Medical Doctor - HOCD: Extreme fetish porn and acting out

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confused doctorI am a medical doctor myself, but I thought I'd focus on the sexuality side of things. I am a heterosexual man, 100%, always have been and always will be, just like I believe you to be.

The doctor you saw who made the comment about your sexuality either:
1. Came to that conclusion based on faulty reasoning
2. Had perfect reasoning but flawed information/assumptions
3. Both of the above

Either way his conclusion was not correct.

I too had a similar experience, although through the pressures of OCD I did it twice, 24 hours apart, with two different transsexual sex workers. I remember thinking on the way to my first transsexual that if time travel were ever invented and I was ever to travel back in time to stop myself from doing this, it would be now. so as I drove there I consciously made a note of the date and time exactly as I pulled up to my local ATM machine to withdraw cash. Not surprisingly there was no future version of myself waiting there to stop me, who would have supposedly remembered the date and time I burned into my brain moments earlier. Other than this trivial thought experiment I have been thinking a great deal about these experiences and drawn what I believe to be water-tight conclusions.

Through my years of addiction to pornography and continual daily PMOs, I developed an attraction to the extreme concept of something horrible happening to me. This is what fueled my sexual urges, whether it was a woman doing horrible things to me, an alien, a monster or whatever, what made me orgasm was this extreme concept, and it was dynamic/fluctuant. One week it's be a woman destroying me with her feet, another it would be rape from a transsexual, and following that it could have been a female vampire castrating me. This is what years of pornography did to me, it made me only able to become aroused when I played whatever sick variety of extreme pictures and words in my head, that my mind was latched onto at the time. Even when I was with each of the transsexuals, nothing they did aroused me, I had to force myself to become aroused by thinking of what they were doing to me with some extreme connotation to it, only then was I able to be considered “turned-on”. After each experience I was wholly dissatisfied.  This is also consistent with the level of dissatisfaction I have felt with all the extreme things I have done with the female prostitutes I have been with, yes I have been with many. During my most severe low-period, I was unable to be simply turned on by being near a naked woman (something I used to love more than anything, and now love again), I’d have to, again cook-up some extreme scenario in my mind alone, without the assistance of the sex worker in order to get aroused and orgasm. All the sex workers, the two transsexuals and the 20 or so females were merely “extras” on the extreme pornographic movie set my mind conjured up, staring me and some twisted version of reality I’d invent without connecting with the other person at all. I even found that with each of the sex workers I saw, I’d be switching between different activities every few minutes at a rate equal to that of how quickly I switch between watching porn videos at home.   

This is in stark contrast to what happens to me if I avoid PMO and even MO. I have found, probably like many of you, that "abstinence" or quitting this terrible cycle of self abuse, without concentrating on strict avoidance of porn, but instead concentrating on living your life, after a certain period of time results in reversion to your old self. Seeing a curvy hot female walk past and getting a spontaneous erection from just a glance of her, feeling turned on when she sits next to you and touches you or when you get excited from a chance glimpse of her breast cleavage etc, naturally, without forcing a fantasy, without obsessing over specifics, is a lot of fun. Furthermore when you're with a woman and you experience an actual connection with her, this is your sexuality, the exceptional awesome feeling you get when you’re intimate with her, this defines heterosexuality.

What I have experienced, and what I believe you to have experienced fits perfectly with the definition of an illness, that is, it is a process that interferes with normal functioning.

So what do you do about the constantly nagging negative thoughts in your head about the fact that you slept with a transsexual? Well if your situation is similar to mine; dump all your eggs in one basket with all the other porn-induced aberrant thoughts precipitated by the dopaminergic hyperactive loop that information overload has infected you with mentally. It will be lost to the past as an insignificant symptom of an illness that you used to suffer, but have now managed and cured with rebooting and rewiring (assuming you've gone through the process).

Now I can’t claim to know the details of any of the situations any of you have experienced in any more detail that you have described, but I from what I’ve read it sounds as though your situations all have one core parallel notion - that of being extreme, which is not specific to transsexuals, men or anyone of that variety. In other words I could go out on a limb and say, you’re all heterosexuals with an attraction to some general “extreme psychological entity”, invented by your brain due to self-abuse from too much porn. It has just triggered such discordance within your thinking because you’re straight and always having been implicitly proud of this fact, you dislike the idea that this “extreme psychological entity” like a random number generator has thrown out a temporary fake-fantasy that synchronizes with what the socially accepted norms consider being not-straight, that you acted out. I hope that makes sense.       

So, if anything, this/these experience(s) have taught you that you’re straight, don’t really like transsexuals or men, did something because of confusion created by an illness caused by porn and can be therefore safely left in the past. So next time you look at yourself in the mirror, realize that the guy staring back at you is a heterosexual man who suffered an illness which made him understand a little more about psychopathology.

I hope I have helped.

Yours Sincerely

Dr P.J.D MD

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BY DoctorMD

Comments

wow crazy story! How long did it take for you to reboot? Do you still have your fetishes in your head? Im going through a serious HOCD right now, but i start to doubt its HOCD anymore..its been 65 days without porn for me. (with one orgasm with a girl and a day of relapse but only MO without P.

Thank you for relaying my story from the message board. In answer to the comment, it took 152 days to reboot for me. In addition to the question, I thought I'd mention that one of my biggest successes was stopping sexual thoughts of any kind whilst I was at work. I used to imagine scenarios with other female doctors, usually excessively kinky and related to her dominating me in some way. Indirectly restricting myself to thinking about work only, and concentrating on solving diagnostic dilemmas, intellectualizing over the scientific aspects of my work, and doing what could almost be considered the mental equivalent of a marathon (exaggerating a little but I'm sure you get me), improved the quality of my reboot dramatically. As for thinking about women, if I were to see an attractive one I would take a mental note that she was attractive and could "feel" my body agreeing with this, not with an arousal response, but with what can only be described as a "mild feeling of general enjoyment" which was slightly distracting. Over time this feeling I experienced became stronger and began to have arousal running with it in parallel. I was so happy to have finally felt what I remember feeling when I was 12 years old when looking at a beautiful woman, no kinky scenes in my head, no analogous porn imagined, just simply looking at her, as she was, and feeling aroused when making a mental note that she was hot. The only interest that could be considered slightly kinky that I retained was finding female feet attractive, but it's not as though I want to dive on the floor and lick the dirt off them, I just find them attractive, yes they can arouse me on their own as can glancing at breast cleavage, which is not common to most people, but the kinky porn associations were gone, they were just another part of her hot body. I think it's also important to mention that finding a woman's legs and feet attractive pre-dates my first exposures to porn, so whatever old wiring was present before, was still there. I really believe that in order to be truly "into" something, you have some sort of "deep liking" for it, that is not in conflict with any of your fundamental mental framework, that it pleases you when you engage in it, releasing internal opioids rather than just a dopamine induced conditioned response. As for other kink - no interest - the prospect is now entirely boring. Hope my post has held your interest and not been too verbose. Thank you for reading. Dr P.J.D MD

Man thx for your answer. Im 72 days in my reboot (well i masturbated a cople of times without porn), and i know the classic 90 days wont be enough for me after 15 years of addiction (i escalated in Femdom and for a month in bisexual stuff). My goal is to reach one year (i will as i develloped a phobia of porn lol) and within it at least a streak of 3 months without O. How was your flatline? How was your HOCD during it? My hocd has a bit lessened i have to say, but i got scared of my flatline and relapsed by masturbating, which gave me a surge of dopamine and remind me a bit after of some porn flashes. My pb right now is i dont work and its hard to focus about anything else but my hocd and the no porn thing. I have to deal with a severe depression and im seing a psychiatrist..

Hi, 72 days is an excellent achievement thus far, you should be proud of yourself. My flatline period was full of intellectual stimulation, which replaced my frequent thoughts of pornogrphic material. I found that as I had committed to the idea of "not thinking about porn, or engaging in masturbation", I had a lot of time on my hands. So I found myself digging into old books, topics such as Molecular Biology, Pure Mathematics and Physics. I noticed that my HOCD diminished significantly doing this, with my old anxiety-obsession-compulsive behavior loops replaced by rational thought processes. I can't explain exactly how, but I noticed that taxing my brain with rational problems with enough vigor to be analogous to a gym workout session, made obsessive thoughts seem insignificant and anxiety dropped right off. My biggest psychological battle was with the thoughts concerning my "acting out". At first I could hardly look myself in the mirror, thinking that I had imposed upon myself two severe episodes of self abuse, this is how I saw my time with these transsexuals, as self abuse. I was not hurt physically by these encounters, and being of a larger frame than these people, had they attempted to physically harm me, I would have had faith in my abilities to defend myself. Despite this I felt there was damage done, I felt I had dealt myself the ultimate insult, one of the most humiliating and degrading things I could possibly experience, the self-imposed stigma was horrible. Now I want to be very clear, I don't think there's actually anything wrong with people who like to sleep with transsexuals, and I believe that people who do engage in these activities and enjoy them, who identify as straight, are in fact straight, with the primitive sexual part of their brains registering the transsexuals as female and thus the traditional paradigm of thinking about what defines heterosexuality is flawed. That being said, not all straight people enjoy sleeping with transsexuals, just as not all straight people like blondes or red heads or whatever. I am not one of these people who enjoys transsexuals, and I suspect many people on this website are of this same disposition. The fact that I forced myself to do something I didn't like at all, the fact that my brain saw it as self abuse, that is what bothered me. So how did I get around this self stigma? Well I considered an interesting philosophical standpoint, there will come a time, some time in the future, that not a single atom in my body will be the same as the ones that were present during my encounter, with the cells of my body being dynamic; booting out their old constituents and having them replaced by new ones derived from diet and respiration, coupled with my rebooting and re-wiring, I'll be an entirely new person (literally), with only distant memories of what a brain-damaged version of myself once did, but it won't be something I did. This viewpoint may not be popular, and it may be seen as a quick and easy way to divorce ourselves from the responsibility of our past, but in this case, I don't think it's a harmful way to look at it, as I broke no laws and harmed no-one but myself, I figure I can ditch my past with an idea that is technically correct.

Well I think I have gone on enough for this post, I wish to congratulate you on your success and wish you the very best with your rebooting and rewiring. I really hope you and others like us live our lives the best way we can "keep at it" when chasing out goals.

Regards

Dr P.J.D MD

P.S For you Biology buffs out there, with the aforementioned notion of "literally being a new person" after a certain period of time, I was not referring to cell-turnover/division/replication, as some cells persist through a person's life e.g most neurons and cardiac myocytes. However all cells are made of molecules which are made of atoms, and these are all subject to turnover as all cells are dynamic.

Thx that's golden. I will try to keep your words in mind and survive through the darkest time of my life.

I went through much of what many of u have. Grateful I found this post. I had quit porn, but replaced it with ads on cl and other places where shemale pros posted. I grew obsessed with transexual ads.... For some reason, I didn't think it counted as porn.... Boy was I wrong. I understand now that it lights the same pathways like porn....Much like the MD who posted , I mostly chased hookers , doms, and a few trannys . And always to dominate me in some way.... . And much like him, I was never really aroused by my acting out. And always after, I would feel disgusted , guilty and shamed about living this double life... I didn't understand the connection to porn, and how it hijacked my brain. I mean, I felt brainwashed , but how do you explain it to a therapist who has no clue, or belief in porn addiction?!!! These same therapists told me that I should follow and act on what I was feeling.... Just terrible.

Most of the time , for the last few years, I felt like a shade of myself. Like I was somewhere in there, but not entirely. His mention of his first trip to a tranny and the time machine seems so similiar to what I was feeling it is eerie to read. Like I was watching myself from the outside acting out. Out of control as my brain sought a dopamine kick.
I had like zero attraction to females, but was desperately lonely for one. I would constantly go seeking on the ads. When I did act out, like the doctor, I was never aroused like I used to be with woman. Much like his theme, I wanted to be abused or dominated in some fashion. Years of tranny, femdom, etc... Porn and subsequently the ads I had frequently watched had really fucked my head up ... And during this time, when I was with women, I had to use the blue pill. So demoralizing.

So where am I at now. I failed mostly at rebooting for the last several years obviously, as my fetishism for trannys and femdoms grew to seeking out. But I did recently manage to do 60 days , than relapsed. So I am in the middle of another reboot.

One thing I realized after reading the power of now, is that I am not my brain. My brain is a tool that "i" use. It's helped me separate some issues with being able to reboot. As well, separating issues of porn addiction and sexuality was important for me in being more successful at rebooting. My acting out was an issue that caused a lot of guilt for me. So, While I could except the fact that maybe I might in fact be bi, I was not able to accept not being aroused by human contact without medical help (pills). Nor could I accept that I wasnt at all aroused by woman. Because I clearly desired them. So with that decided, I found my rebooting became easier.

I've changed my approach to rebooting as well. I realized that i would have to completely alter my approach to rebooting and let go of past failures as if they didn't exist. There is only the now.
I meditate every day. The healing benefits I have found to be noticeable. I also have a script that I tell myself sometimes three times a day, but every time before I meditate . In it is a constant reminder of what I want and how my brain is healing... It is my mantra. It's part of my rewriting or reprogramming. Between the two, my urges in the last month are dull and manageable now if present at all . Every day I am beginning to feel like the old me. I have been in flatline on and off since I started my new reboot. But I have never felt this confidant before. I know that I'll be healed soon.

A Thank you to the MD and others for posting. As well of course to Gary and marnia and the underdog. You have helped me clarify and understand that I am not alone in my experiences, and that it can be healed and fixed. I think I am around 6 or 7 weeks now.... I am not counting days really anymore. Just going to wait till I am healed.... My body will tell me ....