I’m 25, and I have been an addict since I was around 11

Ok, this isn’t quite a success story like there are many here. It is because I’m writing it in the moment of hesitation, and lack of confidence, but there’s hope.

I’m 25, and I have been an addict since I was around 11. It came to me as a natural drive, encouraged by kids around who spoke about P. in such a manner, that made me wanna taste the forbidden fruit. My first true encounter with P. was when I got confident enough to go to the kiosk, and ask for a magazine from the top shelf – one of many placed to high so that kids couldn’t reach them, or naturally see them as they walk inside. To my surprise the lady behind the desk didn’t ask questions, and sold it to me like it was a bar of chocolate. The magazine turned out to be just a CD with a couple films on it. After all these years I can clearly remember it was called ‘Your Tabu’. Me and couple freinds got together in one of them’s flat, and begun the screening. I remember the feeling of super-excitement we faced, and at that time nobody knew what to do about it. The following day at school I had a chat with another friend, who was ‘more experienced’, and he told me about M. He told me to shake it around 80 times, and it’ll be over (yes I realise how ridiculous it sounds). After the school I went home, and made sure I would be alone. I played the movie and it was my first time ever to experience M. and O.

PMO has become the brightest part of every day. No other pleasure or experience could equal it. I started treating girls as s*x objects. The only reason I wanted to have a girlfriend was to reperform what I saw in P. And of course I couldn’t have any. I was too fearful. My confidence dropped down like hell. I used to be a bright, happy, and confident person back in the elementary school, but after crossing the the portal of despair, I starved for attention. I did all kinds of stupid things just to maintain the acceptance of my friends. After several years I started experiencing anxiety, and some symptoms of depression. I couldn’t connect anything happening to me to PMO. I was too short-sighted.

At the time I was 15, I got into church a lot. I thought I believe, and I was even thinking seriously about becoming a priest. At this time I was about to accept the sacrament of confirmation. I prayed a lot, and wanted to quit PMO. I thought that Jesus was gonna save me. After the sacrament event, I abstained PMO for 2 weeks. And then everything went back to what it used to. The reason is, my motivation came from the outside. I wanted to quit because it was a sin, not because I knew it was ruining my life. So once I discovered Jesus wasn’t gonna save me after all, I got away from church for many years. Such a long streak of 14 days hasn’t happened to me up until couple months back, when I discovered nofap forum. It’s not that I wasn’t trying. I just couldn’t find the strength inside me. At some point I gave up fighting, and accepted it’s a natural behaviour, and there’s nothing wrong with beating the meat once in a while – since everybody does that, and people don’t seem to look miserable.

Another turning point in my life was when I was studying. Being at the age of 20 I was still living with my parents, and suddenly I started feeling pressure on moving out. It’s not that my parents were kicking me out, they even wanted me to stay, but I realised I have little time to deal with my life. It evoked massive anxiety, and depression. I felt I couldn’t handle myself in the future – that I am incapable of sustaining myself. I was always depended on someone else, so I never really made any choices, making me feel responsible for myself. At this point I still couldn’t see how relevant in this case was my addiction. I got into therapy. I began digging down the past, trying to indicate what went wrong. I was honest with my therapist, but felt shameful with my PMO addiction, so I was hiding it for a long time. She gave me basic mindset, and helped me understand some of my fears based on my difficult relationship with my father back when I was a kid. And it made me feel better, but I still didn’t think that was it. Finally I came upon this website, and I read, and I read, and I read. I did some calculations, and it turns out that I PMO’d around 8000 times so far. I decided to give nofap a shot. It was 9th March 2018. I started the 90 days nofap streak.

Somehow I managed to survive week after week, and when 14 days broke, I felt what you all describe as superpowers. I was stronger then ever before, and I could control my s*xual drive! And then, a miracle happened. I met a girl on tinder. She was way outta my league (5 years older, actress, and model who lived past 10 years in Asia), but she totally fell in love with me. Fot the first time in my life, at the age of 25 I had a girlfriend!!! At first it was awesome. We were meeting, texting, spending time together, and we had s*x. I still stuck to the reboot, although upon experiencing massive pain in my balls I would release the tension once in a while, but without P. It was simply a mechanical operation, where I didn’t think about anything, and just waited for it to pop out. I know it was kinda cheating, but still, who’s there to judge? Now, having the opportunity to fulfill my wildest fantasies, I used her a lot. And I wasn’t aware of that. I thought I loved her, whereas I only needed her to feel loved, and to release my s*xual tension. At 26th of May 2018 we broke up. I felt both relief and regret. I relapsed after over 70 days, not having completed the challenge.

This made me feel like shit. I was in paradise, and right after, I slammed my face into the brutal reality. It took me a while to compose, and come back. And what a comeback it was! The following 3 months were the most unbelievable months in my life, where I constantly proved myself how incredibly strong I am. I began doing things I hated most just for the sake of doing them, and feeling uncomfortable. Waking up at 5:30, having only cold showers, and running (two half-marathons so far) are just the most vibrant examples. I was setting myself goal after goal, and I constantly numbed myself by the striking results. My productivity took off like never before. I started eating healthy, exercising, and meditating every single day. I made a list of goals for the next year, and for the next five years. Some of them are almost abstract, but I really committed, and the progress I made in order to achieve them is significant.

I also analysed some parameters, that I was writing down every hour I was awake for the past 3 months. It seems that s*xual drive is like a wave. It comes and it goes. In some cases it’s 10 days in, 10 days out, but it changes over time. When it’s out I really don’t need to think about resisting PMO. It’s happening automatically. But when the tide comes, it’s becoming extremely hard. I broke my vow a couple times. I did watch P. I did that for couple hours. But I did not MO. I knew the only way to survive was to avoid MO, when the wave comes. And so I did. Now every time it presents to me, I spend less and less time fantasizing. I’m looking forward to see how this is gonna be in one year’ time, since it’s one of my goals.

I am currently at the 116th day of my PMO hard mode streak. And I see that my shoes start slipping. For some reason I lose motivation. I no longer can sustain all the healthy and productive habits I incorporated into my daily routine. It kinda worries me, but at the same time I am calm. Some voice in my head keeps telling me, that I was going too fast about all this, and now I need to rest, in order to gain forces for another comeback – yet another, stronger, better, and more striking. So even though everything around me is crushing down, and by not doing anything I risk not completing my goals, I stay peaceful and confident. For the better must come eventually.

Whoah, it took me 2 hours to write this down, but I think it’s gonna be helpful both for me, and for you all.

Take care, and stay strong!

LINK – 116 days of awesomeness

by realsawyer