Age 21 - Quit after 4 years

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porn recovery is possible

Hey guys it's been a while since i posted something of substance here, so I figured today is a great day to do so. If my memory serves me right, then today is the second time I've gone 90 days without pornography. There have been long stretches here and there but always included a slip somewhere along the way. This time though, I don't think I'll have anything to worry about as I did this 90 days much different from before. I'll explain.

Let's start with last year's reboot:

So I read the info on YBOP and immediately start my journey into this new lifestyle. Naturally I was clumbsy to a fault and I barely made it to 67 days or so before I started masturbating again. Sigh. I can't stress enough that one should never go back to masturbation. It's just pointless. Sooner or later(After more than 100 days) I got back into porn and the loop restarted. 50 days or so would be followed by a relapse followed by another long stretch. So many times I told myself and my girlfriend that I was done this time, only to slip again. I made great progress on the way though:

- I stopped masturbating(Minus the porn slipups.)

- I stopped needing to come to this site.

-I met the greatest girl ever and started dating her sseriously.

- I started to take studies more seriously

- I started to really evaluate my friendships and take back the energy wasted on the bad ones.

- I picked up a new hobby in bass and guitar playing.

And now for this year...

What I've done differently this time around is something that was so obvious, and yet, I could never do it. I completely took out the visual stimuli. I eliminated all women from my computer screen. I can't believe how I never saw my own patterns before, but I honestly feel like I was edging the whole time last year. Basically, if you're quitting something, don't tease yourself at all! So yeah that little detail changed everything for me and I haven't had many urges this time around at all.

So lets' do a list of the improvements this time around:

- Sex with my girlfriend is mindblowing every time. I swear she gets sexier and sexier to me, and it goes beyond physical.

- I completed my first solo album in which I recorded the bass and guitar parts. It's my baby though so no, no one can hear it sorry.

- I joined a band recently, and we're scheduled to start playing during christmas break.

- I made lots of new friends who I can't wait to build relationships with. I actually am interested in people in general now, and I get excited easily when listening to life stories. I really never cared before. I don't beat dead horses anymore in that if someone does not have the same drive or inerests as I do, I leave them be. I no longer hang out much with the old friends who reinforced my bad habits. If I do, then we're doing different things other than sitting in playing video games for hours.

- I feel the desire to have female friends... This one is big because I really sincerely feel it now that I want to care about them now. I don't want to have sex with them even though they're very attractive. It's wierd, my girlfriend always told me that guys and girls can be friends, but I never thought it was possible to not want to have sex with the opposite sex. Now I'm humbled.

- I'm almost a year in with the same beauty that I started dating last year, and our love just gets better and better. I hear it gets tougher in the second year though.

- And again, the women... I feel different about them. I feel like I want to build relationships with them. I still want to have sex with some of them, but those are the ones I don't know yet. I feel like the ones I DO know, I don't want to have sex with them as much as I want to care for them. Plus I'm taken so...

Last thing I want to say is that if you relapse, you probably should restart the counter... It sucks but the withdrawal, although mild at times, seems to have started over with me. The mood swings came back for a long time, the anxiety was through the roof, the low motivation was there, the attraction to vidoe games and web surfing was very strong! I always hear that the progress is cumulative and I do agree, but that does not guarantee that you will never have withdrawal again as in my case. Somewhere around day 75 was when I started to feel on top of my game again, and my girlfriend had to play a role in this too. Another thing that helped was starting a penny pile. One for each day at the foot of my bed really inspired me to keep going, and after 30 days, I started to use emeralds. After a while though my girlfriend found out and convinced me that I no longer needed to pile them if I was truly done with porn. Guess I was. www.reuniting.info/content/90-days-yet-again

Earlier journal entries shared on forum after about 8 weeks.

[Day 15] As of today, I have gone two weeks without pornography. Additionally, I have not masturbated in one whole week. I am consistently waking up at eight o' clock every morning, and it feels good. At this point, the urges seem to come and go so I still have to be careful of what I see. Moreover, I have to make a conscious effort not to view anything that may trigger the pulling emotions such as those randomly thrown in porn images on Google image search. I may just avoid Google image search all-together. I find that I start to look for those images against my will whenever I go on Google.

It's interesting to note the following:

I enjoyed a song today that I haven't enjoyed in a very long time. The rush was almost unbearable.

I actually do not miss my friends whereas before, I always needed to see them.

I'm not angry...However, I do love Dir En Grey at the moment!

(In retrospect, this really was the calm before the storm. I think this is when the flat line started so I wasn't very interested in porn or masturbation. Also, at that time I had a compulsive desire to stare at Google images very randomly all the while knowing that anything could pop up and literally blow my mind. I had no idea at this point what was coming up in the future: withdrawal.)

[Day 16] woke up tired, and I didn't want to do anything. Eventually however, I began my bass practice. this song is almost completely memorized, but the last part of it is the most challenging part of it. It's so annoying that it only got harder the farther that I progressed into it, and at one point I almost smashed my head into the bass. However, I've come to realize that I learned some of the parts really fast, and at one point I felt insecure about how fast I was progressing as if I was rushing or something. That was pretty much my whole day though. After two hours of focusing on practice, I wanted to do other things. Less Productive things. I start to feel like the internet has something for me that is of more value. And sure sometimes I find great entertainment, but usually I end up spending more time looking for something than actually finding. When I do find something online that I consider valuable, it's usually short-lived. It's not even like playing my bass does not give me value, my resolve to move forward is so weak right now. My focus can also use some work, but meditation is hella boring. Maybe I'll do some sort of music meditation. Not like I have much energy to do much else.

I can't believe(Friend)said "I knew you couldn't stop watching porn." It really hurts, but apparently he never though highly of me anyway. All that matter is what I think of me, and I don't need to be his friend.

(Added later: Funny reading this one day after springing out of bed with enthusiasm on day 56 to begin my day. Learning that song really did become easier as I stayed away from PMO, and now I have it completely memorized. I don't surf online nearly as much as I used to, but I still want to cut down some. =] That day was one of many crappy days. As far as my friend, he's always been a real prick, but I'm sure he doesn't mean any of it. Maybe I'll talk to him again. I dunno yet. It's possible that during withdrawal that everything that isn't PMO can seem like a thorn in one's side. Even friends who joke around with you just like they've always done.)

[Day 28] Jesus Christ! I'm getting so antsy because of the dreams that I'm having. Honestly, i get excited to go to bed because there is a chance I'll have one of those erotics dreams. So why am I getting antsy? In these dreams I am receiving oral sex a lot, but I never get to orgasm! How the hell am I having wet dreams that are dry?!? I don't understand why exactly, but the first dream I was edging so that I could prolong it. I kept edging until random distractions started interrupting the female and I, and that's how the dream ended. The second one ended in much the same way with people busting in while I'm having sex!

[Day 37] Well yesterday I woke up after having my first wetdream! I'm not actually happy about it at all. It happened really fast, and it was just a porn flashback. A few flashbacks actually, and they swarmed my brain at a rate of like 3 videos per second. Moreover, it only lasted about 3 seconds and then I woke up angry and somewhat wet. I felt like i had relapsed , and there was even chaser to accompany the feeling. I had to avoid anime and anything else that may have been sexually suggestive for the whole day. This really is no fun sometimes.

Today was weird though because it's as if I swung back and forth between a 6 and a 2 on the mood scale. I felt the worst talking to (Girl) having her talk about her boyfriend every chance she got. I felt like someone was picking me up and slamming me over and over again. I wonder if I'd even talk to her if she wasn't a girl.

[Day ?] Your funniest story of relapse?

I don't know about anyone else really, but I know when I first started this whole thing, I was brimming with confidence because finally I had found out the source of my turmoil. All I had to do now was fix it right? Fast forward to the first relapse...

I have two times that really stick out for me as hilarious. The first is when I had a dream that I was dating one of my favorite porn stars. I mean I felt like I was in love with her in my dream. We had a house, pictures, and there was a bond there. Naturally when I woke up that day, I had to see her again. O_O It started with me looking at videos of her on YouTube, then it moved to another tube.

The second time that I recall was when I was doing well until I found a blank cd. O_O Being as curious as I am, I wondered "What could be on this CD?" The rest is a blur lol!

[Day 35] As of today, I feel like I felt right after my first relapse. After I got my fix. After I got over the initial guilt and shame, I felt rejuvenated. I wonder if it's OK to feel like I got my fix when I have no memory of a relapse. I enjoy the fact that I can now listen to music just for the sake of pleasure instead of listening to it because I feel bad. I spoke to a friend today, and he's never laughed so hard on the phone with me. I feel more humorous and lighthearted, and it's weird because most of yesterday I felt like I had been hit by a truck. The pendulum still swings I guess.

[Day 42] Wow today I feel so good it's kinda scary. Just yesterday I was having so much trouble playing bass, and honestly I was fed up. It got better though because I watched movies all day with the family. It was a great day altogether thanks to that. Today I feel good enough to draw up my own manga. I love this feeling of aliveness. Even my despair holds value to me now because I have hope and faith that better times are always a possibility. I feel like I'm here and fully present. I want to keep going and reach my full potential. My god I forgot about my stamina increase. Yesterday I went over my usual curl limit and my muscles are barely even sore!

[Day 45] Headache Headache Headache!!! So much pressure in my head. I usually try to fight taking daily naps, but maybe my body needs that right now. Low energy again today, but I feel I can keep going and that I'll be fine soon enough.

I just took the Human-Metrics typology test again and got the same result yet again! ENTJ or Field marshal. It's so far from what I use to get back in 2008. I use to consistently get Counselor which is INFJ, but things have changed now. I wonder if the addiction had anything to do with the results. When I think about how the results have changed, it seems I've become more extroverted and logical. I'm more sociable and outgoing, and I am more inclined to rely on rationale than on emotions. But in the end, I can always change, and I can be whomever I want to be.

[Day 51] This barbell is becoming so light it's not even funny, but maybe it's just that I have way more energy. I can go past my usual amount of sets whereas in the past, I struggled with my usual amount. I literally got 5 hours of sleep, had a coffee, and I'm still good to go. It's amazing really. Women still give me butterflies, but I have to say that I've become more brave and confident in myself. I think I'm starting to realize why I used to love metal, and I think it's because it was the only music that could match my energy output. Maybe it sustained me much like working out does now. I'll be hanging out with (girl) today, so I'm sure there will be something to report later on. She just loves to remind me of the fact that she has a boyfriend, but what can I do? I like her.

[Later] I can now say that everything I heard about quitting masturbation and porn is truth! My voice felt so powerful and I was so comfortably extroverted. Girls approaching and talking to me never seemed possible at my age, but surely enough, I was approached by two cute girls! Needless to say, the interviews went great.

[Day 52] So yesterday I had my second wet dream since June 5th, and how fitting considering I was fantasizing about (girl)before falling asleep. I guess it's progress from before when I could only have wet dreams concerning pornography. Well as a result, I felt increasingly horny all day. I felt completely drained and bored all day. Must be the chaser effect they spoke of, but if that's the case then I'd better learn to accept it. Guess I should just sit with this feeling until it passes.

[Day 55] I have been on this "Quit Porn" crusade since November 2008, and this is after a 4 year addiction to it. I've tried many experiments, and while I learned and grew from them all, I have been met with plenty of failures. I don't feel bad about any of it as I've grown from every attempt, and that's an important factor to realize. The longest I've ever gone without porn is close to three months, and I can attest to all of what people here claim. It's like one day you wake up and someone turned on the world. Suddenly I'm dancing on trains and smiling at girls I don't even know, and it's all natural. Masturbating was so amazing around the third month. Here's the interesting part though: I consistently masturbated every day during the three month period... Because of this though, I don't think I ever really broke the connection to porn, and when introduced to suggestive material by chance, the pull was still amazingly strong and BAM! Relapse...

Ever since finding this site, I've been on the best role ever. I don't even think about porn anymore. If anything, I just gotta worry about masturbating and fantasizing about girls I want to get with. I really think you guys are all geniuses for finding the missing piece in masturbation. I've always been so obstinate in stopping masturbation, though I knew I had an addiction to it.

Today is the end of the eighth week for me, and I feel very calm and relaxed, but there is a bit of a hangover from my last wet dream which was 4 days ago. (Damn Chaser)

I feel my confidence has returned from the last wet dream I had 4 days ago. Looking back on my previous writings, it looks like the two wet dreams are exactly two weeks apart in date. It may be safe to say that the next one will be one week from this coming Tuesday, but hopefully it won't hurt as much as this one did. I can't really say much as to why it hurt so much all the the way down to the base of my penis, but it may be due to leakage that blocked the tip. It would make sense seeing as how I was fantasizing again about (girl) before I fell asleep. Maybe as a result of the fantasy, there was some leakage or something.

In the way of erections though, I can say that they make a lot more sense now than ever before. While I was flirting with a girl from Indonesia online, I had an erection the whole time that made it a little awkward to type as it was pointing straight at my neck. Like being manipulated to talk at knife point! I can pretty much get an instaboner just thinking about being with a woman, and now it may be something I have to learn to control. My dreams are becoming very erotic and real so at this rate, my next wet dream may come sooner than Tuesday. It would make sense though because from the last time I masturbated until my first wet dream was a little over 5 weeks, and the second wet dream came 2 weeks exactly after that.

I hate to note that there was a chaser effect after each wet dream that meant 4-5 days of varying conditions such as, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, mood swings, craving, loss of confidence, desperation, insatiable cravings, and today brings fatigue.I hope the chaser stops. That's my biggest goal in this recovery, to remove the chaser.

[Day 56] It's such a different place that I'm at now compared to where I was a few days ago. It's like falling asleep on a boat that started in hell (sailing on fire, yes) and waking up in heaven. Seriously last week I felt completely hopeless, and I thought this was all becoming just a waste of time, but today is just...wow.

I'm heading to the movies with my family. The feeling I have can only be compared to that of a rockstar. Speaking of rockstar, I think I'm gonna jam on my bass on drop D. I only know one song but at this point I'm sure whatever I play is gonna sound great.

Simple pleasures are amazing, and what's even more interesting is that I don't want to do the things I use to rely on like playing video games for hours =P.

Last night was the first time in a long time I shared a sincere smile with my mom without any feelings of "Stop this now," or "Why am I smiling?" She's always been a great person to me and now I can finally appreciate it after such a loong time.

The feeling is just incredible. I starting speaking to my friend over msn while flirting with a girl I met recently. The confidence was just there, and she even commented about how confident I was. I genuinely showed my interest in her without really being worried about whether she reciprocated or not, and it was truly my pleasure.By the end, all she was sending me was hearts and smileys and more hearts. And my friend? Well we haven't shared laughs like that in years. I teared up at some points, and we were just talking about girls and how much we love them.

[Day 57] I've done my research on introversion and extroversion, and I've taken human metrics tests waay too many times (It's so easy to manipulate LOL), but I'm confused now. In 2008 when I first started this experiment, I frequently got results that said "You're an Introvert!"

But now all I get is "Extrovert," and it's an overwhelming result too. Of course Nature vs Nurture comes into play when you look at anyone's tendencies towards introversion/extroversion, but ever since I started on this no porn thing I've slowly become more and more self-confident.

[Day 58] Today is the third day in a row where there was no dip in mood, and it all started on day 56! That's 8 weeks! Maybe I should wait and see, but as of right now, I feel good.

I feel horny but no need to masturbate, it just feels like there's more life down there that wasn't there previously. Yesterday night a porn flashback started and my mind shifted so fast on it's own as if I didn't remember the rest of it. Complete autopilot! It can be trained!lol I never suffered from ED and I frequently got boners around certain girls that I knew, but porn really did a number on me emotionally. My mood swings would connect on peoples' chins and leave them drained.lol Yesterday I drew a picture of T.Hawk's daughter that I continued with into the night.

Now, the big deal about this is that there was no resistance from the part of the brain that previously craved porn(the limbic was it?) It was just pleasurable drawing the lines as smoothly as I could. I also tried out an old fighting game I used to play, and I didn't feel bored and drained after playing it, in fact I started drawing. The last thing I want to mention is that I want to meet women at this point, but I don't want to just have sex with them. I feel at a point where I can qualify them as long term potential first before I even think about sex with them. But man, women are so strong... It's easy to lose perspective once you smell their bath and body works products. lol

[Day 60] Mood really leveling out nowadays. I don't know much about ED, but I never had boners before from talking to a girl over the phone. I'm excited. =] It had been about 2+ weeks since I last saw my penis erect, so I had to measure and stare in awe of it. I felt like one of those people who worship the sun as it rises and gasps at its glory.

[Day 62] Yesterday was amazing. My family had reunited after a long while after my sister came from Florida, and it was a blast. I never enjoyed being around family so much before. I always wanted to be alone and do my own thing, but not yesterday. One of my sisters is usually the life of the party (especially when she's drunk!), but yesterday she had to share some limelight with me.=]

I did a lot of flirting with (girl), and I invited her to hang out with me for tomorrow. I hope she agrees to go as she is very shy with public activities. I don't really feel to good though because she's having trouble with her asshole boyfriend, and I really like her so I listen to her vent about him. However, I hate hearing her talk about another guy, especially when he's taking advantage of her and treating her like crap. I told her I don't want to be that guy that she cries too about another guy. I happen to think that if you have a good thing in front of you, you should take advantage of it instead of complaining about a crap boyfriend.

Before she started venting about it though, we had a good and deep talk about life and dreams. Hopefully she agrees to hang out with me, and ditch that guy she hates being with. I know it may seem wrong, but I like her and he treats her badly.

(later) So today was another confidence blast in the wrong direction. Sometimes these aggressive mood swings make me feel unfit for society, and I wouldn't be surprised if they ruined any possible relationship opportunities. It is possible that the reason is because (girl) rejected my offer to hang out again, but she's done that a few times and it never bothered me before. I enjoy the chase (when it's her anyway).

I hate lashing out at people during times like these. I just need to be alone and no one understands. I worked out like crazy today too, and I still hit the barbell every now and then, but I still feel like I'm teetering on the edge of aggressive behavior. It sucks to be rejected, but I think I can move on. I think I can meet someone else and have the same feelings. I'm pretty sure I didn't know that I'd meet this girl back when I was obsessing over my ex. After a year of liking a girl with a boyfriend, I think I should do myself a favor and just move on. I feel like drinking and I hate liquor.

(Later) After talking with a friend, I feel a lot better. I'm just a little disappointed at my behavior. Good news though, I got my friend to try two weeks no PMO, and he's going to report back to me what he notices. I'm excited.

[Day 62] This weekend was a roller coaster of stress and mood swings, and now I am quite tired. At this point I can honestly say that porn has absolutely no pull on me anymore, and masturbation is the same way. The only thing I can say is that I still have terrible mood swings where I need to be alone from everyone, but I don't wanna blame PMO anymore. I don't know if it is withdrawal symptoms anymore.

Today I went to the pool and there was only one girl who looked close to my age, and just as expected: INSTABONER!!! She was just laying on her towel rolling around and I saw what was happening downstairs. I would've spoken to her, but she had like 5 guys with her. Nonetheless, it was a great day out with my family where I learned how to swim and hold my breath underwater. (Girl) was too busy to go with me, but I don't mind too much anymore. The thing is, on my best day, she can reject me all she wants and I'd still chase because it really is my pleasure. However, on a day where I'm having one of those mood swings, it just won't work. And on those days, working out does not make me feel better either. Maybe it's too soon to say, but I think the problem may be somewhere else as I don't even care about PMO anymore.

[Day 65] There have been days during this reboot where I feel so lively and fun like I was having whole body orgasms or something, but then there are days when I snap and yell at people to leave me alone. It's been confusing this reboot thing, but I'm gonna stick with it and see where it takes me. I mean so far, I feel like I have changed a lot. Let's do a list of changes after 60+ days.(I don't know what day I'm on right now)

I have respect for myself, and I will stand up for myself more whereas before I would keep quiet only to regret later.

I don't want to have sex with every girl. I do want a connection now. Before, my personality was just "Get Sex!."

I have no interest in non productive things like playing video games or being online all day for no reason.

My body really bulked up a lot! I'm supposed to be an ectomorph, but I now look somewhere between ectomorph and mesomorph.

My voice is more relaxed, and it comes from a lower point around my stomach. Before it was high and sounded so scared.

I want to give people value, instead of complaining about what other people lack. I'm less selfish.

Music sounds so good to me right now. I listened to it through some cheap cans, and I was breathless for a second.

I can think long term now. I already set the date for my 90-day mark, and it doesn't scare me at all. I'm not intimidated. No one is an expert right away, things take practice.

I guess that's all I can say for now. Hopefully all will balance out more, but today marks 2 weeks since my last wet dream. According to my data, they have been two weeks apart, so I gotta get the extra bed sheets ready. I also gotta prepare for potential chaser.

[Day 66] Today I woke up and I just knew that today was one of those peak days. It's like I got through valleys for 4-5 days, and then the energy comes back on. my body is weird because I thought after two weeks, I would have a wet dream. This was not the case this week, so I decided today was a great day to test the chaser. I figured It was a great day, and if anything I would not be doing it as comfort for myself. So I Masturbated, and it finished in about 2 minutes(Not yet ready for the Olympics).

If I were to judge instinctively, today I woke with a mood and energy level of 7.5. Now after I masturbated, there were heavy emotions that were sort of overwhelming, but they passed in about 10 minutes or so. After that, My mood was still at 7.5 and I wasn't tired or anything. I proceeded to do a vigorous workout, and I started learning a new song on my bass. It was like nothing had happened physically. However, I got a random erection again about 2 hours after I masturbated, so I decided to see if it would be 2 minutes just like the last time. Surely enough, it was 2 minutes flat. >.> After that orgasm though, I felt satisfied and I felt like I had given my equipment a good workout. I started dozing off soon afterwards, but I woke up to carry on with my activities. I can say now that my mood is about a 6.5 now after the second err session... I don't feel bad or anything. I am still just a little tired though, and I just wanna lay around and watch tv or something. I don't feel the urge to watch porn or engage in any other highly stimulating activity, but I know I need to abstain some more. I want to. At the moment, I'd say that the chaser is eating my dust. However, I don't know how long it can take to feel it, so tomorrow I may regret making corny jokes.

I don't think I'll masturbate again. The two minutes are just not very fulfilling. I figure the sexual buildup will always come back anyway, so what's the point of obsessing about it. I prefer to just be used to it. I already miss the feeling of sexual angst that has built up over these past two weeks. Strange how that works. =]

(Next day) Wow, maybe I am better now. I just woke up, and I don't feel a chaser still... *_*

(Couple of days later) I probably shouldn't have tested myself. I feel really horny right now, but there's no erection. That probably means that it's not "real" libido. I'm craving video games now.

However, these past two days I have been pretty productive, and today I woke up and did something I planned to do from last night. I drew a really nice picture, and I enjoyed it too. I guess that there is some hangover.

[Day 90] Well at long last, I've reached my goal of 90 days without porn. It feels like it has been so long since the last session, but that's probably because so much has happened in the span of 90 days.

For starters, the last stretch was the hardest for me from day 69 to now because on day 69 I decided to masturbate. That's when everything got rocky. Following that MO session were chaser effects that were unforgiving, coupled with cravings, and finally more masturbation. I kept telling myself I'd stop after this one time, but it was increasingly difficult because every time I masturbated, I had a wet dream the same night or soon after. It's really hard to abstain when you have a wet dream right when you decided to abstain. This happened a total of three times, and the third wet dream was a pornographic one that was very shameful. I couldn't believe a part of my mind was still so messed up after all that time. After that one though, I was able to abstain completely, but the two weeks following have been the worst in terms of cravings. Two more days will be 2 weeks post orgasm so we'll see then.

I had honestly hoped that over the span of 90 days I would not get porn cravings anymore, and though it may just be chaser, it still robs me of my confidence. I'm very unsure of myself and abstaining right now. For the first time in this 90 day period, it would be very easy for me to watch porn now. However, I am getting better at separating my sexual urges from my overall state. I guess they call that a focus shift. Before, I never had the focus to shift.(What a shift!)

It's not all bad though. The mood swings have finally stopped, and I generally feel great most of the time. Once in a blue moon I'd feel the depression of not knowing what I'm going to do with my life, but it usually doesn't last more than an hour tops. I talk to people a lot easier than before and I don't feel pain in my heart anymore.

In fact, there are some weird occurrences where my chest literally feels like it's breathing. (You know that feeling you get when you rub Vicks Vaporub on your body?) Weird indeed.

Nowadays, I require my own alone time. It's much different though from 3 months ago in that I enjoy the alone time. I love people and hanging out with friends, but not in excess. I enjoy my own company a lot more than I used to. Reading, drawing, listening to music, playing music, and watching my favorite shows are all of my favorite things to do again. Before I was always in need of company because I felt lonely, but when I got around people I felt uneasy. Jeez..

I've also built up an intolerance for extreme stimuli like gaming. I can't play games for as long as I used to and I can literally feel my brain yelling for me to stop playing! That's when I go and do something more balancing. Really weird.

For everyone reading this and doing the reboot, I am finally happy. I type that with a tear in my eye because I don't reflect much about how far I've come. I wish you all not luck, but stubbornness, tenacity, determination, and the spoils of victory!

[Day 174]

I can honestly say now that porn really is the problem with relationships nowadays. Connecting with my girlfriend took a little over a month, but time flew so fast because I was enjoying it the whole time. Little things: Holding hands, taking Sunday Strolls, staring into her eyes, kissing her forehead and just holding a girl never crossed my mind as pleasurable before. When you're masturbating every day whether it be with or without porn, you really do relinquish your innate ability to connect with the opposite sex. I am 100% sure of this now. Before I went 100 days and still had some doubt about giving up porn, but now it doesn't even cross my mind as a serious activity. It's a joke entirely. Some people really do just need some more time than others, and if one does relapse then time is cumulative. Be patient.

As far as sex goes. I'm reluctant to talk about it because it was with my girlfriend whom I really care about. I was even questioning whether I should have sex with her or wait a little. The only reason I agreed to it is because I found out that she also wanted to wait because she cared about me. Naturally I took it slowly, and we were holding each other for a long time before we decided to do it. I really wish that everyone here could have not only successful sex, but a passionate exchange between two people who care about each other. We even continued to cuddle after we were done. (Both times) I really couldn't be happier about my first time, and this will likely be my last post. Surprisingly though, I didn't ejaculate in 2 minutes as I did 2 months ago via masturbation. (That was day 69 of my first reboot attempt.) No chaser as of yet, and I think it's because of all the cuddling we did after sex. I actually feel great right now, just a little tired physically.

Be patient guys, and I bid you farewell.

[Update months later]

Hey guys it's been a while since i posted something of substance here, so I figured today is a great day to do so.

If my memory serves me right, then today is the second time I've gone 90 days without pornography. There have been long stretches here and there but always included a slip somewhere along the way. This time though, I don't think I'll have anything to worry about as I did this 90 days much different from before. I'll explain.

Let's start with last years reboot:

So I read the info on YBOP and immediately start my journey into this new lifestyle. Naturally I was clumbsy to a fault and I barely made it to 67 days or so before I started masturbating again. Sigh. I can't stress enough that one should never go back to masturbation. It's just pointless. Sooner or later(After more than 100 days) I got back into porn and the loop restarted. 50 days or so would be followed by a relapse followed by another long stretch. So many times I told myself and my girlfriend that I was done this time, only to slip again. I made great progress on the way though:

- I stopped masturbating(Minus the porn slipups.)

- I stopped needing to come to this site.

-I met the greatest girl ever and started dating her sseriously.

- I started to take studies more seriously

- I started to really evaluate my friendships and take back the energy wasted on the bad ones.

- I picked up a new hobby in bass and guitar playing.

And now for this year...

What I've done differently this time around is something that was so obvious, and yet, I could never do it. I completely took out the visual stimuli. I eliminated all women from my computer screen. I can't believe how I never saw my own patterns before, but I honestly feel like I was edging the whole time last year. Basically, if you're quitting something, don't tease yourself at all! So yeah that little detail changed everything for me and I haven't had many urges this time around at all.

So lets' do a list of the improvements this time around:

- Sex with my girlfriend is mindblowing every time. I swear she gets sexier and sexier to me, and it goes beyond physical.

- I completed my first solo album in which I recorded the bass and guitar parts. It's my baby though so no, no one can here it sorry.

- I joined a band recently, and we're scheduled to start playing during christmas break.

- I made lots of new friends who I can't wait to build relationships with. I actually am interested in people in general now, and I get excited easily when listening to life stories. I really never cared before. I don't beat dead horses anymore in that if someone does not have the same drive or inerests as I do, I leave them be. I no longer hang out much with the old friends who reinforced my bad habits. If I do, then we're doing different things other than sitting in playing video games for hours.

- I feel the desire to have female friends... This one is big because I really sincerely feel it now that I want to care about them now. I don't want to have sex with them even though they're very attractive. It's wierd, my girlfriend always told me that guys and girls can be friends, but I never thought it was possible to not want to have sex with the opposite sex. Now I'm humbled.

- I'm almost a year in with the same beauty that I started dating last year, and our love just gets better and better. I hear it gets tougher in the second year though.

- And again, the women... I feel different about them. I feel like I want to build relationships with them. I still want to have sex with some of them, but those are the ones I don't know yet. I feel like the ones I DO know, I don't want to have sex with them as much as I want to care for them. Plus I'm taken so...

Last thing I want to say is that if you relapse, you probably should restart the counter... It sucks but the withdrawal, although mild at times, seems to have started over with me. The mood swings came back for a long time, the anxiety was through the roof, the low motivation was there, the attraction to vidoe games and web surfing was very strong! I always hear that the progress is cumulative and I do agree, but that does not guarantee that you will never have withdrawal again as in my case. Somewhere around day 75 was when I started to feel on top of my game again, and my girlfriend had to play a role in this too. Another thing that helped was starting a penny pile. One for each day at the foot of my bed really inspired me to keep going, and after 30 days, I started to use emeralds. After a while though my girlfriend found out and convinced me that I no longer needed to pile them if I was truly done with porn. Guess I was.

Comments

Nicely done, man. You have a great life ahead of you. Congratulations!

ace8