Just thought I would take a second to share my journey for the past 90 days. I’ve certainly gained encouragement and strength from all of your posts so I hope this is in someway helpful to at least one of you. My intent over the past 90 days was to quit looking at porn only. I have MO 2 to 3 times a week and sometimes less without any screen in front of me.
In the the past, I have done the complete PMO method for just shy of year but eventually eased back into full use when I got divorced. I had a good case of the “[email protected]# its” honestly.
I found NoFap and then fortunately this group (the NoFap group isn’t for me) and decided that once AGAIN I needed to take a good look at the effects that using porn was having on me and my relationships. I am I to say that PIED is gone, anxiety in the bedroom is gone, it seems my over all anxiety has diminished and my thinking seems to be more clear.
I have battled this for long time. Likely lost my marriage of 13 years because of it. I was always sexually curious as a kid and hung out with older kids who introduced me sex via talk and magazine pics (I can still visualize that the first porn layout I ever saw. think it doesn’t have an effect?) etc. I never was guy that liked to hang out in strip clubs or buy videos or magazines for that matter. But when the Internet came out, it started ramping up and up. The more bandwidth the more pics, then videos and I was hooked.
My use would eb and flow. Sometimes bingeing 3x a day and then nothing at all on other days. The content kept getting deeper and deeper into the black hole of “that’s not enough”. That’s what bothered me the most I think. It just wasn’t my natural tendency to be turned on by some of things I was using to PMO.
I’ve been through counseling, Sexaholics Anonymous, sex therapy, read books… etc. This 90 days have been different in that what has helped me the most is to know that I am PHYSICALLY addicted. My brain has been hijacked. The “Your Brain on Porn” explanation was the catalyst for this run. Knowing that I’m chemically addicted and that I just not a dirty rotten person with a dirty rotten secret (the guilt and shame cycle) really freed me from the cycle for some reason. It was like “Oh, if I stop feed this pleasure center all the shit it will let up eventually”. And it has. I look at it now like quitting smoking or getting off sodas. I don’t need it AND I better off without. I don’t know why but this just resonated with me.
With that said, I could lose it tomorrow and binge for 10 hours. I fully respect that my addicted brain is extremely tricky, patient and calculating. The good news is now when the urges come I just observe them, don’t fight them per se, take deep breathes, except that my brain wants this but I choose to let it go. It’s just a thought. I don’t have to act. It’s easier said than done sometimes but it IS getting easier as time passes.
It’s such a power struggle. I’ve been in all kinds of hell with this and I will always have it. I just hope and pray each day that I get the gift of letting it go. One day at time.
Here’s to 91 days! Thanks Pornfree!
LINK – My 90 day journey