It brings so much joy to my heart to be able to see people on nofap completely turn their lives around and prove themselves wrong that life can be so much more fulfilling without being completely engulfed in a cycle of PMO and indulging in deviant sexual behaviors. I still remember the days after I used to relapse edging to porn 6 – 8 hours a day, 3 or 5 times a week, just lying there under my blanket and wasting my energy into an empty space.
It completely destroyed my relationships, made me a person who’s always lazy and procrastinating to such an extent that I would cancel my doctor appointments 10 minutes before and wander on the streets endlessly right before a college test or an exam. It was like my brain didn’t want to do anything mentally or emotionally challenging in the real world and I was in a constant state of escaping from it.
Lies, bullshit, deception, negativity: They became my best friends in which I would find comfort. I apologize for being brutally honest, but there were days where I used to miss my bus to college and masturbate to porn in a restaurant sitting by the window, like a creep staring at people all around me, fearing to be caught by somebody and embarrass myself in the process. This was my life back then.
Soon after, I started getting serious about my religion, since I am a Muslim, and wondered if this is what will save me from the pits of despair. Unfortunately, instead of getting exposed to the right people who would’ve developed me as a person and taught me to have an open mindset, I was guilt tripped by people that had been around me all my life, especially my own into thinking that I was disgusting, and the wrath of God would fall upon me if I would continue on like this.
Oh boy! That made relapses a hundred times worse since now I had no support from anybody. I thought about committing suicide numerous times and generally every day, I suffered from brain fog with such sheer intensity, that I would lie in my bed for 8 hours a day and cry all night long. One sentence I would read, and the next minute I would forget completely.
No motivation, extreme hair loss, debilitating brain fog, Depression, anxiety, grief over past failures, being jealous of others, envying others, and planning to live my whole life confined in my bedroom only to come out at the time of dinner or when to go to work. This was me back then. A hopeless case
Slowly afterwards, I started following people within my own religion, certain other denominations separate from the mainstream ones, that I soon realized that being able to reason and filter the many corrupted beliefs that existed in my religion, were being pushed forward because of power struggles and a way to keep filling the pockets of the higher clergymen who control and emotionally manipulate people into being dogmatic about certain things in religion. I didn’t want to go in detail when it comes to religion, but these words are coming straight from my heart as I’m writing this post.
I have left those beliefs (Disrespecting people based on their religion, being controlling of women, being repulsive to anybody who disagrees with you, Having a group-think mentality even if it goes against reason, being dogmatic in your views, thinking that the only way God or a higher power loves you is to follow my religion, Shifting the focus of religion being personal to projecting it on other people in order to emotionally guilt trip them to think they’re wrong).
Now I have exposed myself to the people who are generally making their society better and supporting people through their wisdom, whether they be it from any background and come from any place. The only reason I mentioned these details, is to do with my outlook and how I see the world now. It feels like a sudden weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now I have been gifted this ability to think for my own. I am no longer emotionally dependent on other people and I have dedicated a major portion of my life towards self-improvement.
I am currently on a 33 day streak, and I tell you my beloved friends, that each and every single one of those days I have done Wim hoff deep breathing twice a day, meditation for 15 minutes, 1 mile run and a 100 push-ups as well as intermittent fasting combined with eating one meal a day.
Now I know different things work for different people, but each and every one of us needs to have a healthy routine in our daily lives if we are to complete our journeys and become porn-free.
To all of you who think they are not capable of improving themselves, just remember a farmer and how he takes care of the crops until they ripen and come out of the ground. If he slacks off and leaves them to be, then a whole year of struggle is lost and gone to waste. I know relapses are a common part of this struggle and they are inevitable, but as long as you have the mindset of the farmer and you nurture your life as crop, you will always be motivated to crush your goals and become the best version of yourself.
Just like me, YOU can also become confident and physically fit once again, YOU can also have better relationships once again, YOU can also accomplish and grow your empire once again, YOU can also change this world once again, YOU can also become a gentleman that women desire once again, YOU can also cultivate your sexual energy into becoming a ferocious beast constantly hungry to become a more powerful leader of the pack once again, YOU can also become addiction free once again and most importantly, YOU can also become YOU once again.
No matter what happens, DO NOT GIVE UP! My support and prayers are with YOU!