Yeah, I’ve definitely strained into the tgirl/shemale territory. I noticed though that in my mind I still identified them as female. I think that what happens is the dopamine reward you get from your regular porn starts to tapper off and not feel as exciting. So as a result, your brain starts to seek more taboo or “harder” types of porn to get the same thrill. Hence the shemale/bi/gay porn.
At the end of the day I would not want to be in a relationship with anyone other than a female which gave me peace of mind over my sexuality. Am I %100 straight? No, I don’t think anyone truly is. But the porn definitely lead to some strange alone times I’ve had.
Past a month my ED started getting better. I didn’t exactly have ED, but it would be kinda like I couldn’t be full mast with my wife, more like 75%, and I’d never ejaculate.
Now, even if I masturbate, sex with my wife is just fantastic, like it should be, and I’m a lot more intimate with her. Because I no longer have troubling thoughts and background anxiety over them.
Two years ago, I used to think that it was impossible to even make it a day without using. The urges were too strong and I lacked self-respect and self-empathy.
I used to opine that the first week was the hardest, yet here I am, breezing through the first week since the last relapse. You really do heal over long streaks (last one was 8 months). The physical cravings are much, much weaker than I remember them, and I am much, much more capable of self-love.
I think it helps that I trained myself over time to see porn use as legitimate self-harm. In a similar vein of drugs providing temporary relief at the cost of long-term health, using porn for me today means I am in such a bad spot that I think that hurting myself is better than seeking real healing.
I have a really good feeling about this next year. I just know it. Things are really different this time, and I have this irresistible thought that I am finally going to be the person I have been dreaming I’d be. That person:
- Loves himself and embraces his sexuality
- Can take care of himself, seeing it as genuinely relaxing and joyful
- Accepts life as it is, all the good and bad, and makes the best of it
- Organizes his life around the people and things he loves
I am feeling overwhelmingly positive. I’m going to make it. We’re going to make it.
LINK – It really does get easier over time
by seatint
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