Much more resilient, new job, more of a DGAF attitude


Today is day 90 of my hard mode, NoFap streak. I’ve been a lurker on these forums for a couple of years, only recently joining in on some discussion. I’ve learned so much from so many different posts, and I wanted to share some experiences and insights on what my 90 days were like. In hindsight, I wish I would have journaled this journey to maintain accurate records of what happened and precisely how I felt while going through it in the moment, but I will have to settle for general recall here.

My apologies.

I did a 105 day hard mode streak once before, with the caveat being that I was on tinder the entire time during that streak. The difference between that streak and this one (which I abstained from dating apps for about 80 days) is nearly night and day, though that might be a little dramatic. There is a big difference in quality of reboot, however, between the two.

Greatest overall benefit

The ability to get over adversity/let downs/self-loathing much quicker than before (cold showers, stoicism, CBT, and weight training with clean eating are all complimentary I must say). More of a DGAF attitude towards other people’s attitudes toward me. Not bulletproof but noticeably improved. Even keeled for the most part with spikes of anger, which I am now realizing, is a gift that should be acknowledged, respected, and channeled. Morning wood has been popping about 1-2 a week lately, which is an improvement.

Hey, this is cool

I also got my first job in nearly 18 months during this streak. It wasn’t from a friend or family referral, I was cold hired, if you will. The manager who hired me said twice before my first day, once during the interview and once on a follow up phone call: “I like you”. The way he said it was genuine and vulnerable. I’ve never really heard someone in his position hire a peon saying those words in a genuine manner. I’ve been accepted and praised by the few other guys I work with. I was told through the grapevine that the manager who hired me said I’ve been the best new hire in his 5 years.

Days 1-30

Relatively easy. I think this is because throughout the few years I’ve been doing NoFap, with varying successes, 1 month wasn’t really a crazy far off challenge anymore. 10 (maybe even just 5 years ago) years ago, it would have felt like an eternity. I got to a point for a while where a week was a snap of a finger and 2 weeks wasn’t much harder. As in, it became natural to go 1-2 weeks between jacking it (I wouldn’t even be trying nofap for that to happen.) This coming from a guy who blew a load a day (on average, or could it have been 2 a day?) from ages 14-26 to porn.

I do remember feeling anxious and as if everyone was looking at me (though they weren’t) during this first month when I would go to the library. I was starting a new habit of going there, but that self-consciousness isn’t there anymore (regarding the library anxiety, specifically).

Days 31-49

Major flat line. Depression and cynicism. I remember at times asking myself, is this what life will feel like going forward? In the moment, it sucked, because I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the only thing that would give me some “light” would be porn and ejaculation. It’s really hard to find a reason to believe you shouldn’t take your drug during this time.

There were definitely thoughts of “it wouldn’t be so bad” and “what’s the harm in it, you deserve a hit”. I also remember during this time, saying to myself out loud in my bathroom, in a moment of profound realization: “I don’t think I’ve ever met myself.” That was a moment I’m still pondering.

Days 50-80

In the clear for the most part. I would get near relapses simply from being at home and not busy. Times I would feel like it would feel so fucking good to just go have a session, but I didn’t. In this time, I was complimented on my voice by a female dressing room attendant while shopping one day. I’ve never been complimented on my voice in my 30 years until that point. It was interesting to hear that.

Days 81-90

I felt lonely and got back on bumble and tinder. These last days have been some of the most dangerous as far as likelihood to relapse. I’ve also fantasized more in these last few days than the entire streak combined.

My brain is recognizing the voyeur like quality of swiping on profiles of girls with the potential to meet up and fuck them. That creates an intense rush of dopamine as I lay in my bed hoping for a notification sound from my phone to see if she responded in a flirtatious manner to my witty, sexual text game.

Who knows, if I caught her at the right time, maybe she wants to meet up tonight for drinks and then fuck? Nothing wrong with that, but what’s “wrong” is those thoughts are a slippery slope into me wanting to beat my dick. Arguably worse, now all that is on my mind is women, fucking them, and waiting to desperately hear back from them via text throughout the day. It kills the clarity and freedom the streak gives me for most of the minutes of my day, otherwise. This is where I am right now in my streak. I know I need to delete those apps or I’m flirting with an inevitable relapse, most likely.

Some other thoughts

I still struggle with walking this tight rope. I still don’t understand entirely how dating and relationships work. My confidence is relatively steady, but could use more work. I fluctuate from comfort and passivity (not extreme, but I can feel it) and an intensity that is far too intense for modern culture. I have high T. I’m overall intense. I feel I have to pacify myself in some way to “get along” with society be that work, commuting, walking through the gym, etc. Sometimes through my efforts to be civil, I allow myself to be a little too hesitating, domesticated, and again passive. From the outside, that may not be too noticeable or even noticeable at all (I’m quite hard on myself, though that has gotten better), but I know I’m holding back a lot of potential for fear that people would be made insecure by how bright my light can really shine.

There is SO much I could elaborate on and so much more insight I’d love to give on all my findings and experiences throughout the years. This post is really a TLDR for what I would want to say as crazy as that may sound.

Thank you for reading.

LINK – Day 90 complete- Hard Mode

By californiadreamer11