I’m not sure my story is worth note other than the possibility it may scare one of you readers into trying harder to beat this addiction. P has really been the largest negative aspect of my life. I’ve been a modest success in many other aspects but P addiction has threatened everything I value and have worked for. It has brought my marriage to the brink, cost me so many wasted hours, days, weeks, months, years.
P has ruined relationships, created self loathing, turned me into addict. P may cost me my 2 sons’ love and respect, my beautiful wife, my house and the life I’ve worked so hard to create. If you read no further let me stress this point; Take this addiction seriously, attack it and put it behind you. Do not underestimate it! P is not an acceptable part of sexuality. LEARN TO HATE PORN!!
I absolutely hate being an addict and my aversion to admitting my addiction cost me years and the trust of my wife. I shake my head wondering how the hell I could become an addict to dirty pics. Seems so pathetic huh? Well the more I read, both On NoFap and other sites I realized I had followed a well beaten path (pun ).
I’ll keep the back story short as so many have the same origins. Porn started young, at the beginning of the internet which was near the start of teens. Most of my youth spent watching too much. I was a shy kid, P did nothing to help that, only increased sense of isolation from women.
No positive sexual relationships until early 20’s. Sex was awkward and occasionaly disastrous with moments of PIED and general poor confidence. I guess it was fortunate that I was in a lifestyle that had lots of single women around so could have some relationships but they were almost always tainted with distraction, dishonesty, and the self centeredness that came from P. I actually justified P use by telling myself I’d rather PMO than take home a girl I didn’t like and have a 1 night stand that I’d regret.
I was so far from making the connection that the P addiction was the reason I only hand 1 night stands, that they were regretful and that they stayed at 1 night. A few longer term relationship didn’t go deep enough to uncover my severely stunted capacity for love and sexual complexity and wholesomeness.
I broke this pattern when I met my wife. She was the first women I looked at and decided, I’m going after her 100%. She was gorgeous and absolutely enthralling. I was drawn to her and she turned out to be everything I ever wanted in a women and more. We loved the same things, had the same priorities, challenged each other and complimented each other. I loved her, shared a vision of future life together and best of all, she is hot and the exact type of women I’m attracted to! Porn was no longer needed,,,,, or so I thought.
It was still there, even after we were in love, after we got engaged, after we got married, after she got pregnant, after my first son, after my second son. I couldn’t believe I, a supposedly capable, intelligent, accomplished, healthy, father, and husband couldn’t stop looking at strangers pathetically exaggerating ridiculous sex scenarios on a screen.
Discovery day 1 was terribly dramatic. My wife (of a short time then) found some P open on a laptop. She was pissed, in particular as our sex life was not great at the time. I promised I’d cut it out and she trusted me. I think I actually thought “what’s she so pissed for? Every guy does it”
D day 2, months later, wife more pissed off. This time I promised again and actually meant it. This time I was actually a little disgusted with myself and thought, “this is not fair to her”
D day 3, months later, seriously pissed. I thought “wow, I’m fucking up, but I’m no addict, I’ll just have to concentrate”
D day 4,,,,, “I’m not an addict, I hate addiction, I’m not weak, I’ll fix this, she says she is disgusted with me but I’m not an addict” backstory: My greater family has a few alcoholics in it so I hated the idea my life could be destroyed by addiction.
D day 5,,,,
Let’s just say I’ve sort of lost exact count of the number of times I promised and then relapsed and then lied to her. Sad thing is I was sincere in my promises but unprepared to make progress and deliver on them as I was in denial that I was addicted.
Last D day, Late March 2018. My second son was born 3 weeks earlier. My kids are everything to me and I’d die for them but I guess I’d also risk losing them as my wife had warned me many times before. P has been gone since maybe January but M was there and I was replacing P with fantasy. I have 20 years of P imagery stored up in my head and a brain wired to be objective and over sexualized. I can create my own P, just as damaging and caustic as any website.
Now it wasn’t a threat of “if you keep doing this I’ll leave” now it was “I don’t think I can stay because you disgust me when you do this and I deserve better” It was sad to have to admit that I was disgusting and she did deserve better and IM ADDICTED.
Thank god, fate, chance, thankfully I found NoFap and with that found out I wasn’t a pervert or a sexual misfit or degenerate. I was an addict who had fallen into an addiction based on biological trigger fed by a inexhaustible, immoral technology.
The good news,,finally,, this is a celabratory post after all. 90 days and I can attest to the power of the Reboot! I no longer crave porn. I have no urges to watch it nor do I Have the urge to fantasize and M. I truly despise P and how I behaved and no longer miss it.
I did at first, really missed the idea of searching and finding some P scene, no more favorites or hardrives full or hours spent. “Never” felt like an insurmountable time frame but now it seems like freedom. Really does, freedom from mental trap, a loop of ever repeating PMO shame, repeat, again and again. I’m cautious to not count 90 days as too grand an accomplishment but I do feel free of the need, urge, want to be there again. I’ll have to continue to work the process and stay vigilant and fresh on my distaste for P and never downplay my capacity for addiction.
I’ve realized early that 90 days may be a good start but forever is the goal. I can’t have P come back.
Now the harder work of rebuilding trust and saving my marriage starts. 90 days was step 1.
As a bonus, which I never foresaw. I’ve explored a deeper line of self exploration than ever before. I’m creating a philosophy and moral code based on the wisdom that so many offer on the sites I’ve visited and books I’ve read in the last months. I’m building a robust belief system and exploring faith which is all new to me. It feels like a time of great personal growth. All triggered by the catalyst of addiction! This is a deep rabbit hole and I’m optimistic and eager to keep going. Regret and shame have been pushed aside by growth and challenge.
If I could plead with anyone looking for guidance, Reboot works, trust the system, push hard, set a reasonable Goal but realize this could be, should be a life change. Reboot to rewire to live the way you know you should.
It’s getting late, Good luck!