Today is a very historical day for me, since I’ve hit 365 days of porn abstention.. for the third time. I’m going to tell you guys about what things I’ve gone through and what things that are still here with me. If you haven’t read my first post here ( https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/9-years-of-ups-and-downs-of-fighting-pmo.236118/ ), be sure to read it first! Okay, we shall proceed.
The first six years (2010-2016)
I started know pornography since i was a minor. About in 2010 when the first Android devices came out, I saw a sexy advertisement on an online magazine. That’s when i got hooked by looking at that thing for a couple of times not realizing that i got hooked. I didn’t realize that i had developed addiction of pornography. This was when i fell into the depths of PMO addiction.
I remember that i started to look at more pornographic materials on the internet, looking for more adult magazines, looking for porn on the internet, and started to masturbate. When the first time i masturbated, it felt really awesome! It felt like the most “human” thing I’ve ever done in my whole life! … yet i got addicted to that pleasure. I spent days looking at porn and masturbating at a very regular basis. I’d most likely to masturbate three times in a week, and I’d get “sick” if i don’t masturbate for a period of time. I have always wanted to stop, but i just couldn’t. It felt like i couldn’t escape the PMO addiction, it’s so toxic and deliberating at the same time.
I’ve almost seen pretty much everything on the internet, i mean porn websites. I’ve seen soft and rough things. Those videos really changed the way i see about women and sex. Especially from the rough things taught me that women seemed enjoy to be treated rough as merely sexual objects. I used to see it this way, as i used to have an unrealistic type of woman. I used to objectify women as the result of porn addiction. When you look at porn, you won’t be looking at only one video. You’ll see a couple of clips with new things in it. That’s how i went from seeing soft porn to hardcore porn.
I also had a terrible social life. I’d stay away from people, not hanging out with people, isolating myself from the society just for masturbating and watching porn. For me, it was satisfying enough to do those things. I’ve never dated anyone in my life, just crushing on girls and they always rejected me heheehe. This is because I’ve become so attached to porn and it made me so lazy to interact and bond with people. Anxiety and panic attack were already present before i started my addiction because i had a traumatic event. So, PMO+ previous anxiety and panic attack= boom! messed up social life! I’ve always avoided from social interactions, trying to please myself at home.
I was very lethargic, unfocused, unmotivated piece of shit. I didn’t do very well at school, i was flunking (not too much) at subjects that require thinking like math and science. PMO has made me so lazy that i didn’t even have the motivation to study, to accomplish great things, to have a goal and doing it just for the sake of porn and masturbation. I couldn’t remember how much time i have wasted just for PMO. I’ve wasted so much growth time just for porn and masturbation. It is one of my biggest life regrets.
I felt like i couldn’t escape porn, i tried so many times in this period but always ended up failing OR binging at a crazy rate. I really wanted to quit porn but was confused and lost. I didn’t know such forum exists.
The Rise and Also The Fall (2016-June 24th 2018)
In early 2016, i fell sick from a quite serious disease and had to be brought to the hospital. I was resting at home for seven days. I had no energy to do anything, including masturbating and watching porn. I was really really resting and for the first time, i managed not to masturbate in seven days. It felt really good and i could feel some changes within me. So, i decided to do Nofap! Yes, Nofap.
Just about 5 months of the first reboot, after experiencing short-term, many waves of depressions, wet dreams, weird urges to come back, “brain sickness”, i could feel like something was changing inside of me. I became lighter (brain fogs), more determined, a high boost of confidence and charisma, more sociable to people. I started able to do maths and actually aced the test! I started to ace at every subject at school and i felt like a god!
In this period, i started to change my views about women and sex. I started to respect women the way they are, i started to appreciate sex and tried to socialize with other people. I’ve also became more friendly to everyone and I got more attention from girls and i could do a dash of flirt to girls. I’ve never been this great, i thought. Something was changing really really fast. The anxiety and panic attack still present anyway. But they were gone in mid 2017. I could live a very happy life without PMO, and starting to rebuild my life.
I was also appointed as the student union president at school, starting to socialize with people, bonding with seniors and juniors, building our school to be a better place. I’ve also started reading on various subjects such as philosophy, spirituality, history, psychology, and foreign languages. I’ve started to learn languages. I won some competitions on history and German.
So much for the legacy, at June 24th 2018 I did a stupid thing. After two and a half years of hard work, I failed miserably. I thought i was strong enough to see pornographic materials, so in the name of curiosity i decided to do a research on prostitution on the web. Started to see many naked pics on the web for i don’t know how long, probably an hour or two and started to feel weird afterwards.
In hell, again… (June 24th 2018- Present (June 24th 2019 as of writing) )
After that weird research of mine, i started to feel really weird and I had my first ever dopamine attack. When i was about to sleep, i felt a big rush of dopamine in my brain, messing its structure and making me panic. My heart was beating so fast, i was sweating, and whenever i close my eyes I had a flashes of porn pics/vids (and i could even hear them) that I’ve seen before in a form of quick, weird, psychidelic-ish as if you’re on LSD. I’ve never that panicked before. The dopamine surge was really real and terrifying, I couldn’t sleep for many many hours realizing that i had only slept for an hour or two BUT i was able to do things normally for the whole day. The dopamine surge gave me a lot of energy to do things.
I started to have a quick-dive depression. I.was.very.depressed. It was a rock bottom for me, so I decided to go all back-do day one. It’s not really a day one because it’s just a detour of a journey! Rather than complaining and reminiscing about how great i was, I started to make myself as a subject of test. I reviewed the symptoms I’ve experienced for the next one year.
In general, for the first three months I’ve faced many short-term waves of depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, uneasiness, and quick-tempered. I could also feel a decline in social interactions and the urge to stay away from people. I could feel that the effect of that dopamine attack is very harming and dangerous. It’s not killing me in everything, since I’ve seen the ways i could grow with the pain. I’ve vowed to myself that i’d never ever be edging again, even though I’ve maintained a long streak. A lesson for you guys.
In the 6th and 7th months, some of the symptoms have faded away. I had no trouble sleeping, i had no long waves of depression (short ones did still exist), i’ve regained my focus and my energy by exercising. I started to exercise every single day. And i realize how much exercising could make our reboot much faster alongside Nofap.
The anxiety still exists until now, I’m really getting on my nerves every time i see something sexually stimulating. I’m thinking that if i see that for quite some time i could get a panic attack (post traumatic) so i avoided completely on PMO. My biggest mistake in the last reboot was, i was still watching porn but less. I was only abstaining from masturbation completely, not both P and M completely.
On January 2019, i developed HOCD or the Homosexuality OCD. Basically, it’s like thinking that you are gay but you’re actually not. I was looking at a picture of a half-naked man and suddenly i almost got an erection. I was panicking SO much and i was thinking, “wtf man u gay?” for a lot of times. HOCD is very disabling, even if it’s been 6 months, it still feels like it’s here. The reoccurring unwanted thoughts, the countless reassurance (looking at women/men to see if you are/n’t attracted, checking on the internet about my own sexuality, trying not to be aroused especially when seeing men, stop doing the things/gestures that I’d normally do just because i see them as ‘gay-ish’, etc.) have been killing me recently. I know I’m not gay but my brain and body think that i am. It’s very disabling, much more disabling than Rebooting I think. If you have encountered HOCD, please let me know in the comments of how to fight this thing.
In the 8th,9th,10th months I could feel so much better in general. No more symptoms except anxiety, short waves of depressions (mostly caused by HOCD), and HOCD. I feel so much better in everything by doing Nofap. At the end of the school, I graduated as the valedictorian.
In the 10th,11th,12th months I’m already feeling better. No more symptoms except anxiety, depression, and HOCD. HOCD is the new disease that I’m currently fighting, and slowly getting better.
In this very special day, I’m remembering this tragic day that has put an end to my precious legacy. I just want to say, that quitting porn is hard, and will always be hard. But it’s not impossible. In my opinion, doing Nofap isn’t enough. You have to change your lifestyle as well. Try to exercise, eating healthy, doing positive activites, socalizing with people, meditating, learning new skills along the way. Quitting porn will be difficult, so brace yourselves for the worst and best things along the way. There will be times when you feel like quitting, and times when you feel like powerful, god-alike.
During Nofap, i could feel so many amazing things that I’d never thought i could have. These changes made me so sure that Nofap will be the best decision that you guys could do. I’ve been through a lot of short depressions, cryings, anxiety, unmotivatedness, lethargies, even feelings of suicide for the last 9 years. I had thoughts of killing myself because i just gave up. I told and asked God a couple of times to take my life, but he didn’t. He gave me a second chance to rebuild my life. So i did rebuild my life, slowly. I’ve promised not to kill myself, no matter how ass-kicking reality could be. I’ve become so determined and hardened by my dark past so that I’ve become a new person that is constantly craving for a new, better life.
My friends, don’t just give up yet. Don’t forget to suffer a lot, to gain a lot. I’ve lost what was mine, and I’m going to take it back! Make yours!
Let me know in the comments if any of you have a question regarding my success story or anything else. Thank you so much (I’m crying and being emotional now bcs writing this took me so much courage and remembering the bad days).