When I first discovered masturbation when I was 11, I never knew how much control it would have over my life. Over a decade later, I thought I’d never be able to kick the habit and had almost resigned to the fact I would deal with it for the rest of my life. It made me hate myself, I used it to fantasize about having a loving relationship instead, and I needed to do it, which was the worst part. Not being in control of my own body.
Today is the 90th day I’ve been on Hard Mode. I look at my day counter app, and I’m just astounded. The first two to three weeks were hellish, and I understood addiction in a way I never had before. At that point, I did this one day at a time. It was never, “let’s make it to 90 days”, it was “just make it through today, and we will do that again tomorrow.”
At 90 days, it’s just a way of life now. And I feel the same decision I made on day 1. I don’t need this to be happy, and I’m tired of thinking I do. After over a decade of fighting, I found you guys and I thought “if they can do it, I sure as hell can. Enough is enough, I’m sick of this.” And here I am!
My mood is much more stable, I’ve moved to live on my own, I’m happier, I’m more in love with my body, and my confidence has slowly been improving. I floss daily, exercise frequently, and I’ve begun reading again. I still don’t have this raging confidence that some of you talk about, but I flirted with a girl the other day without realizing it, and it made me happy because it had been so long.
Most days I don’t feel tempted, but some days I do. When that happens, I just think about how I’ve already done 90 days, so what’s one more? I’m so glad that I finally, after almost losing all hope, took control of this and now I can bring this to the guys I help keep accountable.
Don’t lose hope. One day, you will realize, truly realize, that you can do this. After that, no matter how hard it gets, you’ll stay strong.
Love to all you, and keep it up.