Age 19 - 28 Days (ED)
[History: day 10] Today is my 10th day of abstinence from porn and masturbation and I’m feeling really good about the whole thing. I began this period of celibacy after several attempts in the past, one of which spanned over 23 days. This time, more than ever, I feel that I have the determination and self-control to get over this addiction and reboot properly.
I am a 19-year-old male and I am not a virgin. I have had sex on 2 occasions. However, both these times I struggled to get a firm erection, and when I did, I didn't last very long. This was obviously due to the way in which I had trained myself to masturbate to porn and not perform with real women.
In the past there have been so many times I’ve hooked up with girls and they've asked me to go somewhere 'quiet' or hinted at sex with them and the thought of struggling to get an erection (as I have done on 3 occasions in the past) made me avoid this sexual contact, although I’d love to have been able to do it! There's nothing worse than being with a girl and having her lay there, looking beautiful and ready for sex, and having to try and jack myself off just to get a firm enough erection for sex. It's so embarrassing and demoralising for myself and the girl! At the time to me it didn't feel like such a big deal as I was masturbating and watching porn, getting my release, but I have many regrets over it right now and feel in some ways like I’ve missed the opportunity to have sex with some really hot girls just because of this selfish addiction. I'm only 19 years old so I know there will be more opportunities but I can't help but think 'what if?' a lot of the time. I'm just looking forward to when I’m fully rebooted and I jump at the chance of sexual activity with hot girls, confident that my little friend will be able to do his job without any hiccups!
After each of these sexual encounters I got really down and encountered some anxiety issues, which I thankfully overcame. This started me on the road to recovery. I feel a lot more comfortable with myself and I’m in a better mental place. For this reason this time I feel that I can overcome porn and masturbation for at least 10 weeks to ensure that I fully reboot.
I'm not going to get down on myself if I fail, as each attempt is one step closer to the ultimate aim. However, I have a lot of confidence that this time I can do it as up to this point—barring the initial few days of stopping—my urges have stopped. I’m experiencing the “flatline” phase. It feels pretty dead down there right now. However, I know this is part of the recovery process and I’m willing to feel numb for a while, as in the grand scheme of things it's going to get me to where I want to be.
In the past I have had several efforts at quitting porn and masturbation, but during this stage I was edging and masturbating without orgasm, which was obviously hindering my process. Despite this during the 23 days I felt a lot better and saw some improvements. This time, with no edging, no masturbating and no porn whatsoever, after only 10 days, my progress seems to be coming along a lot better than it ever has before.
[Day 16] Today is day 16 of my abstinence from porn and masturbation and I’m feeling like I’ve jumped a hurdle by getting past the 14-day period, as this was a point that I was particularly tempted to relapse. I'm feeling strong today, physically and mentally, and feel like the abstinence is beginning to have very positive effects on my whole demeanor. I feel a lot more confident and a lot more fluent when in conversation. The words are flowing off my tongue instead of me thinking them out and being reluctant to chat to people as I have been in the past.
In terms of how the abstinence from M+P has affected me down below, I’m still feeling kinda dead down there with a lack of sensation or feeling. Yet this morning I just lay there and a sexual image shot in my head and I began to get a firm erection. This hasn't happened for a long time! I think it may have had something to do with me being so relaxed from my sleep but it was an encouraging sign nonetheless.
I haven't suffered from a wet dream for 4 nights in a row now, which is pleasing me as early on in my abstinence I had about 5 wet dreams in 12 days. The frequency seems to be getting lower as I march on. Even when I had the wet dreams it didn't seem like a complete release and afterwards I didn't feel down in anyway, as I would if I had masturbated. I knew it was out of my control and it was just my body trying to adapt to the changes it was going through.
Sometimes I find myself feeling quite foggy and dizzy at certain parts of the day. I don't know if this is down to changes in my brain, but it's strange, as I’ve never had it before. These foggy/dizzy spells happen very briefly, however, and I’ve realised that when studying my memory seems to have improved slightly. For example last night I did half an hour of law revision, and this morning it's all in my head, whereas in the past I’d forget what I’d studied and find myself very frustrated.
[Day 28] So today marks 4 weeks free from Porn, Masturbation and Orgasm. I feel very pleased that I’ve managed to reach this amount of time free. However, I’m not resting on this total; I want to keep going and try to go for as long as I possibly can without Porn and Masturbation to ensure a full reboot. The only real problems I’ve had in these 4 weeks, that could possibly slow down my progress, are wet dreams however my letdown from the wet dreams is pretty much non existent and there's no point worrying about something that I can't help.
The 4 weeks have gone by pretty quickly. I remember sitting here reading through peoples posts after about 2 weeks and thinking, “God, this seems to have lasted forever.” People were saying that the weeks had flown since they quit PMO, and I couldn't understand where they were coming from. However, these last 2 weeks have absolutely flown over for me. The 1st 2 weeks were definitely the hardest, as I was inexperienced and unused to the different urges and cravings that appear when overcoming this addiction. However, now I’m aware of them I know how to deal with them and ensure that they don't affect me.
In some ways I feel quite lucky. At my age of 19 I think it's very fortunate for me that I found this website and became aware of what has been causing my sexual problems. I feel obliged to quit PMO for good so that I can get back to my best and enjoy what are probably going to be some of the best years of my life with a full sexual appetite and a free flowing personality that I have been missing for the past few years.
This week more than any other I have begun seeing physical changes down below. The first 3 weeks it seemed to be all about improvements in my personality: feeling comfortable, anxiety-free with a sense of humour and lack of awkwardness in many situations. These changes were pleasing for me and I’m very grateful that I’ve got these traits with me now as I feel I’m a much better person.
However, the real changes I wanted to see were physical changes down below to show me that I was beginning to heal through my avoiding PMO. For people reading this who may be 2-3 weeks into the flatline stage and eager to see results, I’d say to you, “Please hang in there and go through it. It's definitely worth it!”
This week I started to get firm, solid erections that I haven't experienced for years, simply by seeing a girl that looks hot and imagining hooking up with her or even just by flirting with a girl. I am getting completely aroused down below and I’m so pleased about it. This doesn't happen all the time, but as the days go by my erections are getting stronger and stronger. It's so pleasing to see such signs of progress. Every morning for the past week or so I’ve woken up with strong morning wood, the temptation to touch it or play with it in the past few days has been there. However, I have managed to resist by diverting my attention.
Sometimes I wonder if I should be fantasising as I’ve heard you should avoid it for the best possible recovery. It seems difficult to avoid completely. When images of past porn scenes come into my head I immediately imagine a big red stop sign, which gets rid of them. However when I imagine scenarios with real girls whom I could potentially be hooking up with, I sometimes keep them going for a while. I seem to have a happy balance in terms of fantasizing. However, I’m eager to know whether I should avoid it completely or just let realistic sexual fantasies occur naturally.
All in all I’m feeling really optimistic about the whole rebooting experience right now and can't wait for the coming weeks to experience further improvements on top of what has been a very pleasing week for me.
(Here's a link to his Reuniting blog)