A year and a half ago I broke up with my first gf (L). Two weeks later I met this girl (M) and we fell in love. We spent ten days of that summer together before she moved away and we started school in different places. I could not have sex with her at first, in hindsight, because I was heartbroken. But then I started to look deeper and realized I had issues from PIED.
This got me into the forums. I frequently visited NoFap, but the more I thought about it and researched it, the more anxious I became and the harder it was to stop my self-diagnosed porn addiction.
I saw M again six months later while on a 30 day NoFap streak and I was so anxious about PIED that I just steered everything away from sex. This was my all time low. Today I realize that I not only had a bad relationship with sex, but with myself and my letting go of my first relationship.
This was early 2020. I started binging porn and then going on nofap for ten days, shaming myself and my sexual needs. Then the pandemic hit.
And with it I got back with L, my first girlfriend. I could have sex with her no problem because I trusted her with my shortcomings. Sex is a two-way street, not just a superhuman guy going at it for hours like they make it out to be in porn. So I trusted her and we were together, but I still fapped and watched porn. And then we broke up, around August 2020. This time I decided to actually put in the work and emotionally get over her. To feel good with myself. To remember that I was the only one I had to please, and that if I managed to do so everything else would figure itself out. I moved to another city (that’s another story) and got a job. I moved on.
And while I was so focused on myself and my new projects I accidentally forgot about watching porn. I was into it for about two weeks when I noticed. I was feeling powerful, and I fapped without porn and it didn’t drain me of that power.
I then discovered Pornfree, and with it something that NoFap cannot give you. Pornfree liberates your sexuality, while NoFap chains it to the ground. When I fap using only my imagination I feel awesome because I am actually horny, but when I was in NoFap it all felt wrong and I would just end up watching porn.
Since I wasn’t being artificially stimulated and I had a bunch of personal projects going on I would only fap when I got natural boners and I was chilling at home. That was maybe 0.9 times every week. I discovered that that is the perfect dose for me, but I am sure it varies from person to person. It is good to do it with moderation, as a form of reconnecting with and showing love to yourself. It helps you relax on a quiet Sunday night.
So my story came to an end last weekend. I met with M. She is someone I adore, but I had held back because of the chains my mind was held with. We went out and then back to my house. When we went to bed, the thought of PIED did not even cross my mind. I was ready, not only physically but emotionally. And after we had sex I felt this looming anxiety release the pressure it had been inflicting on my chest and my shoulders for a year and a half now. I went to the bathroom, looked at myself, and flexed euphorically. This moment proved to me that I had grown as a person.
I would not have experienced such a beautiful night if I had not sticked with Pornfree since I broke up with L for the second time. It taught me to remember that sex is awesome and private, not something that should involve cinematographers and millionaire LA producers. We’re only human after all. So thank you to the Pornfree community. This is my first post here but I have been reading about this for a while. We are definitely on the right track.
But I must say this last thing: when I first started with NoFap I thought sticking with it would automatically cure me, like some sort of prescription drug. Going on 100+ day streak doesn’t do shit. It’s about letting go of the emotional burdens we all carry. It’s about doing stuff that you love for yourself only. It’s about realizing that hookup culture and porn sets unrealistic expectations for ourselves, and makes us feel insecure. When you manage to do that you stop counting. But there is no rush. Everyone will get there when they need to. Like Daft Punk once said: “We’re only human after all.”