I am so incredibly done with this sick and twisted addiction rewiring my brain into someone I don’t want to be. My desire for porn has been ramping up again and with that comes the more and more extreme videos. Fixating and obsessing and compulsively watching women being treated horribly, then telling my brain that this is what we need for sexual stimulation is warping me into someone I really don’t want to be. I feel abusive and psychotic and I hate myself. Here’s the incident, from last night, that made me realize porn was really having too much of an influence on my psyche. I hope it’s okay to post this here, not sure where else to turn.
I got into bed with my girlfriend, and shortly after she fell asleep I felt an overwhelming compulsion to initiate sex while she was asleep. This is something she’s actually explicitly said is OK, but the manner I went about it was a major issue last night. I was purely focused on the dopamine hit, the instant gratification of climaxing that porn is able to provide, combined with the fantasies of the extreme videos playing. through my head, I was far too rough and she woke up crying, saying I don’t respect her body and I haven’t made love to her in months. And she’s right. She is fucking right. I’ve been treating the love of my life like I treat porn; sudden compulsive urges, purely aimed for my own satisfaction and escalating into more extreme stuff. It is so wrong and I feel completely disgusted with myself. I didn’t know what to say to her because she’s right. I just somehow didn’t see it myself. The worst part is this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, although it was the most upsetting for everyone involved. We haven’t talked much since, which terrifies me.
I want to cut porn out of my life so much. I want to uncloud my brain from the twisted fantasies that I DON’T HAVE but are given to me by extreme porn. It’s really starting to affect my life now and I dread to think what will happen if it gets worse. While I’m typing this I’m having urges to go and look at something extreme…I just want to escape this shit and hopefully salvage the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Today is day 1.
UPDATE: I have told her, with full honesty (although not the “gory details” of the actual content of pornography as that seemed excessive) about my problem and how it has influenced my actions. She said she is very close to the limit but has told me if I stay true to my word and nothing like that ever happens again that she does not want the relationship to end. This was a major fucking wake-up call. Thank you all for your genuinely insightful and helpful comments, they helped me very much and I think this sub in general will help me very much. Thank you all.
LINK – The influence of porn is causing me to mistreat and objectify my SO
by Fine-Try
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