I want to show you that every single man and woman can change their life around if they want to.
Here is my Story.
I had a really, really shitty youth. You can probably imagine getting bullied heavily in school. But can you imagine getting bullied more or less every day, up to the point where 4 other students grab your arms and legs and put you into a trashbin?
Probably not. Nobody can truly understand how it feels to go through something like that if you never experienced really heavy bullying yourself.
That fueled a social anxiety that was unrivalled. Of course i had no relationships with girls at all.
There was more then one occasion where i seriously considered suicide.
I just wanted to go home and play videogames, at least they made my life bearable at the time, ironically making everything worse then better. But as a teenager, you have no idea what videogames and porn will do to you in the long run and frankly, i didn’t care. I just wanted to stop the mental and often physical pain i had experienced in school. And of course, Porn came into my life this way as well.
And due to porn, i exhibited extremely horrible body issues, with me being “only” around 5’7″(169cm) and having a below-then-average sized dick, especially in girth.
Now, combine my already non-existent self esteem with looking at porn, where every single fucking hot woman got orgasms and seemed to really enjoy herself, being fucked by a guy that represented everything i wasn’t.
Because of that, I thought i wasn’t supposed to sleep with women at all. Nature just put me here to work, and never to either have sex or produce any children. I wanted to kill myself, because i was thinking that i wasn’t worthy while still having the urge to sleep with a beautiful woman, which is detrimental for the mind.
And then, being fully out of options, having never had any attraction towards girls or managed to get a kiss, and at the age of 25, i just couldn’t take it anymore.
I wanted to know what it feels like to have sex, so i did the one thing i swore to myself i didn’t want to do. I went to a beautiful girl, and payed her for making my first time as amazing as she can. For some awkward reason, she actually did. I know i paid. But there was no second involved where she made me feel bad about it. I got the “Girlfriend Experience” with a lot of eye contact and kisses. And let me make one thing clear.
I NEVER wished for this to happen. Having to pay to experience my first time. And that is probably the only thing i would love to scratch from my Life. But i can’t, and it will always be a part of me. And whatever lead up to this, my first time was still nice. For all the wrong reasons anyone can list on this planet, but nothing said here will change how i felt when it happened. I did not feel bad for one second, knowing that my first time was with someone who took her time, made me feel comfortable and was never pushy. I am also fully aware that i just got lucky. The chances of finding a girl like that who, despite the situation still made me feel good about myself is a miracle in itself. I am grateful to this day that it happened like this. It could have easily been the worst first time anyone could possibly imagine.
Of course, it didn’t change one bit of how i was feeling about myself, my life or women. No sex in the world will magically give you any kind of boost in confidence if it wasn’t earned. And my first time was not earned. It was paid for.
A few years later, I made a vow to myself to never pay for sex, ever in my life again.
And to this day, i do not count this as my real first time. If people ask me, i am happily telling them that i was a virgin until 31.
Because technically, i only count losing my virginity with someone who actually really wants to sleep with me.
I technically more or less lost my virginity twice in my Life.
While the first girl got my body, the second got my body, heart and soul. (More on that later : )
You have to decide how you want to look at this yourself.
And i knew, if i wanted to overcome my issues with women, i needed a more drastic change.
And i needed a strong push. And when my brother decided to go to Australia for a year, i said to myself… “AH FK IT! I AM QUITTING MY JOB AND I AM GOING AS WELL”
Keep in mind that i was 29 years old at the time and still living with my parents, spending the days with playing videogames on the PC after work and watching porn more or less every day, and trust me, i have seen probably seen almost everything that is out there.
But going to Australia to do work and travel was the best decision in my life to date.
In Australia i learned to take care of myself, nobody was able to dictate what i had or didn’t have to do and i was fully responsible for my life, for the first time ever.
Next to working, I went Skydiving and bungee-jumping against my fear or heights(My fear of heights is MUUUUUCH better now. Its not gone but compared to before, Ye-Haaaaaa!)
I dived with Great White Sharks in a cage(Best moment of my Life to this day!!!)
Went in a Cage and met a Saltwater Crocodile in a pool directly in front of me
Saw Crocodiles in a river in the Wild
Tackled my fear of Dogs and actively surrounded myself with them as much as i could.
(My fear of Dogs is almost 100% gone now)
Did a 4-week-Acting-Class (always wanted to do that)
And the most important part of all in regards to my personal development…
I had three relationships with girls, dated them and eventually seduced one of them,
had my first Kiss with a girl i seduced by myself, and asked her if i could come to Bali with her. When she said yes in the end, i knew i will sleep with her later as well.
I was watching porn while i was in Australia on and off, but WAAAAAY less. And i stopped watching porn the second i knew that i was able to go to Bali with that girl.
I knew by then what i had to do. I had to take responsibiltiy for that time with her. I couldn’t “just go”. i wanted too make that time of my life to be as beautiful as i could possibly make it, and i would make damn fuking sure that i did every single preperation that you can think of to give us both a good time… Here is my “Battleplan”:
1) No Porn, no masturbation (nobrainer for me, didn’t know about Nofap but already knew how bad porn is for my brain),
2) Looking up every single sexposition i could find on the internet which is dedicated to my smaller sized dick, so we can both have fun with each other,
3) Looking up EVERYTHING i could find on how to make a woman happy and relaxed, both mentally and physically.
4) I fully dropped my confidence issues. For all she knows, i had a too much of it.
I never mentioned my dick and just saw it as a part of me.
The best part was, i finally got the confirmation that dominance towards a woman is in no way related to a man’s height or dick-size.
Due to porn i thought all my life i wasn’t supposed to be dominant or assertive, even though my whole body knew that deep within me, that is who i am.
And low and behold… i am. 1 faking Girl was enough to confirm this.
The time we spend was magical and every aspect of it made me grow exponentially.
It really was the female-relationship equivalent to a Bungee-Jump.
1 Experience that changed everything in my life in that area
Suddenly, my brain flipped the switch.
I am able to seduce a beautiful Girl.
I am able to say “No!” to a girl and am willing to walk away if i have to.(Most important lesson at all!!!!)
I am not just able to have amazing, fulfilling sex that is just beautiful, but also create that on my own. Fkn amazing feeling.
I am confident in my ability to be with any girl i am interested in.
I learned to love and cherish having a connection with a girl before sleeping with her.
It’s probably not needed to have sex, but it improves the quality of the sex exponentionally.
I still suffered from a light form of PIED while i was with her. I couldnt get hard whenever i wanted and also couldn’t stay hard all the time.
But considering how much porn i watched before, and that my sexuality was “build” from porn it went so amazingly well, it didnt really matter.
I already knew how to work around it and made sure she was feeling good every day, whether we had sex or not.
Of course, i was an extreme case of social awkwardness, wrong believes, terrible body-image, wrong thoughts about sex, shyness and having literally 0 confidence in myself towards woman.
But everyone can change. It’s just important that you learn to live.
You can’t just go Nofap and expect your life to be beautiful after 90 days if you have other issues going on as well.
You need to tackle fucking everything.
BAN PORN FOREVER!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!
Ban social media like twitter, facebook and instagram.
Face ALL of your fears.
Work on your career.
Work on yourself.
Become an amazing lover.
Become a great and reliable Friend.
Be genuinly interested in people.
Kick out people that aren’t helping you grow and aren’t making you feel good about yourself.
Start reading every day.
Take cold showers.
try to learn something new whenever you have time.
Start to (learn to) dance
I knew what i had to do with my problems.
And i know that i am still flawed and have areas that i need to work on.
There is still a LONG road i have to walk until i get where i want to be.
But compared to what kind of person i was before…
My old self is crying with tears of happiness after seeing what i managed to accomplish.
NEVER GIVE UP!
FIGHT FOR YOUR HAPPINIESS!
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE!
LIFE GIVES YOU WHAT YOU DESERVE AND WORK FOR! Not what you THINK you deserve…
My Story can be yours as well.
But you have to want it.
INGITE YOUR FLAME FOR THE LIFE YOU WANT.
And you have to put in the work.
So, put in the faking work.
EDIT: After around half a year, i had my first encounter with a woman i really enjoy being with and who really only likes vanilla-sex.
And i was able to sleep with her the first time she came home with me.
We took our time, never made it a priority and in the end, i was able to sleep with her. And the second time she came over i was able to go more than once while she was there.
Sneaky Edit 2: She isn’t vanilla anymore. Sex is like dancing. If you work together well, she will feed off your confidence and relax and open up more.
Complaining leads to less and worse Sex.
Empowering always leads to more and gradually better Sex.
Be patient and be rewarded : )
I never thought this would be possible, and i am attributing EVERYTHING in this regard to quitting porn entirely and my ability to rewire my brain to regular women.
And for everyone on this Journey, all i can say it that it is definitely worth it.
Of course i have had severe depression in the meantime. I was down and felt that Life has no meaning. We all go through this. But i was armed with knowledge.
I knew that the flatlines will come.
I knew that i will sink into a depression because of it.
I knew i will have urges.
I knew I will still get flashbacks from porn, even after all this time.
But i knew that my will to be able to be with a regular women is stronger than all of the above.
Guys. The bad times will come to an end.
But you gotta push through them to get the reward.
And the reward is a beautiful sexuality that can be shared with someone else. But it switches from a necessity to a bonus. I am at a point where i see women literally as just a bonus in my Life. I have no right to be with them and also no obligations towards them either.
I let it flow like the water when it comes to them.
The only thing that is my responsibility is to pick one where I am pretty sure that i am going to have a good time with. Choosing responsibly is the first priority in my Life. With the right Person, there is no bad Sex, because its about the intimacy you share.
You can all do it. I did it. Which i never thought i would. But since i made it this far, so can you.
Beat this fucking shitty addiction that screws over your Life.
DON’T DO IT FOR ANY WOMAN! YOU MUST DO IT FOR YOURSELF!