I’m 26, been addicted to porn and excessive masturbation since I was 12. I started trying nofap when I was 18 and have had many streaks going a couple weeks but mostly I would go months of watching porn several times per day, I could PMO 10 times if I was just home alone for a day. I had PIED and pretty bad anxiety up until this streak, I don’t think either is all gone but I’m certain that it’s much better now. Talking to girls was inconsistent. Some times I could be super confident, and over the years I’ve pushed some girls away because of the fear of my ED.
I just felt that I was about to lose my mind after 8 years of fighting without feeling like I’ve gotten anywhere. I had a good streak last year too. I think turning 26 just made me feel like I finally was out of time. I got depressed shortly after and isolated myself completely for a while. In the beginning years I would rationalize myself into relapsing. When ever I felt some confidence and got girls attention I rewarded myself with PMO and told myself that I still had time and when I finally beat my addiction I would get laid easily. This mindset made me able to function and have some drive in other areas of life. This went on for years and was easy to live with when I was 18-19 and early twenties but the last two years has been pure hell. I fell into a cocain addiction last year that got pretty bad.
Turning 26 kicked me in the head. All the opportunities that I had been offered but turned down started haunting me and I realized that missing out on those years could turn into a life long trauma for me if I don’t start living RIGHT NOW. A rough few weeks followed but slowly I started to focus on the fact that I was still young and that my early twenties hasn’t been a complete waste. I decided that it wasn’t too late but this was my last shot. The final train was about to leave the station and I had to get on it. This new mindset helped me to let go of my past and get to work; “I made it on the train, now let go of what your about to leave and focus on where your going”.
The key to this streak to boil it down, is that I fully embraced my past failures and bad actions. I will only judge myself on what I’ve been doing since June 24th, and that’s how I’ve been able to end the depression by ownership! Before I would let my self hatred drive me but thats not sustainable. The pain will turn you back to PMO every time. You have to truly accept the idiot that you once were and forgive him before you can achieve the mindset to change.
Cocaine is absolute death to the dopamine receptors so I think it’ll take longer for me to fully recover. And I fear that it never get back to fully normal functions, but I have to accept that. I’m way better now after 70 days and I haven’t done hard drugs since new years so I’m optimistic.
Yesterday during a conversation with a girl she stopped in the middle of it, went silent for a few seconds, and then said that I was her favorite person to talk to because I seemed so calm and present and that made her feel like she could trust me. That made me really happy because I would say that’s certainly not something I’ve been before.
I didn’t have to fight back images of her in sexual situations constantly terrorizing my mind just by looking at her like in the past. I didn’t feel like a secret creep because I’ve pushed through 70 days of not doing creepy stuff. It feels so good! And the funny thing is that when I stop sexualizing everything in normal situations and just enjoy people, girls pick up on it and think it’s attractive! “Inner game” is very real and really hard to fake, but it’s very simple to achieve it; just do good sh*t everyday and it will come to you.
I’m not feeling like I’m all the way there, I’ve just come long enough to get really excited about where I’m going and the prospect of being a better help and not a liability to my family, friends and hopefully one day, to a woman.
It’s hard to work out every day, keeping your home clean, doing your best at work or in school and just taking the anxiety from withdrawals on the chin while doing it, but the deep feeling of satisfaction after a few weeks is absolutely priceless. It feels scary at first but it becomes normal and just something you do.
LINK – Things are happening!