My longest wank-free period of time since discovering the female form at age 7. One thing to admit. I have peeked at porn 7 times during the last 90, but not taken action on it. The urge to look still occasionally arises but it doesn’t seize me like it used to. Some claim a peek is a relapse. I disagree, I’m not saying peeking is good, it’s not, it’s bad. For me calling a peek a relapse would have 100% led to a full relapse, and that did not happen, for which I am grateful and proud. I’ve found that a peek does deliver the dopamine rush…. Which is exactly why I don’t want to do it again. But the positive is even if you peek, if you don’t MO then you don’t get the self loathing/ depression which is so personally and socially damaging.
My next goal is get from here (90) to 180 PMO free (obv) but also with zero peeking. I think it won’t be easy but I’m committed. Positives from my 90;
- My relationship with my SO is the best ever, healthy, loving, open – she has been effectively my sponsor through this and that’s help immeasurably.
- Sex is utterly different and incredibly improved. I never suffered from full ED but I definitely had many episodes if partial ED. That’s gone. And cos I’m not wanking into my socks every day the urge and enjoyment of real authentic sex is amazing. Also during sex we are properly present. Ie I’m not thinking about porn! And she’s completely noticed the difference.
- My mind is calm; the inner dialogue is clean and positive where it used to be critical and toxic. I finally like myself
- About 35 days in I picked up a novel I was writing last year and had left half finished. Since then I’ve written 27k words added 5 chapters, worked out the rest of the plot holes and am looking to finish it in the next few weeks. ok that’s about it.
Onwards to 180. One day at a time.
Thanks all, I wouldn’t have got this far without you all
LINK – Day 90, now on to 180