice: this counter shit is petty. Fuck how many days you’ve abstained. What do you want a fuckin trophy? All that did was give me a reason to relapse once I got there. I remember being on day 29 and wanting to PM so bad. I didn’t, because I wanted to at least make it to 30. After that though, trying to comprehend another 30 days until I got to the next “checkpoint” was overwhelming. You gotta take it a day at a fucking time.
I’m coming up on 100 days but I don’t give a fuck about that shit. I know I’m not going to jack off TONIGHT before bed, and that’s a fucking miracle. I’ll worry about tomorrow when it get’s here.
What was the most crucial thing in my recovery? Learning HOW to get past an urge. Developing “tools”.
It’s not fucking easy to pick up the phone and call an accountability partner when you want to jack off. In fact it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But guess what, it fucking worked.
I grew the most from my “close calls”. Fuck what people say about “edging” being a relapse. I edged around 30 days, but I DIDN’T RELAPSE AND GREW MORE FROM THAT EXPERIENCE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I had a full on boner and was looking at girls on Instagram. But I didn’t finish the job. I didn’t bust, and I forced myself to go soft. It took awhile. I was sitting there for an hour in total, debating just going to the bathroom and finishing. It was terrible. I grew so much from that fucking experience because I DID NOT GIVE UP in that moment. I had to fight all the way through it.
To be perfectly honest, after that near relapse, it’s been pretty smooth sailing. I still get urges all the time but I remember how shitty that experience was and I know that if I edge again I’ll have to go through that same shit, so I just don’t even bother. I don’t entertain the urge. It comes and goes instantly.
I have friends that are girls now. Friends with an “s”. Like friends that I don’t just want to fuck. Girls are humans. It’s okay to have friends that are girls that you don’t necessarily have to be trying to sleep with. It’s part of the superpowers you get from not being exposed to ass-fucking on a daily basis. There’s more to girls than pussy. They are genuinely awesome.
I don’t know how the fuck this happened, but I am so grateful to be free from this addiction. I was in chains to this addiction. PM had me by the fucking back of my neck. I had my hands cuffed. I was a fucking slave to porn. And somehow I am now free. I never want to go back to that bullshit. My life and relationships are getting better every day. To those of you struggling, keep trying. I had to try for 4 years before I figured it out. Find something that works for you and stick to your program like your fucking life depends on it. If you care about freedom and happiness, it literally does.