I’m 100 days into my own recovery/reboot effort, without P, PMO, MO, and with minimal p-subs or edging. I’ve also hit lengthy streaks before as well.
What tips can I offer others to help them be more successful in their journey?
Each of these principles have helped me in my own successful recovery efforts. And these should be thought of in the following context:
Addiction: trigger/cue > urge + repetitious response = stronger habit/addiction.
Freedom: trigger/cue > urge + repetitious non-response, or a different response = habit change.
16 Principles of Recovery
1. Don’t be in perpetual recovery, or become a serial-relapser.
We want to avoid recoveryism as from disease-models of addiction (12-Step types models). See yourself as recovered, or recovering. Have an end-goal in mind, what life will be like without this habit.
Again, if unable to reach a lengthy streak, evaluate if your plan is working, or the level of commitment.
Note: if the 12-Step type of groups or recovery helps you, I’m not knocking it!
2. How do you identify yourself?
Are you an ‘addict’? Are you a porn-user? We may have an addiction, be we are not that addiction. This isn’t like in AA, where once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, even though you’ve not touched a drop in years!
Begin to say, I am a man (or woman) who does not use pornography, masturbate, or lust.
3. The secret of bouncing back immediately after a lapse:
Seeing the cause of a lapse as all from within yourself. Don’t blame it on outside circumstances, triggers, or stress. The sooner you see this, the sooner you’ll bounce back, and the less times you’ll lapse.
4. Avoid white-knuckled struggling by not thinking about it.
Attention often reveals intention. Even if you’re thinking about “your recovery” all the time, you’re still thinking about it. Once you set your intentions (daily), pay it no mind.
5. Use mindfulness in training yourself to dismiss urges.
When urges come, be aware of them as an outside observer, non-judgmentally. Be aware of your pulse, your heart-rate, if breathing is shallow, and when this calms down. Focus on deep breathing, until the urge passes. Repeat the above for any returning urges.
6. Admiration of beauty is not lust, know the difference.
If a woman is beautiful, acknowledge it. It’s okay. Then, don’t dwell on it. Don’t obsess over it. You’re in control now, not a dog trying to sniff other dog’s butts! Determine if your drive to lust in public is anxiety, or from a deeper emotional need.
7. Reframe ‘triggers’ as cues.
The concept of ‘triggers’ is dis-empowering. It gives too much power to outside circumstances, emotional states, or past trauma. Cues are different, as being outside stimuli that simply remind us of our habit. They’re like ringing a bell, and Pavlov’s dog drooling as a result. This is natural, and the urges have no power to make you do anything. You are always in control, not the habit, when we realize this.
8. Know yourself, are your urges simply the habit, or from a deeper emotional/spiritual place?
Sometimes we’re cued toward a habitual response, and we can dismiss it easily enough. Other times, the cue is from a deeper emotional need. Can we assess this about ourselves?
If we determine that the urges are coming from a deeper drive, spiritual or emotional, what can we do? If you’re spiritual, you can pray and/or meditate, or reach out and connect with loved ones.
9. Where possible, use spouse to offset strong urges.
There is no wrong or harm done if when undergoing strong urges, in turning to your wife and working it out with her. Don’t fear ‘chaser effect’, as you’re rewiring toward ‘real-world’ sex.
Deal with ‘chaser-effect’ urges as prescribed above, mindfully.
10. Discover that sweet spot between cues and reactions.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
― Viktor E. Frankl
11. Train toward delayed reward and greater endurance.
Some take cold showers (not me!), others wait before opening an app they have notifications on. Intermitent fasting, too, helps to train ourselves.
This helps to build endurance for when it counts in the moment when urges arise, we can make better choices in dismissing them.
12. How to use goals that work for you.
Setting a lengthy goal is admirable, even desirable, 90 days, 120 days, a year… But the goal can seem insurmountable, or unrealistic to us. Keep the lengthy goal, but break it up into bite-size mini-goals. An example, my goal of 120 days divides up into 15 sets of 8-day goals.
In this vein, know what is a reset for you. Don’t compromise on this, and you’ll have a better uncompromising reboot/recovery.
13. Strengthen and refocus motivation and resolve.
Can you look yourself in the eye? Can you grab yourself by the throat (non-judgmentally)? Can you have a dead-dog determination?
That’s what it’s going to take to break this habit, and this has to be constantly maintained. If you see yourself compromising (P-subs, edging), refocus.
Some write out lists of benefits in quitting, and the consequences of failure.
14. Giving and receiving support.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to others in their journals and offer support. Even if your own efforts aren’t perfect, you never know who may need the encouragement.
If you’re struggling, and others offer support- learn to accept it from the place it’s given. Some have strong personalities, or are having success, and so come off a little sharp. Instead of rejecting their help, maybe their strong words can help motivate you?
But if it’s ugly feeling, like they’re a jerk, you can always block them. Your approach is all your own, your method will be different from others, and we’re all here to support each other.
15. Change what porn means to you.
What is it in porn, masturbation or lust that draws us back, other than the habit? Do we see it as meeting some deeper need or issue? See P, PMO, and MO for what it is, fantasy! All it can offer is a few moments of pleasure, followed by years of regret, a failed marriage, and a limp noodle.
16. See this as simple habit-change, and don’t link it to your emotional states, stress, or past trauma.
You don’t have to first resolve what happened at five years old, or untangle the subconscious. You can find freedom now. We worked ourselves into this habit or addiction by the little decisions, and now we have to walk our way back out.
We do this by changing our habits, and when those are no longer compelling us, we can work on the other issues.
LINK – 16 Principles of Recovery
By Phineas 808
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