Age 20 – Through escalation, I scraped at the bottom of the barrel. Now I am simply free, there is no struggle.

Greetings fellow experiencers of this journey, this is most likely my last visit to this forum, but I am here to inspire someone in my farewell, someone will relate to what I’ve been through and the way I think and feel that my way of escape is the same.

It is only about 60 or 70 days so far, but I can confidently state I am no longer a slave to masturbation or pornography. I am simply free, I do not fight any urges, there is no struggle, there are no more hard times related to the sensory experience of sexual arousal in any way. I’ll explain how I got here in due time but first the setup of the tale. Back to high school days

Total burnout

Depression, chronic fatigue, burnout, whatever you wish to call it, I experienced it, as early as 13, though the “sinking into it” began earlier. A sensitive child among in my experience, buffoons. Youthful arrogance is how I look at it now, but there’s no way not to be an arrogant 12-year-old when you get told you’re above intelligence (how else would you handle that but as an inflation of the ego at that age?)

Either way, I didn’t go to school very much at all, I passed, barely, without doing much, god knows how. When I was 14 I entered a new, quieter high school, that was better for a while, but then I had a broken heart and was confronted with more existential angst, as is appropriate for the age, I suppose. I discovered masturbation, and though I was mentally in a better state the following years, looking back, I was mostly just numbing myself and coping through PMO and cannabis, but at the very least hanging in there.

Through escalation, I scraped at the bottom of the barrel. 16 y/o’s seemed appropriate at first and still seems natural for a 14/15-year-old to enjoy. They slowly became younger, and I became more addicted until I was no stranger to the dark web and all its shadow-y affairs.

Dreams and awakening

March 2017 I started having increasingly vivid and strange dreams, even lucid ones as I started training it.
One night I saw a vision of an older man, bearded, blonde, with bright blue eyes. His eyes pierced my souls and as my vision went dark I felt extremely pleasant sensations and vibrations running over my back, and a sustained high pitch noise. I woke up and analyzed, strange I thought.

I fall asleep again and this time I see tree branches as if I’m lying under a tree and looking up at the night sky. More sensations. Even stranger I thought, will it happen more?
I went back to bed, but now I had visions of scrolling through chans and shady forums, it went dark and I felt only dysphoria, pure suffering. The sound this time was like the moan of a zombie, mixed through a digital distortion.

It was at that point I knew I had to stop, I knew about nofap through Reddit (my favorite porn site!) and thought they were silly. No longer now.


We all know it. Going a few days, patting yourself on the back, relapsing, another few days, you keep going. you relapse, you fall. you keep going. streaks get longer and longer. after half a year of trying you get to 2 or 3 weeks even! Wow.
I got a girlfriend, somewhat. More like an indulgence. Drugs and sex. Fun, passionate, but destructive. Learned a lot about love and lust. Decided to focus on me after 2 months of extreme highs and valley lows. Still struggling.

23 days started becoming more common over this time, I started really noticing the positive effects, started exercising a lot more, doing wim hof stuff, swimming at 3 degrees Celcius, stuff like that. Spend more time on meditation, yoga and the like, less on drugs and PMO. School was still boring but I was fueling myself with other hobbies like music.
Still struggling.

After a while, I found through my interest in yoga and nofap the area of eastern philosophy concerning sexual energy came to my attention. I started practicing but lacked the discipline, and postponed it for later.

In the last few months, I started looking at it differently. I read my journal of the last year back around new years and found I kept saying and promising and doing the same things whenever I relapsed. Very eye-opening to see what kind of loop I was in (I highly recommend journaling as a practice for self-improvement, I would say it’s the base). When we relapse we get angry, we feel shame, misery, we make it very hard on ourselves to feel good. I started noticing this and letting it go whenever I relapsed. It happened, it’s now done, move on, do whatever is productive right after. No sulking, no creating more misery by shaming yourself. And started finding myself relapsing a lot less often, and binges disappeared altogether.

I had enough though and decided I am at least in control of the emotions I experience when something happens that I felt was outside of my control.

And just like that, I created the gentle, loving space that is needed for growth. I turned off all my blockers too. I could barely go on any site anymore because of my obsession with blocking and circumventing blocks (it’s easy as hell to find naked women, cmon) Triggers be damned. You can’t force anything out of your life, you can’t resist the things you do or that happens to you, you can only accept, let go, and let life unfold on its own. By being patient and caring for yourself you’ll find yourself on your own team all of the sudden.

Then I came across a hack book(link below). There’s a book by Alan Carr, for quitting cigarettes, it’s really just a mindfuck, it totally flips your perspective on your “addiction”. Makes you realize you’re not sacrificing anything by giving up, you’re not giving up anything, merely an illusion of pleasure or stress-relieve. The book even instructs to continue to PMO as you read, so I watched some porn here and there even though I didn’t really feel like it, strange huh?

The book takes you through a process. Once I finished it I took a walk. I went outside, relieved, I felt great, convinced of my freedom. I was walking under a tree, I looked up.
I saw what I saw in my dream, those 2 years ago. And I felt what I felt then. Light, joy, freedom, love. I have not masturbated since. I have explored my body, and touched myself in a sensual, nurturing way, occasionally slipping into the erotic, but never beyond a point of arousal I would give a number of about 3/4, 10 being an orgasm. I am the owner of my sexuality, I can enjoy it, it does not enslave me, I don’t have to resist it. There’s no urge or urgency. I give it careful attention when needed. It’s not a desire for orgasm, just a desire for loving attention, that’s all. I prefer to retain semen for several benefits.

It wasn’t only the book that did it, it was just the final piece of the puzzle. It touched on information I already knew, but never in such an ordered and structured way. It was only through a base layer of my own experience and struggle, my journey to start accepting myself more, even the worst parts of me, and meditation, that this book was able to help me. And the really strong feeling that simply, I was really done with porn, really willing to give it up.

If you’re at a point in your journey where you feel similar and are not in a state of utter confusion (which many on the forums are) about what it means to lead a good life free from slavery, only then can I truly recommend this book. If you are. Read now. Open it every once in a while for the next few days, bookmark it, read a chapter. I finished it in 3 days. Start from the very start, don’t skip anything.…/

Lifestyle crafting, relationships and other important things

Along the journey of kicking this bad habit, I picked up a lot of good habits and wisdom, I wish to impart some on you. Things I’ve found and why I think they can help any human being through any path in life.

This one is a no brainer, really. It’s the base of a good life, not the dessert, you know? Don’t wait for this or that live situation to change, once you stop fapping, once you have the time, once you get more focus, once whatever excuse you have dissappears so that you are able to meditate. No.
Live is best lived from a centered, grounded, stable place, with a slight twinge of joy if you are so inclined (I definitely am, very cheerful most of the time, just naturally). Start from a place of being centered and all else will easily find a way to resolve, Everything that causes you stress or anxiety will melt away simply by getting into the habit of focusing your conscious awareness on the present moment, and the things you feel Now.

Thinking about the past, future and hypotheticals is a sick addiction of the mind, one that creates inner confusion and anxiety in all men.
Only once you quiet the voice in your head, and cease to identify with it, can you start moving from a place of peace, love, harmony and groundedness. That does not mean being weak, or a pushover, or a hippy. It just means Being strongly present, your literal presence will be something people start noticing, once you become more aware of the present moment, of now.
Quieting the mind will also clear up energy for you to act more, and do more, and be more. You can make people feel good just by being near them and listening, you can pull a room full of people into your energy field and make them feel whatever way you choose (I prefer comfortable, safe and light).

There are many forms of meditation that you can actively practice, sitting down watching the breath, any number of meditation video’s exist on YouTube. Yoga is another good one, that has physical health benefits too!

But I would recommend even more so to start being aware of the breath and say, your feet, when you’re taking a walk. Feel the literal touch of your feet on the ground as you walk, and focus only on that. Don’t get caught up in thought.

Do this with anything you can imagine and you will start becoming more conscious, more alert, and you will do everything with a cool, efficient comfort. No stress, strain or urgency.
Read Eckhart Tolle if this interests you. Read eastern philosophy if you wish to learn more about the subtle energies inside and around you, how they effect you and how to work with it.

Finding a creative outlet.

Any kind will do. You don’t have to be good, you just have to want to do it. I mostly make music, and I’m pretty damn good as I’ve had the fortune of having good teachers, an active music scene and passion. But I also draw. Shitily. I have no technique, it’s simple expressionism. Doesn’t have to look or sound like anything. Just do, just create. Don’t get caught up in the idea that you can’t or nobody will like it. That’s irrelevant to the simple enjoyment and satisfaction you get out of creating whilst you’re creating.

Duh. Be strong dude. I don’t like the gym personally. I don’t lift weights. I just do a good amount of calisthenics, yoga, cycling and running, suits my body better.

Make sleep a priority, next to meditation/being present.
Wake up at the same time every day. Doesn’t matter what time it is. Be cool and go for 5am, mad respect if you do. 8 is fine if that suits you. Do spend time first on waking up the body and quitting the mind. Don’t jump hastily into your day. Make time to wake up. Don’t force it through coffee, that’s the next point.

Experience total sobriety and purity.
Quit the junk food, quit the soda’s and candy, quit the coffee and recreational drugs. You can come back and enjoy it here and there, don’t shame yourself for soft indulgences. But try to find a state of lightness and purity, and let it be the baseline, not the exception.

Some of you may have something to say for psychedelics and I will say fair enough to any argument you have for using them, they are magic things, for sure! But don’t let those enlightning experiences be your only means of experiencing enlightenment. Come down, ground, and integrate and learn to be the light by yourself. You don’t need the boatman that is changa/mushrooms/cannabis etc.

Find a drive man, a mission. Mine is to generate the capital to make a big self-sustaining permaculture based community. To connect the people that need to be together. To show others the light and inspire them. To exchange the suffering of people to joy and freedom, through music, listening and meditation.

Don’t plan or set goals beyond 3 months, anything beyond that is dreams, life unfolds on itself if you let it, don’t worry too much.
if you have nothing, ask yourself what makes you enthusiastic, write it down. Then see how that relates to the current talents, resources, knowledge and interests you have now, and go after anything that even seems mildly connected, don’t pass on any opportunity to find out more and get shown something new, stay open minded.

As far as relationships go I have this to say.

Have ’em. Women are like dessert. Very sweet. You don’t need dessert everytime you go out for dinner. Don’t obsess over getting laid, or finding the woman that can keep up with your sex drive.
Find what it means to truly love yourself first. Meanwhile, look for simple connections. Have friendships with woman that are more so about talking and opening up, and only in minor ways about touch. Holding hands or a good hug, or just having a good flirt here and there. Don’t urge for anything beyond that.

Having sex bonds you to a woman as if it’s a marriage. Now that’s okay but that means you have to be ready to be married. This means your problems are hers, vice versa. It means taking the maximum amount of responsibility. Why? Through the act of sex with a woman both of you are now hormonally charged to have children, even if you use contraceptives. Having children is a big deal

What it comes down to is make sure your relationship is about love not lust. Research and think deeply on what that really means. Make sure it’s out of mutual benefit, not needs.
Make your sexual experiences about intimacy at the very least. Practice Karreza, tantra, sacred sex. Whatever you wish to call it.

Much thanks to this community and all the resources and time and energy people put into this. Help others clear their confusion, don’t create more ignorance around this sensitive topic of sexuality and addiction. Be a shining light on those in the dark and they will follow. Do not throw rocks at those already down. Do not help if you don’t really know how. Don’t mistake your ego’s convictions and assertions as true knowledge.

I welcome any pm’s for the time being, otherwise you can add me on discord, I look there occasionally. I don’t chat though, I prefer writing long letters, in case you had not noticed.

If you read all the way through, respect for your patience and your open mind. Here’s a list of books and philosophies that have really inspired me and I recommend to really anyone with an open mind

The hack book mentioned earlier…/

Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships

The power of now (or anything by Eckhart Tolle)

12 rules to life by jordan peterson

The book of living and dying By sogyal rinpoche

Thank you. Good now!

LINK – DAY 60-something, Freedom Ad Infinitum and an overview of great things that will help set you free

by MusicMakingMonk