2 years ago today I started my NF which I completed, it happened almost randomly and changed my life under many points of view and is one of the reasons why today I make six figures, have a gf, and see the world differently. This is my story, in hope it can help motivate someone who might be struggling to see the light. I have condensed some guidelines based on my experience and observations at the end. The post came out quite long (about 7 word pages) and it’s not necessary to read the full thing if you don’t want to, but the full story does help understanding where I come from, what were my problems, and how they fix themselves once you build up your momentum, during and after the NF. English is not my native language – please pardon any mistakes or cranky choice of words.
The post is structured as:
Introduction
Summary of improvements I can directly tie to the NF, mentioning how long it took to see them
TL;DR
The person I was before
The story
Guidelines for success
I’m using a throwaway for this – I’m not a particularly active user nor anything but this is by far the most private thing I will ever expose to the internet so I won’t take any risks. I will monitor this account regularly (at least once per week) as long as it’s active, in order to accommodate replies and DMs.
This post will not be limited to the NF, it will be more of a comprehensive story of my life revolution which the NF gave me energy and motivation for. This post is targeted to men in their 20s, and some might find parts of it offensive. It covers partially unrelated topics such as personal improvement and social interactions (especially oriented towards women). I know the FAQ advise against but they are part of my story and the factor that ultimately allows me to claim a success.
Intro
So, the reason why I want to tell my story to you guys is that today is the second anniversary of my “rock-bottom”, or the day that I started my NF journey. I look at it now as the pivotal event of my adulthood. The last two years transformed me in ways I would have never thought possible, and while I can’t attribute 100% of the merit to the NF (another self-improvement sub played a big role as well as circumstances), it was without doubt the catalyst, the “unmoved mover” if you like to put it philosophically.
I want to say already that I did “relapse” on porn during the years after my NF. I didn’t stop masturbating for good, and I never again stayed for so long without masturbating to this day. But once “the big one” is behind, if you can capitalize on it you will internalize a series of concepts that will allow you to control any relapse, and, while still not a positive event, you will be able to treat them as mere speedbumps and one-two weeks mini-NF streaks will be enough to set you straight. Remember that masturbation is natural and not particularly harmful if not abused, the real enemies are porn and instant gratification.
This will be a long post as I want to tell my story in full. I will make sure to include a tl;dr as well as my advice to succeed in this journey.
Results of the NF
First of all, the achievements that I can attribute to the NF (with how long did it take since the beginning of my NF):
A) Escaped the friendzone (less than a month into NF for sparkling her interest, two months for the first (and only) kiss – shame she was moving to another country. This all came after 1 and half year of orbiting around her and basically being her gay friend. I was not deeply in love with this girl but she did have a lot of influence over me and I dreamt about her a lot. A night with her around was the main event that sparkled the NF – read the story for more info).
B) A good number of dates and hook-ups, mostly off dating apps (in the months directly after the NF, in fact I ended the NF because I was afraid that I would encounter performance issues by trying to sleep with a girl directly after 3+ months of nothing, so a few days before the key date I decided to end the NF after 93 days. See the story for the unusual way I did it).
C) A girlfriend (about 6 months after the end of the NF and after sleeping around per point B – we are still together to this day).
D) Huge boost in self-confidence and social skills (first time I noticed was about a month into the NF, although it was a lot of fake-til-you-make-it type of thing and mostly prompted by my study of another sub-reddit).
E) Stopped allowing emotions to run my body and my mind, became more mature (this thanks to growing up as well but the difference pre-post NF was insane).
F) Started working out in a serious and consistent way (to be fair I started about a month before the NF but without much push. During the NF I established a routine and actually started seeing some progress).
G) Huge improvement in my performance at work, which ultimately led to a promotion at the end of the year and to a career jump less than an year later which gave me my first six-figures job (I was already a good employee but I was definitely too immature to make something of the career possibilities I was being given. All the above allowed me to focus and steer my life in the right direction, ultimately resulting in a series of successes).
I know it sounds like a lot and you are very free to think I’m bullshitting you – and since it’s my desire to stay as anonymous as I can I will never try to prove what I say – but consider that I am not getting money nor status from this – what I want is only to motivate someone to take steps in the direction of the thing I consider the singularity of my adult life. I recognize I was also lucky and lots of things happened at the right time to allow me to capitalize the best I could on the NF, but the foundation was and will always be that the NF allowed me to see and take the opportunities I was given rather than looking the other way (likely at a porn site).
TL;DR
was pissing 10+ hr/week to porn, not recognizing the problem because wasn’t interfering too much with my life
hit the rock bottom and felt like the most pathetic being in the world after realizing I was in a hopeless friendzone
something had to change, started NF and to study how to interact with actual women
started to take action, taking steps way out of the comfort zone and had lots of fun doing it
started to build confidence, stopped overthinking, stopped feeling like shit all the time because of porn/fap
started to understand how to actually interact with girls, thanks to the newfound confidence coming from NF
said girl does a 180 and we end up kissing less than two months into my NF
NF ends and I am reborn , I feel the need for sexual intimacy again , I go on a tinder-spree and still can’t believe few months before I didn’t even care about women and I couldn’t have had an erection anyway (PIED is a bitch and it’s real)
relapses on porn few times for couple of days, realized that it takes much less to be back on track once you internalize all the changes that come with the NF
the NF was the catalyst to killing it at work too, promotion, job change, six figures, all because my mind was not foggy anymore
you don’t have to give up masturbation for good – porn is the real enemy here
Background – who I was
Late 20s guy, corporate job, by all definitions an introvert (not shy and always had friends but always had lots of issues with opening to new people etc so it would take so long to make friends anywhere I would go), moved to a new country about 1 and half years prior where I knew a girl (this was random, I did not move for her). I didn’t have any friends in this country except for said girl (let’s call her A) so I started orbiting around her, she was the typical girl that would show a strong personality but deep down like strong guys. She was by no means a bitch or anything, she was always a good friend (and still is even though we don’t meet a lot). I assumed that by being around her and being a nice guy and letting her take the initiative maybe something could happen – boy I was wrong and now I think back to that period and cringe. I was not in love or anything, can barely call it a crush, but fact is she had a big influence on me and I would feel miserable whenever I sensed our time together was upsetting her. I’m sure this hits close to home for lots of you guys.
I never had too many issues with girls, in the sense that one way or another there was always a girl seeing something in me – just not the girls I cared about. But I’m wandering off already, let’s keep it to what’s relevant. I wasn’t a porn addict by its definition – I never renounced to a social event to stay home and watch porn, and I would have 2 / 3 masturbation sessions per week which is a pretty normal number. The only problem is that every session would consist of 2 to 5 hours of me jumping from porn to porn, reddit, 4chan, Pornhub etc. I would edge multiple times and would need to watch progressively more twisted stuff to get off. I did not realize this was a problem since it was not interfering so much with my life – I would do it when I had a night without plans, mostly on the weekends where I would stay up until late night to do it. But the truth is I was feeling miserable for days after doing it (and as soon as my brain started to unfog it was time for another round), just I was someway unable to connect the general feeling that my life was stuck in a swamp with my masturbation habit.
For the rest my life was nothing special, not crappy enough to seriously feel the need for a change but definitely not going anywhere. I would spend lots of time with my (female) flatmates, getting the illusion of a social life and enough interactions with girls to convince myself I was doing ok, spend time with A, and go to social meetings organized around language exchanges (1 and half year into expat life and I still didn’t have any real friend, nor I spoke the language of my host country) where I would talk about the same things every time and never try to spark a real friendship, just to have the illusion of a social life. Again, life not crappy enough to feel the need to do something about it mostly because of me fooling myself, and my brain was clouded by my masturbation sessions which I was failing to realize were harmful as they occupied time I would have spent on videogames or films otherwise.
The story
The rock bottom
The last time I masturbated in my “old life” was Saturday, April 8th 2017, but to understand what sparkled it we need to take a look at the night before. I was invited to an house party of an acquaintance of mine who was friends with A. I didn’t really want to go, but A was going and she perfectly knew otherwise I would have stayed home alone on a Friday, so I bit the bullet and off I went. The party was packed with girls, many of which were very available to meet new guys (especially foreigners). Some of them gave me obvious interest indicators, especially as the alcohol moved from the bottles to their (our) bellies. But no, I wasn’t that type of guy. I didn’t feel the need to sleep with a woman, I would not take the initiative – ever, and I knew I could not get hard anyway because deep down in my brain I was aware that erection was reserved for porn. Mind – I am not a model but I can’t complain about my looks and I guess I have a generally likeable personality, what I was missing was the motivation. Girls very quickly started to ignore me in favour of guys who would actually go after them, including much shorter, fatter and balder guys. This would happen all the time, and I could not wrap my head around why they would shun me for obviously much less attractive types. But I didn’t care, A was there and I was glued to her ass. She was the only person I knew there. The only other person I spent time talking to was another guy who was as awkward as I was. I could see A getting more and more bored of being there, then she started talking to some guy. I quickly joined the talk, obviously upsetting both of them. She wasn’t interested in him at all, but I guess she just wanted to enjoy some time without me around. I hanged around for a while longer before excusing myself. I went home and yes, had one of my hours-long masturbation sessions, going to bed somewhen around 5 am. The next day I felt like crap of course, but still I managed to masturbate again – this time no porn and stuff (I was on the toilet – so random I remember it) but thinking about A. As soon as I was done it hit me. How. Fucking. Pathetic. I. Was. Pathetic – this was the best definition for my life and my masturbation habit in particular. It was my breaking point, I couldn’t fool myself anymore. That was no way of living. I decided that was it. Something had to change. I didn’t know about NoFap at that point, and I wasn’t planning on going three months without nor anything, because I was still convinced my problem was lack of social skills rather than pissing away hours in front of porn and getting all the dopamine I needed from there. I wasn’t too pissed about masturbating – remember the numbers weren’t so alarming – I was angry because 12 hours before I was surrounded by drunk 20-something girls that wanted nothing more than getting acquainted with the cute expat, but somehow I had managed to orbit around A, likely ruining her night too, and then come home saying I was tired but still spent hours looking at porn. It was the rock bottom for me, I felt like I could never be a man if I kept on behaving like that.
A new hope
Already a million times and million times over I had said to myself that “this is it”, that “I am done with this shit”, and every single time I went on one, two weeks max and then I was back to square one. But this time it was different. I knew that was no way to live for a man, or any human being for what matters but the truth is that men have to take control of their life much more than women do. So the planning started. No more being a loner, no more fapping to sleep and self loathing, no more waiting for things to happen to me. No. More. Excuses. That was my life, and mine only. Whatever happened in my life was my responsibility. I get robbed because I walk down the wrong alley? Too bad, I should have known better and taken a taxi. Girls spend the night with guys 20cm shorter and 20kg fatter than me? Well very fucking surprising that they prefer someone who takes the initiative (ie take the responsibility off their shoulders). You can’t get hard for a real woman? No shit, maybe the 4 hours long porn sessions do play a role here. And no, you’re not training yourself to last longer, stop bullshitting yourself.
I knew this time was different. After less than a week I started to take steps to improve my social life. There was a girl at work with whom I would have coffees with etc, all in a friendly way – no interest in romantic relationship from either of us – but it was obvious we were on the same wavelength. Had I ever tried to organize something out of the office? No, I assumed I would be too pushy, and that if she wanted she would organize it. She was the extraverted one after all. No fucking way, this time it’s on me so I throw the idea on the table – sushi this week? Yes, of course. Again, no one’s trying to sleep with anybody here – and today she is one of my best friends (and we both supported each other in starting our current relationships). It wasn’t so hard, wasn’t it. It’s so easy when your brain in not clouded by that shit.
I fly home for a week to spend Easter with my family, and typically these are times at risk of fapping given I’m in vacation-mood and see friends at night while doing very little during the day. But not this time. I hit up an old (female) friend, let’s call her B. I had a major crush on her back in high-school, we even were together for like two weeks before I ruined everything with my aforementioned passive/needy attitude. She is to this day one of the very few girls I consider would have made a good soulmate, but life happens and shit. So, we go out after years of not seeing each other and drink beers, and get tipsy and we have fun. Again, nothing happens, no kisses nor anything. For the first time I can be around a woman without, somewhere in the depth of my brain, hoping that something could happen so I must be on the lookout, overthink every single shit to not upset her. I am free. Current 2019 status is that we talk here and there and meet once/twice per year when we are both in our home city (we both live abroad). Another friendship fished out of nowhere ONLY because I stopped fooling myself? Is this what self confidence feels like? And all I had to do was stop being a jerking off loser? WOW. Note, at this point I have been masturbation free for exactly one week. Not so much is it. The point is to set your mind on it and start taking steps to improve your life immediately. I sail through my vacation with this spirit, calling every old friend I can think of. Feels fucking good.
Escaping the friendzone
The real test, though, is A. After all so far I have managed to be my new self around a colleague that almost didn’t know me and old friends that see me 4 times per year (or hadn’t seen me in years in B’s case). I’ve been my cringey self around A for more than a year now. Well you know what, I have run out of fucks to give. I am not a jerking off loser anymore. The occasion comes with the weekend, I write her to do something and turns out that a friend of hers has given her contact to a couple she knows that is moving into the city, and now they want to meet. Cool, I can come. For the first time I am genuinely interested in these new people rather than showering A with attention. She’s just part of the group. After eating we go for some drinks, then A needs to go home. Normally I would have gone with her, but it’s still like 8pm on a Saturday. So fuck it, I stay with the new guys in town, show them around, end up drinking more in another bar. We are having fun, and A writes me out of the blue to ask if I’m still with them. Yes. She wants to re-join. Sure thing, we are in place XXX. She comes and I can sense something changed. She sits next to me, touches me, wants my attention. Not this time, I know you, these guys are new and fun. She organizes a barbecue in her apartment for the next day. I bring my colleague mentioned above – somehow A doesn’t like her. Wonder why. From there on, it was an escalation. I wasn’t always on top of my game like that night of course, especially when many people in the group were locals (like she was) and not expats, hence speaking their own language. But the wind had changed, and she started to increasingly ask to spend time with me, seeking my advice and actually listening to me and so on, and on the other hand I’m starting to build a decent friends group out of my colleagues so not always have time for her. I convince A to take a job offer abroad, it’s the best for her after all. As her time in the city starts to have an expiration date, our time together gets more intense, and now we are both clearly enjoying it. I still feel too insecure to push for something more, she is leaving soon but my erections are still untested and a performance issue with her would destroy me. Anyhow, it all ends in a kiss on the rooftop of my house. And what is that… an erection. Holy shit, it’s alive. Anyway, this is not a movie and we don’t have passionate sex right there she does not miss her flight and we don’t go on and live happily ever after. She goes back to her hometown for a while to stay with her family, when she comes back I attend her goodbye party where I know very few people and I’m the only foreigner – not the ideal situation so I fail to make an impact and leave when they suggest going to a club, despite a clearly drunk A confronting me about it. We will meet one last time over breakfast to say goodbye. To this day, we have met other two times, we talk every once in a while. But that’s not the point. The point is that what seemed impossible just few weeks earlier (we are about 1 and half months into NF now) happened, and all because I made a little effort to understand how other people work. And where did I get the motivation and focus for that? By cutting those 12+ weekly hours of porn. Fucking A.
Completing the NF and the golden age of Tinder
But I’m still lacking under many points of view. I have a good friends group now, which is awesome, but I lack sexual potential. I am not the type of guy who walks up to a random girl and approaches her. I’ve never been and I am not to this day. But maybe I could work around it by meeting girls I can assume are interested. How? Hello Tinder my old friend.
I take a look at the bio I had in few years prior, so freaking cringey. I drop in some teasing and banter, if they don’t like it it’s their effing problem. Matches start to pour in. I write to almost every single girl. Most of them of course end up in nothing, but following the rule “fix a date within 10 messages” I avoid to waste time over cringey conversations that end up in excuses not to hang out. The first date I have is on June 1st, approaching the end of the second month of the NF. By this point I have found out about this subreddit and decided that I want to go on and finish the traditional three-months challenge. I would interrupt it for sex, no doubt, but at this point I’m dating only for self confidence and practice, if something happens we will think about it. No overthinking, remember? The last date I’ve had was back in January, and I was so awkward. I am so totally different right now. Anyway I have two dates with this girl, applying all the principles I’ve been studying (most are PUA crap, but hey some of them work and work good if paired with self-confidence) and I can see she likes me. Problem is I don’t like her, she’s insecure and a try-hard. Maybe I dislike her because I see a reflection of what I was just 10 weeks earlier. Anyway, there is no third date. I keep it up during the whole month of June, mostly out with friends and random dates. A promising one comes in towards the end of the month. She’s the classic girl that would have eaten the old me alive. Disagreeing with everything, testing my shit constantly. Well I have very bad (good) news, I am armed and dangerous this time. First date is all banter and teasing, and by the end of it she makes very clear she wants a second. Why not, I will check when I have time for you. I organize a pic-nic for the first weekend of July, now we are one week short of completing the 3 months NF. Pic-nic is a masterpiece (I mean, glass wine glasses and shit), and we kiss at the end of it. It would be so poetic to see her again the following Saturday, 8th July – 90th day of my NF in order to start my new life with some sexy time, but I am in my home country for the weekend. On the Saturday I go to a majestic open-bar party, and again I’m mostly focused on joking around with my childhood friends but hey why not practising some women skills. Nothing happens but I do get another self-confidence boost.
Back to work, I fix the next date with tinderella for the upcoming Friday, and I know that is it. I broke off my last LTR in 2014, and since then I had sex twice, once in 2015 and once in 2016 (with the same girl coincidentally, one of the ones that actively came after me). What a loser. Things are about to fucking change around here.
This raised the problem though, that coming after 3 months of zero activity I was all but sure that the old Joe would work properly, so I take the dramatic decision of “cleaning the pipes” couple of days before the date in order to wake up the professor (somewhere I read that it takes a bit to restart the engine after a long time of inactivity), and I also don’t want to risk lasting half a minute due to over-repressed sexual tension. I don’t want to fap in a classic way though, I am too scared about loss of sensitivity and so on, I know a one time thing won’t be a problem but I take no chances – a defiance would kill all the confidence I’ve been building up for months. So I do it in the weird way. I google how to build a vagina-like tool, and I settle on the one that needs a latex glove, two kitchen sponges and half a plastic bottle, plus some soap for lubrification. Laugh about it, I would if I were you reading this. I feel like a total idiot but the decision is taken. 93 days after my pathetic rock bottom sitting on the toilet, I’m pleasuring myself with a plastic fucking bottle. I thought it would be some incredible thing but the first orgasm is something I can barely feel. Hope I didn’t do something I will regret. The next day I wake up with a raging erection. For the first time my first thought doesn’t go to porn but to the women out there. It’s over. It’s done. At the gym I can barely look at the girls working out. At work I am the most cheerful and focused professional ever. I even take charge of a new project and start working on some improvements to the current workflow and shit. Friday comes. Tinderella will tell me that she thought we were just going for a cup of wine and nothing else but hey, one of the rules is that you look at what people do instead of trusting what they say. We go wine. We go drink a bit more. She makes out aggressively with me. It’s happening. I drop the “hey I live close to here, I casually have a bottle of wine and an amazing rooftop”. She goes home about 12 hours later, in the early morning. I am reborn.
Tinder (I will add Bumble) becomes a drug. I get as far as having 5 dates in a week all with different girls.
The relapse(s) and getting over them (plus, it’s girlfriend time)
Around the beginning of August I have a work-from-home day where I have literally nothing to do. So bored. No dates set up that week. Want immediate satisfaction. Yes, why not? I am healed right now, one time porn, for old times sake. It won’t hurt, right? Wrong. For five days I go on a masturbation spree. Fucking shit I can’t stop. Another rock bottom, and I feel shittier than ever. Was it all for nothing? Have I just pissed away the last 5 months? Answer would turn out to be no. After a week of NF I am back in business under all points of view. After “the big one” is gone, and you have changed, a mini relapse won’t hurt so much, but you have to feel like you disappointed yourself. Your standards for yourself must be the highest.
I slow down with the dating as the days turn dark and cold, in December I date only once and it’s a girl I genuinely like (not from Tinder). Date is a fail, apparently all my newfound confidence works only on girls I don’t care about. No good. I decide to analyse the problem during one of my free thinking sessions. Forgot to mention that at some point during summer I picked up meditation (although not a very regular meditator), which I would schedule every day Monday to Saturday, but on Sunday I would have a “free thinking” session, that is sitting on the sofa in the dark with half a glass of whiskey listening to Massive Attack and literally leaving my brain wander (the exact opposite of meditation if you wish). Anyway, I decide that my routine is too focused on Tinder type of hit-and-run dates where you have to go from strangers to bed within three dates, and it’s not suited for people you know already but want to take steps on. I take some time off the dating scene (Christmas holidays in the middle) to rethink it. I have another 10-days relapse, which culminates the night of the 1st January. I am tired from partying the night before but I literally can’t sleep and can only think about porn. What the fuck is wrong with me. I end up waking up in the middle of the night and going to masturbate in the bathroom (I was back home here). Another rock bottom, another feeling like shit day, and the sensation I started the year in the wrong way. Other 20 days of NF during which I start to go out with another girl that I met in real life. This time everything goes smooth, and at the time of writing this we are still together.
Even while having a gf and being pretty active in the bedroom, about two months into the relationship I happen to be alone for a weekend, and I’m again like “once won’t hurt”. Wrong. Other week long spree, which culminates in me not getting hard after she pulled out the sexy lingerie. Feels fucking bad man. No more. Other rock bottom. Other 10 days of abstinence, cover-up for her is that I was sick (which I actually was), and things go back to normal. I decide that I can masturbate but porn is off limits. If I really can’t help it then fine, but I do it just to release the sexual energy, so no porn, no videos, pictures, anything. Best would be not even fantasy. Only fantasy allowed is thinking about the last time I had sex with her, full stop. It works. It freaking works. If I can’t help it, this is the way to go now. I will have little porn-relapse periods, going from 1 day to 1 week, to which erectile disfunction will follow. It’s like freaking maths and every time I manage to convince myself that once won’t hurt. It’s never once. If you feel the need to bust it off, do it without porn. If you can’t get hard it means your body wants porn, not sexual relief. Fuck it.
The other benefits, or how giving up porn makes me six-figures
I focused on the sexual sphere so far, which I believe is the most at risk when a fap/porn addiction is at work, but the new found confidence helped me insanely at work too. I became the best performer of my team, got a promotion at the end of 2017 and the offer of a lifetime at the end of the following summer, and I now make more money than I would have ever imagined, with huge growth opportunities all around me. All because I fucking stopped watching porn. I am convinced that the same results could come with a mini no-fap of two weeks and then start with masturbating once / twice without porn, but the brain rewiring works so much better if you free that part of the “processor”.
The guidelines
Do not edge. If you start to jerk off, finish it. It counts as a relapse anyway and edging fucks with your brain and penis functionality. You are better off finishing the masturbation and starting over, no matter what you tell yourself (ie “if I don’t cum it doesn’t count”).
Before you start your NF, masturbate one last time. This has to be without porn, eyes open, not thinking of anything.
Exercise / work out. This reroute your energy towards something positive. I noticed that the periods more prone to relapsing are the periods where I don’t go to the gym for some reason (laziness, sickness, being out of town etc).
NF is the engine of the revolution, but the brain is the driver. You have to take steps out of your comfort zone. For me it was stopping to assume people would come to me and starting to take the iniative.
Women love confidence and borderline jerks. It works. Use the confidence you get from knowing you are not a jerking off loser anymore, date around without giving a fuck what happens, and you won’t have to fap again in your life.
Masturbation itself is not the enemy. Porn is the enemy. If you have to do it, do it per point B. This is important. Once “the big one” is over and your brain is re-routed, one week of abstinence will likely be enough to get you to the max benefits of no fapping, but the masturbations must not involve porn in any form. Full stop. The only naked women you’re allowed to see are real ones. If you can’t help but fantasizing, think about a past sexual encounter. Or about someone you know. Something real. Doesn’t matter if it’s your colleague, sister of your friend, or your wife. No fantasizing about porn scenes you’ve seen. Keep it real.
Porn is an addiction like any other drug. It won’t kill you physically, but it’s much more sneaky than other types of addiction. You can have it for years and nobody will notice. It kills you socially and people will assume that’s just how you are. You are not that man, you are better than that. It works on the inside. You know you’re doing something wrong an unnatural, so you expect things to go bad. Fuck porn. FUCK. PORN.
Build your own vagina if you have to. Okay this sounds stupid, but the grip of death is real and will kill your sensitivity. If you can’t have access to a real one, a fake one is better than your hand. Google how to DIY. I personally don’t use it but I have a gf so masturbations are rare.
Conclusion
I hope someone will find motivation in knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that that light can be very fucking bright. I am available in the comments or DM if you want to talk about something or just tell me that I’m an asshole for my story here above.
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